Course of momhood: Age old restrictions Vs current times

aaroo · Oct 21, 2015

Hello ladies,

When I sat down feeling hopeless and helpless, I finally remembered I had an Indus ladies account and I was sure to get some help in here!
Sorry in advance for the long rant

I am married into an orthodox south family since 1.5 years.
Currently I am working part time in a clinic and I am a ayurveda research student.

I am in my early pregnancy and sadly as DH is posted to another city for three months, he is leaving in another week. He cannot cancel this.
His new office location, the accommodation given and the weather is not comfortable for me, hence I was asked to stay back.

I am not allowed to live by myself in my town and hence having to shift to in-laws place till DH is back.
In-laws place is about 2 hours of travel from my workplace and my HODs have been considerate enough to permit me to come for the clinical work just twice a week and do the rest of the research assignments as work from home.

Though I was in touch with my gynaec from mothers town since many months, MIL gave strict instructions that till I am sent to moms place for delivery, I should stick to the instructions by the doctor in her town and not my previous doctor.

I had my first doctors visit this weekend and I obediently went to the gynaec preferred by my MIL so that things are more smooth.
The doc as expected said I am perfectly fine to eat, dress, do what I want as pregnancy is not sickness. DH accompanied me as MIL could not come.

After coming home and reciting the doctors words, I was taken aback by what MIL said.
She said doctors will say 100 things, but we cant go by their words.
Age old knowledge has to be followed! Plus she dosent give a damn that I am also from medicine field.

To cut the story short, they are asking me to completely quit job or take leave for the first three months and rest at home; I am not even allowed to work from home or touch the laptop and phone.
No travel. And I am not supposed to go visit any of my relatives or friends or move to moms place until 7th month.
Some for-the-good-but-annoying restrictions I should not sit crossed leg. I should not wear leggings..I should eat kesar so that I get a fair baby!

I should stop waking up by 5 am and sleep till 8 am, lest i catch a cold from early morning breeze.
I should not bend down and wash my own plate or glass!!!
I should walk like a robo in slow motion and climb each stair and pause few seconds before I get onto the next...
I know all that I will eventually follow for the good but its toooooo early to ask me to slow down to this extent!!!

I am asked to sit and read books only related to god songs and see only TTD channel of Tirupati!

There are a few rituals which they had done at each trimester for their daughter; even though those rituals are not in my community, MIL is expecting that my mom should come to ILs house and perform them as and when! Even my mom who is herself a working lady is shocked at the way it is being imposed.

also as per MIL it is stupidity to calculate the pregnancy months starting from LMP. One must always calculate from the time one gets to know!!!!!
I was tired of convincing her that that is what is followed world over! She will stick to her notions!!

I am very worried how this will all go. I thought I will have a good bonding time with inlaws. Continue to work comfortable. Keep up my intellectual assignments etc
But in just 6 hrs of visiting them last weekend, I could only see how stressful this whole pregnancy affair is going to be when I stay with them.

What do I do??? :-(

guesshoo · Oct 21, 2015

Congratulations on your pregnancy. And your ILs for their kind offerbut refuse yo shut shop and live with them.tell them you believe differently that the happiness and goodcheer of the mum is of parsmoimt importance for the child's development. Being inactive is actually bad for you. And stay where you stay carrying on wih your research. If you are far away your sanity and the relationship might be saved.

pinky2cute · Oct 21, 2015

I would suggest just politely tell your MIL that you'll take care of yourself and your baby and assure her that you'll never risk your pregnancy for anything or anyone.

My advice- Stay where you are now and if possible get your mom to come at your place to look after you for 3months when your hubby won't be around.

After 3months you and your hubby can be together so no issues. by that time, you'll be 6-7months so then you can as well go to your parents home and have a peaceful stay till your delivery.

ll the best and enjoy your motherhood.

Metamorphic · Oct 21, 2015

You are blessed with good in-laws. May be some extra care and concern coz you are pregnant with, I guess, your first child. Unless they are creepy people having hidden agenda in making you quit the job, you are overreacting.

Do you know that some pregnant DILs are even denied food and minimal care from their in-laws? Do you know how much some DILs are mistreated during pregnancy? Read some threads here on IL. Count your blessings and be little flexible in relations. Then only you can have good bonding with your in-laws as you said. It cannot be 'your way' always ...

deeprapriya · Oct 21, 2015

@aaroo.... I can understand your situation.

I had also gone thru the same kind of things from my MIL, but I Havent stayed with her. she visits me once in a month. Once even, she switched off the tv and gave me the slogan book to me. There was some slogan which will help in normal Delivery... (I had a c- sec)...

Dont worry about her words too much..... Just say ok to the things that she says and go on with your way of doing..... Be happy... dont stress yourself with your MIL's thing....

Just take the good ideas from her and leave the rest... imagine it is just 3 months....

And dont quit your research!!!... talk to your DH on this..... or take MIL to your Gynec next time and ask your Gynec to make your MIL understand that it is not a big problem to travel twice in a week.....

Jas8085 · Oct 21, 2015

oh the other extreme is my mil made me work my ass off (plus full time job) in the name of "she needs exercise" until my body could take no more and i delivered DS in 7th month.

MalStrom · Oct 21, 2015

Your in laws sound like control freaks.
Immediately gift them a copy of the 2015 calendar so they are reminded what century we are living in.
What is your husband's take on all this? If my mom had pulled anything like this during my SIL's pregnancy my brother and I would have intervened.
Keep your living arrangements so you retain your sanity. If there are any useful suggestions they are making, follow them. Otherwise maintain your own counsel. If you absolutely cannot move in with your husband or live by yourself then go to your mom's house.

SGBV · Oct 21, 2015

Dont quit your job. Clearly tell this to your DH, and be bold when saying this. Don't seek his approval, rather tell him as an information. So that he could stand by you when speaking the same with in laws.

Working means, commuting and using gadgets. Since you are an educated person, I assume you know the limits.

Take the other advises, and enjoy the rest.

Say no to the rituals which your mom feels uncomfortable with. Ask MIL to perform if she likes, else leave it. Say this is not your custom.

First 3 months would fly soon. In the mean time, you deserve some rest too. Once kids are born, you will never get to rest. So enjoy

beingloved · Oct 21, 2015

Tell them politely that you want to continue living your life the same way as before albeit taking balanced diet and doing exercise. Be firm as it'll set pace for the rest of the pregnancy and after baby birth also. If you agree to all that is said now, there will be more rules for the baby..!! Please continue working as it'll keep you sane and divert your mind. WFH is a great option. Try to involve your husband and tell him to talk to his folks

anahita5 · Oct 21, 2015

don't leave your job, ask husband to talk to his parents, how it is important for you to finish this so you can support him when time comes, for future of kids, everything is so costly, you want to send you baby to US/Australia/Europe, you are doing it for the family. Whenever they say something just nod, don't argue and do what you want.