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Confused

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Mini7708, Dec 5, 2007.

  1. Mini7708

    Mini7708 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    am a new member here..need your advice plz
    How are finances managed between working couples..my husbandy says i have to give away all my salary to him and not question anything about his salary or how it is managed...
    do i just have to blindly follow him ...
    i feel bad to say but he hardly takes care of me..i have to look after myself and my needs even when i am sick..how to live such a life..we are married for close to 4 years and don't have any kids..we are s/w professionals ..i came to US this year and my hubby is here since last year..He expects me to pay the EMI's for all loans on my name in india..i took them when he bought some plots on his name..i paid till i had money in my acct in india and when i told him i don't have any now and asked him to pay, he got irritated...i worked only for 2 months and just have a very few thousand dollars in my acct but he still wants me to transfer that amount to india..
    i feel bad when my hubby doesn't own up the responsibility..
    He expects me to do all the work in the house..he will not get even a glass of water for himself..even when i am sick he will not do anything...all i do is do all the chores and earn money for him..am tired and depressed of my life...
    please advice
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hey Mini,


    First Cheer up girl. Life ai'nt that bad.
    You need to think deep before taking any next step. Since your husband has got the wrong patterns set in him for last 4 years. Four years is long time to have him bonded.

    I would suggest, you talk in detail to him, when he is in mood to talk. Dont talk like a looser or helpless woman. Talk like a sensible, strong and wise lady.

    Tell him this is how you would like both of you to carry out your finances.
    First prepare a finance plan with your husband. List out all the loans and all the monthly expenses. Then both of you put equal money in common account for the expenses. Rest of the salary is yours to save and his to save in your respective accounts. Both of you could pull in more money equally whenever needed for house.
    Since the houses are only in his name, you have to convince him to put in both of your name, if you are also paying for its loans.

    All this sounds very logical and common sense thing, but husbands exploit females thinking they will never ask for equality in finance and household. You need to slowly and gradually train him to help you equally in kitchen. I would suggest starting with small tasks like, ask him to vaccun the house, put the dishes in dishwasher, etc.

    Dont cry and emotionally explain things to him. Men just dont understand the tears and emotional appeals of women. So try to be logical and strong when explaining things to them.
    Hope this gives some pointer. Please go slow in bringing this change. You may end up creating bitterness if you try to do all changes in one go. Think deep, strategise your move and then implement. Husbands are better handled with Brain than Heart.

    Best Wishes

    Ria
     
  3. Shilpa77

    Shilpa77 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello there,

    I 've been a very silent reader of this website for sometime now and your post really surprises me.

    Not in his defense, but curious...
    1. Why does your husband behave with you like that?, Has this been his nature from the start or did it change somewhere in between?

    2. I don't know your history, but is he feeling insecured that you have financial independence and you might do things at your will??.. ( which again could be unacceptable according to him mind and he not willing to tell you that )

    Trust me, there are men with such atttitude, i might be wrong, in your case, but if you still not "aware" of the reason, this might be good thing to think.

    My feeling, defenitely discuss but at the appropriate time,discuss one issue, because if you talk too much he might be alerted. Study his mind, understand what makes him do that to you.

    On that note, if you feel that the conversation is leading to an argument, drop the discussion right away, coz, if you argue further you might not even get another chance to talk.

    My two cents...

    Hope for the best.

    Shilpa
     
  4. Mini7708

    Mini7708 New IL'ite

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    Thanks so much for your replies..Thanks ria

    He has always been like this since our marriage..he is never ready to discuss anything..even if i start to talk he will just shout and walkout..according to him a wife should never ask any questions and should understand her husbands silence and act accordingly....i always supported him in everything..i got him out of his finacial burdens and helped him buy property on his name..i took loans and pay EMI now..
    i always earned twice his salary and never ever showed any dominance or arrogance..he sells the plots we bought and never even bothers to let me know..i get to know about these when he discusses with his relatives...all his family including brother's and sister's family and kids live in ourhouse india..he supports all of them ...i don't mind him supporting them but expect to take care of me as well..
    he never bothers to think about my needs..all i have to do is act according to him..i married because i needed a companion in life..i am financially independent and can support myself...just wonder if this is called marraige where i just have to work..do chores and act according to my husband even if he never treats me well...if something goes wrong in the house he will start to blame me even when the mistake is on his part..if he has to write an official mail in office,he will call up and ask me how he has to draft a mail...his english is bad and he needs me there....he just utilises me for every need of his but never bothers to treat me well..

    if this is called marraige then am tired and depressed...just want to walk out of this..
    not able to bear this emotional and mental turmoil...
    please .plz..advice if i am thinking right..

    Thanks for stopping by...
     
  5. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hey Mini

    A Warm and reassuring Hug. Life is not all that bad.Any problem in life can be solved with a calm mind and willing heart.

    I totally know where you are coming from. I have heard this atleast 5-6 times in my friend circle. And I am telling you, you are 50% culprit for this. Hard fact but true.
    Husbands necessarily are more selfish lot than wives. Indian wives are brought up with this sacrifical mentality. You dont have to really be all that sacrifical to enjoy a good marriage.

    If you are more capable and more earning. You really dont have to be dominating but no harm in being ASSERTIVE. Even studies show, males tend to treat self-respecting and assertive women better compared to Docile and submissive ones.

    I wouldnt suggest going all out and solving all issues in one day. Marriage is a complicated process. It takes years of hardwork to build a castle of companionship. Sometime we seem to be putting all the bricks. That is time when you need to step back and see, why your partner stopped putting bricks in the house. Its his shelter also, He also is getting security of having companion in old age.

    So here s something you should think about and strategise.

    - List 5 most annoying things which you think you can no longer take from your husband.
    - Pick one thing out of those 5 and work for one month to get that straight.
    - If you feel your strategy is not getting you results , than rework your strategy. Seek out help from more experienced women. Your mom , your friend, even counsellor, IL or just about anything. Its our responsibility to better our own life.
    - Give sometime strong treatment to your husband if he act stubborn. You really need to train this guy. Check out my previous thread in "NEED ADVICE" I suggested some ways to train husband. Those are tested and highly successful means.
    - Male brain works very differently compared to female brain. Try to understand what works with your husband. Which way he s more receptive.
    - Dont always nag. You got to be working towards becoming a friend than a wife. Males are best receptive in friend mode than any other.

    Keep trying. And have faith.
    Ria

    -
     
  6. Mini7708

    Mini7708 New IL'ite

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    ....am sorry for the delayed response..just took up a new project and needed some time to settle down
    Thanks so much ria..not sure how to thank u but ur message did give me courage to think and resolve my issues..i realised that such issues can be solved and i don't have to run away from them..will have a positive outlook and follow ur advice of handling my hubby...i loved ur wordes where u said a man has to be dealt with brain and not heart..
    it is so true about them..

    Thanks a lot...

    -Mini
     
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Mini ,first of all you are an independent smart woman. Why do you think you need to give in to your hubby's demands. Even i am in one such relationship. Only i dont work but i am helping my husband with his job growth by doing his secretarial work.but still once he gets a project and his pay cheque is his hard work and he forgets me totally. Its their brought up which contributes to that. My in laws live in 12 century where they feel i shud just press my in laws and husband;s feet and follow his wish like a command. On the contrary they talk about women's rights when it is their daughter in her in laws house.
    Why dont u start by doing small changes. Say for example open a separate a/c for your salary. Do not give into emotional blackmail or abuse. be firm. If we succumb to their blackmail or abuse they increase it. If we oppose they back off. Basically its insecurity .Before i was scared of my husband's physical and mental abuse because I thought there was no way i cud get of it . But once i took a step to put a stop to it my husband has been normal and not treating me like doormat.We should never ever let anybody else rule over us. If we do they become the dictators and we the submissive people all the time. Not worth it.
    take care . do post back.
     

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