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Coping Up With Mother In Law After A Huge Fight

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Harini82, Apr 17, 2018.

  1. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies for this forum. I looked for online counseling and some churches that can help me with pastoral help and then I reached out to you guys.

    I am Harini and "happily" married for 12 years. Happily is in quotes because my husband and I love each other madly and we only have fights because of his side of the family and sometimes silly things.

    One evening in the last week was very rough because my MIL had a big fight with me. I am thankful to my husband because he did not take anyone's side and asked each of us to explain our problems. He corrected me if I was wrong and corrected his mom if she was wrong. I have been having issues with my mil since the last 12 years. I am not digging into what happened in the last 12 years but will tell you what happened that evening last week. I was standing out with my BIL who I took care of for the last 3 years and his wife. My MIL suddenly comes out and shouts at me asking if I have a problem with her. She apparently asked me a question an hour ago and I did not answer to her satisfaction. I spoke something that I think is normal but for her is not ok. She kept yelling at me in front of them. I told this to my husband and he acted as a mediator and tried to help the situation. He asked us to openly discuss our problems and solve it and put an end. It was about 2 hours of heated argument. she yelled at me and I did the same. She explained me her problem but I dont know if I wanted to clear out the heat, I did not explain my problem clearly. But anyways after all that, I smiled and she smiled and we both hugged. We spoke good to each other and I promised that I will be a sweet daughter to her. I am happy with the happy ending.

    But I feel insulted that this happened before my brother in law who I took care of for 3 years and his wife. His wife also has a lot of issues with my MIL but she didnt say a word. I feel like I lost the respect in my family. How can I regain my respect? How can I make my inlaws family respect me? I am ready to forget what all happened in the past and shower love on them.
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    You don’t have to work hard or shower extra love because you feel insulted or disrespected. How about being yourself and I am sure things will fall in place? The more you try to gain their respect the less they will value you for what you are. Be proud of yourself, be confident.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    One paragraph ends with "I am happy", the next starts with "But I feel insulted". You have made such abrupt transitions in dealing with them too.

    You can make a few changes to how you deal with differences with your MIL. One - after 12 years of marriage, stop going to husband with the problems. He is being the sane mediator and a little like a teacher resolving a tiff between two 5 year olds. That lessens the respect you are looking for.

    Second - when anyone starts to insult you or not listening to reason, remove yourself from that situation. Standing out with BIL and his wife? Go back inside the house or walk away a few feet after saying "We will talk later when we have cooled down."

    Third - Don't give mixed signals like not explaining your problem clearly, hugging and saying you will be like a daughter, while still feeling resentful inside.

    Try to bring a little more dignity to your words and actions. Think a little before speaking. Don't take every small complaint to husband. Try to see the drawback of him playing mediator -- it impacts the respect you want to gain or regain.
     
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  4. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Thank you very much!
     
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  5. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply. I came here looking for help because I am lost right now and feeling depressed. Looks like you did not understand or possibly assumed few things.

    To help you understand few things:

    First - I am still grateful that my husband acted as a "sane" mediator because he is the only person who knows inside out of the two of us. The differences happening between MIL and me all these years were the miscommunication of feelings that is happening and he is the ONLY person that can translate the feelings (not language). I would have agreed with you if it was my father in law trying to resolve because he doesn't know much about me.He might just take my side to end the argument quickly or his wife's side because he loves her.

    Second- my MIL came yelling when I was in the backyard with my BIL and his wife doing something. Why is it so wrong that I am standing out with them? Why were you questioning that? She went back in after yelling and I was still with BIL and his wife. My husband who doesn't know what happened came to us then and I explained the situation. What do you expect me to do instead? Call my parents and cry because I am a 5 year old?

    Third - To live happily "forget and forgive" is a good practice. I want to forget and forgive but hey, I am a human being too. It takes time. I was happy that the argument ended with us hugging and did not lead us to take a dreadful step. But when I step out of the room, dont you think I will feel insulted to face my BIL and his wife before whom all this happened?

    Please dont think that I am defending myself or I am stubborn. If you notice my earlier post, I havent posted anything about the tiff I had with her. I did not say she is bad or spoke anything negative about her. I want to be a better person before I can analyse someone else. What I am trying to do is to FORGET what happened and how I can help myself to come out of the feeling of insult and most of all, how I can make my home a good place for my husband to come back after his long day at work.

    Have a great day!
     
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  6. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Rihana, why shouldn’t the husband have to intervene ? In fact he very well should, it’s impacting his wife to the point of her feeling depressed. Luckily her husband seems to be playing fair and not taking sides. It’s also his way of standing up for his wife and his mother . If he lives in the same house , eats food cooked by them he better be aware of the stress both these women are going through . This isn’t the olden days where the men were kept away from all the domestic problems because they worked hard and did not deserve the stress at home. And it seems like him intervening helped.
    Just like indusladies ( forget her id) comes in like rajnikant and resolves our tiffs aka deletes hot posts , the husband is also the moderator / admin in their case. Do you suggest we not bother indusladies for our chota mota jhagda ?? ( oops hindi again) .

    *chota mota jhagda : small fat tiffs


     
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  7. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    :)
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The main thing you seem to be looking for is respect from in-laws including MIL, BIL, FIL, co-sister etc. You have been married for 12 years. Even after so long, if husband is still mediating between you and your MIL, it can look odd. Somehow the picture of a man being the mediator/peace maker and patiently helping the adults speak their piece, puts the two needing the mediation at a disadvantage in terms of appearances/respect. The issue might get resolved, but how it got resolved can have a longer impact. Such mediations happening often enough reinforce the impression that the two need mediation.

    Maybe I think differently and am wrong. I would feel like a child if husband is mediating like that. I would feel he is doing what I do to help kids resolve their quarrels. If I were looking for respect, I would avoid him being the mediator.

    I am perhaps not able to put it in better words. Your desire for respect conflicts with the need for mediation from husband.

    I was suggesting what to do if MIL is shouting at you in front of BIL/co-sister and not listening to your explanation. If MIL herself went back in, then, fine. It was a general suggestion -- if person yelling is not listening to reason, move away.

    Again, your desire for respect conflicts with the arguments, mediation needed and the hugging and promising to be like a daughter. "Forget and forgive" is a very naive practice if you are also looking for respect. Because there will be expectation of more forgive and forget after each argument and patch up. Forget and forgive can get you (temporary) peace, love, affection, but not respect. Her nature is not going to change. There will be more arguments. More patch up and hugs. There will be more times when she insults you in front of others. And again mediation and forgive and forget.

    Forgive and forget is good for one time or two time things, not regular MIL-DIL issues which have more of an "ongoing" nature. If forgive and forget is applied to ongoing issues, it is difficult to get the respect. Unless MIL is on the same page as you, and it is whole new start.

    You can forgive, you can forget. What matters is has your MIL changed? Does she know that she insulted you? Will she avoid such things in future. Most likely not.

    How to get respect in the family -- figure out strategies for dealing with MIL without often needing husband to be the mediator. How to make home a good place for husband to come back after long day at work -- avoid or reduce the need for him to play mediator. In private, do tell him what happened, but add to it what you did to deal with the problem.

    There will be issues with MIL if you are living in same house and looks like you are at home. Deal with the issue, tell husband about the issue, keep the narration short, don't expect him to criticize his mother too much, tell him how you managed the issue, and then move on to more pleasant topics, conversation.
     
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  9. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply. But I am still not sure why my husband being a mediator is such a big deal for you. I will honest by saying that your response is very confusing and I am like.. huh? what is happening!!
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I am not saying the husband should be spared the burden of intervening.

    I am looking at how things look from a big picture pov. Two grown women from two generations have to share a house, have some issues, have had for years, man is continually playing the mediator role. Something about that makes the women seem to be of inferior ability to resolve issues. Such mediation is more suitable for a FIL resolving issues between two DIL's.
     
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