1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Confused As Ever!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by glfrd1, Jun 15, 2018.

  1. glfrd1

    glfrd1 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All:

    I've been a silent reader for a long time. I've enjoyed the advice and wisdom all of you have given and I'm hoping you can help me out. I could truly use some clarity!

    What Would You Do? Your husband tells you the relationship is not working out. Then asks you, what do you want to do? My response, "I want to work it out." His response, "Ok, stop smoking." My response: "If I do, are you willing to work on the marriage?" His response: "It's whatever you want to do?" My reaction: "Huh????????"

    Little Background: My husband is Indian and I am American. We've been married for close to two years with our biggest issues in the area of communication and intimacy. When we first met, we had so many things in common and got along great. I really felt like he was the one for me. Then we married and moved in together as husband and wife.

    We're in our 40's and have never lived or been married to other people before. So living together has been a real adjustment on both our parts. He hates the fact that I smoke, only outside the house, and thinks that I lied to him regarding my smoking habit. I've never lied to him about it, as we had discussed the issue before marriage. I asked him then if it bothered him, and he said "No." Now, it is a problem, and he somewhat claims this is the reason why he is unhappy in our marriage.

    I say somewhat because my husband is never direct with what he thinks is the problem. Every discussion we have is about how I'm not doing the right things and how he has to find the strength to forgive me multiple times. I've asked him to be clear on what he sees as the problem, and his respond has always been, "You know what the problem is. I've told you many times." Every time he makes that statement, I feel more confused and frustrated than ever before.

    So, my question to you is this: "What would you do if your husband tells you things are not working out and expects you to solve all the problems?"
     
    Loading...

  2. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    81
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Change the changes before the changes change you.... Sure shocks the hell out of me and make me feel weak. After all emotions running in my mind I would gather all my thoughts and just sit with him.

    Its two of us got hooked to live the dream of our life so we ought to sort it out.. Will surely discuss the issue and will never mind to let ho my ego and take his view .. If really I have something that's bothering him I will try my best to do the best thing for our life. . If really he deserves me I will do and vice versa... Not just like do this that or anything type will see if this relationship is worth a shot and still we believe the magic live in our life and even one yes will make me try to work it out.... Never give up...
     
  3. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    549
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    With whatever info u have given, Iam trying to give you some thoughts about it, which may or may not be feasible because you are undergoing the problem.
    1. Marital counselling - to find out what is there in his mind and to take steps to clear it out. What + and - are there in him and you and how to rectify those in u both.
    2. An open talk between u two . Since ur background and his background varies I don't know whether talk having both of ur families reg. this may work out.
    3. Unless a detailed discussion is made, this may result in a vague path. So Pls arrange for some external support or plan for a detailed discussion between u two. Thank you.
     
  4. chasingdreams

    chasingdreams Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    43
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    hi,

    if it's just the smoking that triggers all your fights,my advice to you is to try and quit it. Since it is bad for your lungs and all, quitting smoking will have 2 benifits- ur better health and a better marriage
     
    Sweety82 likes this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Why not take a break from smoking n see if there's any positive changes in husband behaviour ?

    If he's still like that, then smoking isn't the problem, there's something else.

    Intimacy - you initiate it n see if that makes a difference.

    Communication - try talking to him in a very calm manner. Or write a question on a paper n make him write the answer.

    Start going out, plan weekend trips, go for parties, do the things you were doing while dating, change your routine a little.

    See if any of this makes any positive difference.

    If none of this does, n he still talks in riddles, he maybe going through men's menopause, it's a thing men go through when they reach 40s. Get him some medical help n also go for couple counselling to get out of this phase.
     

Share This Page