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Cousin closer than I am to my hubby !

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by problematic, Jan 14, 2010.

  1. problematic

    problematic New IL'ite

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    re: Cousin closer than I am to my hubby !

    thanks everyone for the advice n suggestions...but nandshyam, asuitablegirl n ajith i wud like to clarify one thing. i am too insensible to drink poison just becoz i am jealous of my dh's cousin. nandshyam & asuitablegirl, i am not too stupid as to ask him to parade my sunblock cream on his office desk. i am a well educated girl and worked with a s/w company. i wrote yest thread in a hurry and could not mention few more points. i have him 2 shirts for his bday and till this day he never wears them and says it does not suit his color.
    the reason i drank poison was he discusses almost everything with this cousin while i was kept in the dark and even pampers her like how a lover would do. during the initial days of our marriage i said i did not like his attitude. even so he kept calling her with all honey words and thats when i got depressed and drank poison. its so easy to say something to a third person. only when it happens to themselves will they know the pain. terribly sorry if i hurt anyone
     
  2. Prettina

    Prettina Gold IL'ite

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    re: Cousin closer than I am to my hubby !

    Hi dear,

    You need to seriously analyse what and with whome it is wrong...

    We cannot judge without being with you and also not knowing anyone personally..not analysing the whole issue.I atleast would not like to judge...

    I feel that you can have a open talk with your dh,many times you made had..even though speak clearly and understand that whether he is wrong or you are over possesive.Is his cousin poisoning him??????

    I would like to to ask you other than using your gifted items and decision making how is he with you?Does he spend time with you?
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2010
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    You surly didn't give enough details in your post.People whoever read your thread,only get impression of your immaturity because lack of details.

    So please do provide more details.How is your relation with him if you take of cousin from his life?

    Sometimes people do have soft feeling on other people.You need to treat that person with care not by harming your relation and not make your relation is burden to them.Eventually they will get out of that mode and develop positive relation with you.It's all depend on how you make your home.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2010
  4. problematic

    problematic New IL'ite

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    thanks so much for the understanding and for the kind words...i reaaly appreciate it.

    one thing i want to say is ilites when giving advice r opinions shld be careful about what they express. as i say its so easy to point out mistakes on other person. before pointing out others' mistake one must put themselves in their shoes n analyse. i was particularly so upset with nandshyam n asuitablegirls' advice. i regstered in IL so as to get solace but after seeing their replies i felt like why i got registered. i urge ilites to be more careful before passing opinions.
     
  5. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Hello,

    Your concern is understood clearer this time.. But let me say, not every member who reponds gets a good feel about passing comments.

    I understand that few comments could've been a little upsetting for you, but had you given a proper explaination in your very first post, there would have been different responses from the very same members..

    I buy it, when you say that you wrote the first post in a jiffy.. But, had you written, I had given him sun block & Shirts as gifts as and when you wrote.. it would have been a different take from members.

    You must also understand that members give opinions based on what is written in the first post. Had you had more details to share, you could also write " More to come " before you signed off.

    You know, P there was this lady who had written in the past about how her hubby troubled her with words and how much she was irritated with her. Every other member asked her to not think of divorce and asked her what she had done till now to correct things in her relationship. She finally came up and wrote that her husband was physically abusing her..

    Immedietly members asked her to first take care of her safety and think about marriage later. The same members. So, the responses will go on by what the poster writes first.

    When you write something like you attempted suicide, you must make sure you write what drove you to it as well..

    Remember, P.. when you write in public forums, there are members from all over the world with very different thinking who will write to you.. Some may favour you and some may not..

    Dont be offended and disspointed.. After all every other member here wants you to have the best of what you deserve in life and are trying to help.

    Please feel free to interact with members and I am sure with a neat discussion, you are sure to know what will best suit you.

    We have had many success stories in IL ! Best Luck, P ! :)
     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry if the suggestions were hurtful, please throw light on some things like - how their conversation went, what they talked about, what sort of honey words he used, that you feel is inappropriate, which incident pushed u over the edge and made u drink poison.

    What was you dh reaction after u drank poison.

    What sort of pampering you think your dh did - like bought her any gifts ? paid for stuff that she got ?

    You need to tell exactly what he did and not give just an overview because it makes you sound immature.
     
  7. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you ever thought about that before hurting yourself and others around you when you made the decision to kill yourself?

    When what you did is totally unacceptable, no matter how much you are hurt. Taking your own life might look easy (I am running away from all the problems), but your loved ones have to live with that pain all through their lives.

    (1) However bad your husband may be(which we don't know now) do you know what would happen to him legally, mentally, morally?
    (2) What about your parents, relatives, siblings, friends?

    I don't know if you are tamil or not, but there is a saying

    "Unakkum keezhe ullavar koodi
    Nenaiththu paarththu nimathi naadu"
    - There are million of people less fortunate than you, be in peace thinking about it

    Please don't go emotionally upset for that, it ain't gonna work with me. No sympathy for what you did. Period.

    Just read the bolded lines below.

    You said, she is not the reason for you hurting yourself and then you contradict yourself. Are you sure you really know what the problem is or just want to get your husband's attention that you are really really upset?

    Ok, you wrote the first post in a hurry, but your recent post does not provide anymore details to justify you killing yourself either (nothing justifies in my opinion to take one's life..but still..) He using honey words and pampers like a lover? Are these your triggers?

    Then let's get to the bottom of it. IF you don't mind, can you share those honey words? And what do you mean by lover-pampering?

    Problematic, let me tell you something. I don't know you and so is every other member here in this thread who responded to you. You have come to a public forum expecting to pour out your feelings and seeking advice. Please don't expect all opinions should be in sync with what YOU WANT in life. No, we all are different and we, strangers, seeing the post, just give our insight to it. It might not be what you want, might not be helpful, might not be soothing, but that's what you get. A rainbow of perspectives for your problem. End of the day, it is you who has to analyze and make a decision. There is no judgments passed, who are we to do it anyway, right? So don't take it personally, only for your own good, it will just put you in more misery :mrgreen:

    Clearly you would know by now, I am so against the idea of people taking their own lives. Sorry, but that's my stand on this.
     
  8. problematic

    problematic New IL'ite

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    hello nandshyam,

    thanks for the detailed reply..

    "Please don't go emotionally upset for that, it ain't gonna work with me. No sympathy for what you did."

    - fyi, i dont seek to get ur sympathy. there's noo need for u 2 say "it ain't gonna work with me. who are you? and what am i gonna get by ur sympathy?what am i gonna to gain by garnering all the ilites symapthy? will it make me happ? hell no..

    and fyi, my dh gifted her with a diamond studded earing to her (after our wedding which i am kept in the dark). and actually his mom wanted him to marry her and it did not work out due to his patti's intervention. those honey words, he hasn't even called me that way.
    actually whn i started this thread i wanted to put it all down but since one of my friend came to my house i had to post it in a hurry. and i am not botered about what stand u mite have about suicides. i too had the same notion till my marriage i admit i drank poison but thats not to run away frm pproblems becoz i was guilty at myself to hv chosen a wrong person. now i know how difficult it is to be killing oneself.

    i just ask u to be a bit more responsible when u write. evryone has flaws remember...what looks good to me may not look good fr others.
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear NOT Problematic:)

    come on your userid shows that you are kind of soo focused on your problem i.e that cousin of your husband, seems like its kind of swallowing you (no wonder you attempted suicide)

    First point is...just like your husband has a commitmment called marriage with you, seems like he is emotionally attached to her. Its evident with the kind of things he did and still doing in regard to his cousin.

    So if you want to grab his attention, or show him that he is doing wrong or that he is doing some thing very awkward, dont harm yourself to do any of these, you have to handle such things more carefully , with tact and words rather than giving up...Why would you give up on your husband/parents/siblings and your own life for some lady who doesnt even live in the same continent as you are!!!

    Its really a cutting pain to see your husband giving importance to some other woman, rather than his own newly wed wife. Totally understood your point.

    Now think of what can resolve this issue. For that you have to give us more info on how is your husband other wise?? I mean his approach towards you, how does he treat you, talks to you etc? How often does your husband talk to his cousin? is it from home/work? how do you know that he spoke to her? does he disclose it? or you go through his cell phone calls?Does your husband share info about how his day at work was, what are his interests, his ambitions/aspirations etc with you?? do you both have conversations??

    Forget about what she gifted him / what you gifted him all that...Basically you shouldnt force him to throw those gifts of her ...if you ask him / fight for it, he wont do it, rather slowly step by step replace all the things of her with yours:)now if he likes bunnies/ ask him which soft toy he likes..ASK him ...dont assume he would like something and dont force him to keep all the idealistic gifts you gave him...

    Men treat gifts differently than women. That too when he is emotionally attached to her, to let go off that emotion takes time. For some , they do it immeidately as soon as they get married, for some its like a hidden obsession they feel they are doing soemthing wrong if they let go off their habit.

    So you have to deal with this step by step . By the way pls dont mind, but stop giving self help books as gifts:)...self help means if i need help, I would buy it, If someone gifts it to me, I WOULD NEVER EVER READ IT.Mind you...that gift also shows that you are showing his weakness. NEVER show his weaknesses upfront, it would make him more defensive and he would be totally deaf to what you want to say to him (as he already assumes that you are underestimating or illtreating him)

    On a lighter note, Before giving gifts, why dont you see what his sun sign is, what are his passions, likes, dislikes, also ask him what are his fav. colors, patterns, choices etc..Talk to him as much as you can. Even if he says he is not itnerested, you have to initiate it, say that you read some where his sun sign people love some X color and does he like that color???from these pointers choose gifts. dont give up if he is not using them, slowly he would start..finally if your whole house is full of gifts you gave or things you chose for him, he cant order his cousin to send something ofr him isnt it???:crazy

    Also slowly tell him that as she is married (incase if his cousin is married) it doesnt look good to talk to her every day and every thing as in future it would lead to trouble and what if her husband misunderstands her (who knows even her husband is also facing the same problem as you:bonk)

    Deal here is...dont get angry, dont get emotional, dont get upset/argumentative. Make your point and be firm on it. Yes make your point multiple times. no harm in that.Start making fun of it, like if you go out and eat at a restuarant or watch a movie, just playfully tell him, hey why dont you call your cousin and tell her where we went? wht we ate:biglaugh:biglaughhe would get the point:crazy
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2010
  10. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand the pain a woman goes through when her husband gives her less importance than others, be it cousin, sister or whatever. But instead of getting more possessive try thinking from your husband's side.

    Ok, he didnt wear the shirts you gave for his birthday. That is a little disappointing. But instead of getting upset over it, take him out for shopping and ask him to choose what he likes. Same with other gifts. You are his wife. More or less you would have understood his likes and dislikes. make a note of them while buying his next gift.

    One suggestion: NEVER EVER gift anyone a self-help book. Indirectly it implies that he is lacking somewhere and needs help. If anyone gifts such a thing to me, i find it hard take it in a positive sense.

    Also please dont think of suicide. Your life is very valuable and do not waste it over such silly things. At the end of the day she is just a cousin and you are his life-partner. By attempting suicide, you are creating undue importance for a person. So think and act coolly. Be more loving and understanding towards your husband. Make your company more pleasurable. That will make your married life more blissful.

    Have a happy married life.

    -Lakshmi
     

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