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Confused, Irritated And Hurt Due To Dh.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by seekout, May 21, 2020.

  1. seekout

    seekout Silver IL'ite

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    Hello All. I'm back after many years now.
    I'm married for 5+ years now and have a daughter of 2 years. My husband is a good person in general.
    Initially for around 2 years, he would try to understand my burden, emotions etc.
    Now I feel so burdened by my office work and house hold work along with looking after my daughter. If i say all this, he says i can't help. If i ask him to even handle a small tiny work, he refuses.
    He says this is woman's responsibility and that's how your mother and my mother did it. Initially, he never made such blatant statements. He used to do some help(not taking responsibility. only help) but now it's nil.
    I've spoken to him several times and it always ends up bad.

    Now from last 2 years, he shouts at me in front of everyone like my househelp, In-laws, daughter etc.
    something like shut up, get lost, it's your mistake kind of things. Many times i later tell him and he apologises for his act but this repeats again. I too shout at him when he does.
    He is quite supportive of me having a career(like suggesting course, jobs etc) but then doesn't enable me to fulfil it.

    Sometimes i feel like calling it quits. Should i continue this relationship?
    My parents though understand all this but don't support me leaving the relationship.
    I'm financially independent, if it matters. Please suggest any ways I can make him understand.
     
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  2. seekout

    seekout Silver IL'ite

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  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    90% husbands are like yours. We cant change anyone's mentality. But I do not think you should divorce him or separate from him just because he is not helping you in household chores.

    I know lockdown has made things difficult for all of us. But if he is not helping you (which ideally he should ) then minimise your work.
    Don't cook fresh meals 3times a dy.
    Make in bulk, store, reheat n give. If he complains, you can calmy tell him this is all you can manage alone without any help.

    He will either get the hint and start helping you or even if not, he has no option than eat what is served.

    For cleaning, clean only kitchen n baby room (where ur baby is on floor n playing). Don't clean all the rooms.

    If he complains tell him you can't do it beyond this.

    Do your n baby's laundry n let him do his own.

    Don't do any of his personal work.

    Instead of shouting n forcing him to help you, use this method.

    Either he will start contributing or he will shutup and adjust silently.

    Be deaf for his complaints. Don't react. Just assert your point calmly n leave from that place
     
    hermitcrab and joylokhi like this.
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    You are in same condition I was 17 years back. From last 5 years my husband is sharing housework kids work but it was too late. I have so much resentment about past. He started helping me only when I was ready to file divorce. I regret for not taking action before. When kids were small I was scared of divorce. But if you show him now that you are ready to leave him he may change. Try trial separation if he doesn’t improve. Or hire more help like nanny or housekeeper. You can earn save money later but when kids are small it’s too much overwhelming for working mothers.
     
    ZenSojourner and hermitcrab like this.
  5. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    This!!! Comparing us to mom’ gen. I dont get it.

    Are men doing what our dads used to do? Farming, keeping in touch with current affairs, making kids study, taking kids places/relatives house...etc etc.

    If we women have to stay in the same phase as parents gen, then why go through the trouble of getting good education and good life. I think men are jealous that we are breaking barriers and not dependent on them.

    OP.. but our mothers gen definitely mastered mending husband to some extent. I hope I get there some day.

    In my case, I outsourced work to cook, daycares, maids, swiggy, etc. But, I wish i can put some sense into my H that he needs to help at home and not just that.. take responsibility for some chores.
     
    ZenSojourner likes this.
  6. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Op, why do you want to divorce him?....just because he is not helping you in household chores. There are soo many other alternatives u can try.....like using frozen food instead of fresh food....hire a nany or housekeeper. If not doing some basic cleaning which is absolutely necessary. Think about all the alternatives you can try.
    You said intially he was used to help you. now he says it is women responsibility.Here I want to ask a question " are you living with mil and fil"?? This because some pil guide their son not to help his wife because it's women responsibility, otherwise they will brand him 'joru ka Gulam'. I think this is what happened in your case. As you said he is nice in general.Try to find the solution instead of stick to the problem....good luck.
     
  7. FreshDewdrops

    FreshDewdrops Bronze IL'ite

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    This behaviour from men is so frustrating without clear solution for it.
    But still I will try to ease it for you.
    You should make it a rule at home that everyone who is capable must do their own work. You shouldn't bring his food or water to the place where he is sitting. While you prepare food tell him to set the table. If he refuses, finish cooking, fill your plate and start eating. Similarly iron and fold your clothes and keep them in your cupboard. Stuff his clothes as bundle in his cupboard. Feed your kid and yourself, leave leftovers on table, and take your kid and relax in bedroom. If he refuses to cut vegetables dont cook his favourite curries just cook your favourites. If he wants to eat his favourites he has to help. If he wants clean house he has to participate in the cleaning process. Make it clear gently but firmly
     
    hermitcrab and ZenSojourner like this.
  8. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Agreed with most women here. Most men are like that and are selfish at some point and they all have one understanding issue or another.
    Problem is -
    1. We have lot of chores around house
    2. and we as women want things to be done our way, our timings. Men do n't.
    3. Help is expensive
    Divorce for this reason may not be right since kids are also small. For you, If no other issues, cut down your chores and hire help.
    When I was pregnant with 2nd child, my office work was too much. I was doing everything myself at home - cooking, cleaning and baby and someones older pick up/drop off. We used to have lot of fights for things i won't do or sometimes when i wont do. people suggesting me to hire help or get food from outside, husband did not agree. Then we had baby, some cleaning job came to my H, and he would yell like anything. I hired help inspite of his resistance and now he wants cleaning lady every few weeks.
    We still have many issues and he is getting unbearable with his double face, i am telling truth - I considered legal advice in the past and still thinking about it and probably few more years. I do not have lot of money saving. But my kids are little and they need father. I do not. I will see after year or so.
    I try to cut down 1. by not doing extra cooking/cleaning, still i have so many things and he keeps screaming.
    I can not control 2. when he does things really unacceptable to me
    I do 3. as I thought I will save once kids are bigger. My sanity is importnat which i do not get either way
     
  9. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP - this is how I see
    1. He is earning. You are earning.
    2. After work he rests and does what he likes. But for you after office work there are many household tasks. So you are working many folds more than him.
    3. You both have one life which he is living the way he wants. For you there is no life of your own, no me time, no likes or dislikes. You cook what he likes to eat.
    4. He is comparing you to his mother, etc. I am not saying to argue with him with these points but think for yourself. Is he like male members of your parents side family or his side of family?
    5. I am contradicting my point only but why to compare? Everyone has different capacity, different abilities.
    6. Is your MIL and/or mother have been working women? If no, there is no ground for comparison.
    7. In simple words your husband is a selfish person.

    Now coming to your issue of overload


    As others have suggested, do whatever you can do without over tiring yourself.

    Wherever possible, outsource.

    Do not give all your earning to him.

    He is giving only money. Whereas you are giving money and doing all household work.


    After office work take some rest. Just don’t rush to do housework.

    Take charge of your life. Come out of that old school of thoughts that only a wife has to do all the household work . It worked when a wife stayed at home.

    About his anger bursts -if he is not able to handle his own feelings, he has to figure out his stress triggers. So when he is calm, sit with him, talk to him one to one basis, no third person be there. Let him know this way of yelling at you in front of others specially is not acceptable to you. You are not his punching bag.


    If you are living with your in-laws then the household was running before you came 5 years ago. That arrangement should continue now also. You need not take everything on you.


    I hope this will help you to think and stand for yourself.
     
    hermitcrab and PurpleRoses like this.
  10. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    People get married to have some companionship and love, but when your spouse turns out be a wicked person, the same marriage makes your life hell.
    I personally have never experienced any bliss in married life. I see many of my friends talk so positive about their married life. But my silent wish is to go back to my pre marriage days. When I was so happy and carefree.

    Now I am also thinking once kids are a bit older, I will seperate. Really unlucky in this regard. Where as if you get to marry a good person, same life becomes so happy...
     
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