Confused

Hey Mini,


First Cheer up girl. Life ai'nt that bad.
You need to think deep before taking any next step. Since your husband has got the wrong patterns set in him for last 4 years. Four years is long time to have him bonded.

I would suggest, you talk in detail to him, when he is in mood to talk. Dont talk like a looser or helpless woman. Talk like a sensible, strong and wise lady.

Tell him this is how you would like both of you to carry out your finances.
First prepare a finance plan with your husband. List out all the loans and all the monthly expenses. Then both of you put equal money in common account for the expenses. Rest of the salary is yours to save and his to save in your respective accounts. Both of you could pull in more money equally whenever needed for house.
Since the houses are only in his name, you have to convince him to put in both of your name, if you are also paying for its loans.

All this sounds very logical and common sense thing, but husbands exploit females thinking they will never ask for equality in finance and household. You need to slowly and gradually train him to help you equally in kitchen. I would suggest starting with small tasks like, ask him to vaccun the house, put the dishes in dishwasher, etc.

Dont cry and emotionally explain things to him. Men just dont understand the tears and emotional appeals of women. So try to be logical and strong when explaining things to them.
Hope this gives some pointer. Please go slow in bringing this change. You may end up creating bitterness if you try to do all changes in one go. Think deep, strategise your move and then implement. Husbands are better handled with Brain than Heart.

Best Wishes

Ria

 

Hello there,

I 've been a very silent reader of this website for sometime now and your post really surprises me.

Not in his defense, but curious...
1. Why does your husband behave with you like that?, Has this been his nature from the start or did it change somewhere in between?

2. I don't know your history, but is he feeling insecured that you have financial independence and you might do things at your will??.. ( which again could be unacceptable according to him mind and he not willing to tell you that )

Trust me, there are men with such atttitude, i might be wrong, in your case, but if you still not "aware" of the reason, this might be good thing to think.

My feeling, defenitely discuss but at the appropriate time,discuss one issue, because if you talk too much he might be alerted. Study his mind, understand what makes him do that to you.

On that note, if you feel that the conversation is leading to an argument, drop the discussion right away, coz, if you argue further you might not even get another chance to talk.

My two cents...

Hope for the best.

Shilpa

 

Hey Mini

A Warm and reassuring Hug. Life is not all that bad.Any problem in life can be solved with a calm mind and willing heart.

I totally know where you are coming from. I have heard this atleast 5-6 times in my friend circle. And I am telling you, you are 50% culprit for this. Hard fact but true.
Husbands necessarily are more selfish lot than wives. Indian wives are brought up with this sacrifical mentality. You dont have to really be all that sacrifical to enjoy a good marriage.

If you are more capable and more earning. You really dont have to be dominating but no harm in being ASSERTIVE. Even studies show, males tend to treat self-respecting and assertive women better compared to Docile and submissive ones.

I wouldnt suggest going all out and solving all issues in one day. Marriage is a complicated process. It takes years of hardwork to build a castle of companionship. Sometime we seem to be putting all the bricks. That is time when you need to step back and see, why your partner stopped putting bricks in the house. Its his shelter also, He also is getting security of having companion in old age.

So here s something you should think about and strategise.

- List 5 most annoying things which you think you can no longer take from your husband.
- Pick one thing out of those 5 and work for one month to get that straight.
- If you feel your strategy is not getting you results , than rework your strategy. Seek out help from more experienced women. Your mom , your friend, even counsellor, IL or just about anything. Its our responsibility to better our own life.
- Give sometime strong treatment to your husband if he act stubborn. You really need to train this guy. Check out my previous thread in "NEED ADVICE" I suggested some ways to train husband. Those are tested and highly successful means.
- Male brain works very differently compared to female brain. Try to understand what works with your husband. Which way he s more receptive.
- Dont always nag. You got to be working towards becoming a friend than a wife. Males are best receptive in friend mode than any other.

Keep trying. And have faith.
Ria

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Mini ,first of all you are an independent smart woman. Why do you think you need to give in to your hubby's demands. Even i am in one such relationship. Only i dont work but i am helping my husband with his job growth by doing his secretarial work.but still once he gets a project and his pay cheque is his hard work and he forgets me totally. Its their brought up which contributes to that. My in laws live in 12 century where they feel i shud just press my in laws and husband;s feet and follow his wish like a command. On the contrary they talk about women's rights when it is their daughter in her in laws house.
Why dont u start by doing small changes. Say for example open a separate a/c for your salary. Do not give into emotional blackmail or abuse. be firm. If we succumb to their blackmail or abuse they increase it. If we oppose they back off. Basically its insecurity .Before i was scared of my husband's physical and mental abuse because I thought there was no way i cud get of it . But once i took a step to put a stop to it my husband has been normal and not treating me like doormat.We should never ever let anybody else rule over us. If we do they become the dictators and we the submissive people all the time. Not worth it.
take care . do post back.