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Court Reporters’ Nightmares

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by sunitak, Jun 17, 2007.

  1. sunitak

    sunitak Junior IL'ite

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    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end! Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand....
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    ______________________________<wbr>_______
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________<wbr>______
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ______________________________<wbr>__________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ___________________<wbr>________
     
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  2. sunitak

    sunitak Junior IL'ite

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    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________<wbr>________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ______________________________<wbr>______________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ______________________________<wbr>______________
    And the best for last
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. :-D
     
  3. Sriniketan

    Sriniketan IL Hall of Fame

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    This sounds like a comedy in the court room.
    Do they ask such silly questions or they memorise the questions and ask them irrespective of the answers?

    Sriniketan
     
  4. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Very funny.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for providing my daily dose of laughter !!! These are good
     
  6. madhu11

    madhu11 Bronze IL'ite

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    Had a good laugh.:rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    Madhu
     
  7. slp807

    slp807 Bronze IL'ite

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    very funny :)
     
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