Confronted MIL cos she badmouthed me...

shruthi10 · Sep 20, 2011

Hi,

I know the right thing to do is juz ignore this...but I just wanna vent..this is a bit long....

I used to have a maid for 2 years and my MIL sort of insisted that I send the maid to her hse each week to do spring cleaning. I obliged and sent her...my MIL wld pay her some money each time my helper cleaned her home..

This year my maid went back, but when I got a new maid..she cld not handle my kids and the hse..and at the same time, my MIL decided to get her own maid....so my hubby said juz send our maid back and put kids with MIL = big MISTAKE!!!

There is a lot of baggage for us...MIL used to badmouth me a lot and whenever we found out and asked her, she wld deny...SIL wld always cause problems by poking MIL to think badly of me...

Anyway, I just sent my kids to MIL and we were cordial to each other...when her maid came along...I never spoke ill of MIL....

Then when my hubby requested for the maid to clean our hse each week...all the problems started..MIL was hesitant to send...but eventually she did send once...

When my hubby asked for the maid again the following week...my MIL said the maid doesnt wanna go cos we didnt give food, water and the money not enuff etc...my hubby was v pissed and he said that whatever the maid complained is not true...

The next day, I sent my kids to my MIL....my MIL was not ard...so I asked the maid...why she said that i didnt give food and water and the money not enuff..the maid said she said no such thing...but the maid said she wants more money if I want her to come to my hse...

Then I told my husband this....he said no need for this maid as she seemed v demanding...then I told my hubby that it is not fair that they never reciprocate when I had maid, they expected me to send...we had a big fight as hubby doesnt like me to say anything abt his family...also bcos i didnt wanna go out with his family cos i had a lot of hsework...

Then the following day, we when we went to MIL hse...to bring them out...(my MIL, SIL, 3 nieces..SIL is divorced). I went to ask the maid whether she is following us...she said not sure...then when MIl saw us talking, quickly she went to tell the maid something..

The next morning I went to MIL hse in the morning...again my MIL not home..the maid came to tell me that MIL warned her never to talk to me..she said I am a v mean person and also never to tell me if the kids ate properly or not (cos once I asked the maid)....she also said I am v one kind...spending so much on myself but not willing to give the maid more money...maid said MIL is the one who asked her to ask for more money...

I was v upset...smsed to hubby abt this..no reply...cos he nvr believed me...

Another day, again the maid said my MIL keeps picking on her work...she also scolds her the whole day..I nvr gave any comments...she said SIL poking the mother...I said..well be careful...and juz follow instructions...

Then, she said that MIL said I am not doing any work at MIL hse...so I told her...I come back at 7pm, whenever I can, I will wash the dishes,..sweep the floor etc..I am also v tired...cos I have work at my own home too...mostly laundry...

This time I gave up..never told my husband anything cos he wun believe...maid also said if tell my husband ok..but not MIL...

Then just a few days ago..I went to my MIL hse to fetch my kids, the maid was crying....MIL and SIL shouting at her at the top of her voice...when they saw me...they kept quiet..told the maid to go in the room...not to make a scene...and that they will send her back the next day..

My hubby came back...I told him since maid is going back, I want to trash out everything to clear my name...he asked his mum what is the problem etc..

She changed the whole story...as usual...

Said the maid cant work, blah blah...ok anyway, he asked her is it true that my MIL asked the maid to ask for more money...she said no...that the maid is asking for more money and MIL said she can try asking me...then I asked my MIL why when I sent the maid she gave certain amt and I nvr got involved..but now she has to teach the maid to ask for more money...my MIL said..oh well I dunno, this maid is asking for more money...

My hubby also asked her why she said I am mean and not to talk to me...but MIL said I said in general not to talk to any1...then maid suddenly came out from room and told hubby everything....what my MIL said etc...SIls houted at her at top of her voice..to keep quiet...but maid told my hubby...

Then my hubby advised the maid not to cause problems...b/w family members...but maid said she juzt wanna clarify....I just kept quiet...SIL was shouting at maid..and said she gonna pack her to India...SIL also said if we can talk all this, what else we may have talked abt...MIL also agreed...maid said she nvr saw a family like this..always badmouthing the DIL...

To tell u the truth, 99% of my quarrels with hubby are caused by MIL and SIL...I am v stressed...

Now, they sent the maid back citing that she cant work...I dun have the maid's no to call her...thot I cld give her some financial assistance.....I am trying to get my own maid..but hubby wun agree...why does he still expect me to get along with them as tho nothing happened..I am v pissed...if my family did this to him..I wld not exp the same...but why as a DIL I always have to be at the losing end...

hubby planning outings intending to bring them...but I told him, I am not willing to come...everytime he goes there to fetch the kids..they influence him..when he comes back...he lashes out at me..I just keep quiet nowadays...like yesterday he told me my SIL told him that I badmouthed her to my daughter...every time got such issues...I juz feel like running away with my kids..

I dunno what to do...why these pple always wanna ruin other pple's lives...after all, the maid was here for only 1 month...what was the need to speak badly of me to a maid!!!!

bramvi · Sep 23, 2011

Dear,
My view of this : is going to make you mad but I believe in writing down what I feel without sugar coating or honey coating it.
Looks like you value your maid's opinions more than your MIL's or SIL's or even your husbands ?! & I have very very serious questions about that maid's sanity !!! Whoever she is ,she seems very very immature and calculative!!! Not a sane person will try to turn family members against each other ! They(MIL & SIL) were mean to her and for her turn she took her vengeance by making them look like bad people in front of their son(your DH). Glad she is gone .Her shrewdness added with your immaturity would have taken the family to places!
You sent your kids to your MIL's house and now why did you want their maid to come to your house ?.Can't you find someone else or make some other arrangement to groom your house ?. YOU started the 'mistake' by inviting their maid to your house. You had your 'Tits for tats'. They invited your maid and so you invited theirs ?! wrong attitude!!
Also why would your husband involve in such things ? as like 'asking the maid' business ?
Your MIL asking your maid to come to her house is different than you asking their maid to come to your house.
Theirs look like a busier family with 3 kids and mostly women!. Once you send your kids to their house , how can you expect the "same" maid to work for your house too. she works for that family plus your kids in the daytime and I guess you wanted her in the evenings! No wonder she has asked for more money!
How sure are you about if your MIL really told all those things about you to the maid ?.
You ALL did a big blunder as a family by fighting in front of the maid. A calculative 3rd person (the maid) has used up all the excess information to her benefits , tried to split the family and also try to gain sympathy from the ever-angry DIL of the house!
Well, all I can say is , please try to accept and acknowldege the fact that MIL , SIL and her kids are also part of the family and adjust with all of them. It is really good that your hubby wants to be cordial/have a relationship with his divorced sibling and mom throughout his life!
You would want your kids also to stand for each other and to their parents later on in life when and if such a situation arises(god forbid not!)

tashidelek2002 · Sep 24, 2011

I'm sorry but after reading your posting I am wondering what YOU do every day? You send off your kids for someone to take care of, you want to have a maid, and you say you are overwhelmed WITH LAUNDRY????? I certainly know they have washing machines in Singapore...how can you be overwhelmed with laundry? Women all over the world take care of their own kids and their homes and do laundry and succeed at it. Maybe your MIL is sick of you foisting off your responsibilities on her. I suggest you take care of your own home and own kids and don't be running over there and maybe things will settle down for you in the future. Sorry to be so blunt.

shruthi10 · Sep 26, 2011

I am working full time....my husband likes a clean place and he wants bed sheets to be washed every week...he is so demanding when it comes to housework but doesnt lift a finger. If cleanliness is so impt to him, he shld do it himself...I am not pushing the responsibilities to my MIL...my husband doesnt wanna take a maid...he wants me to work full time...what can I do...he doesnt feel it is safe to leave the kids with a maid..although we did this for 2 yrs. I sent them my maid for 2 years each week..left it totally to the maid whether she wants to work there or not...I never asked her how much she was paid etc...now when they have the maid and the maid wanted to come..why did they have to teach her to ask for more money. I am willing to give more money if the maid asks...but why must they instigate the maid...yes, we have washing machines in Spore...but it is hard, at night after I come back from my stressful job, to do all the cleaning and laundry and stuff...morning I have to send my gal to school and my son to my MIL's place...my husband will not even help me when I am doing vacuuming and mopping on weekends...he will not even send my son to his mum's place on weekdays even though he goes to work later and drives...even when my son is sleeping, I have to send my son in the pram...

Why is it different when I have maid and when she has maid...when she asks, why do I have to oblige....its not even legal and I was so afraid I wld get into trouble...but now she purposely caused problems so that maid cant come to my hse...i took such a big risk...and this is what I get...

after marriage, a man shld look after his wife and kids...why shld i consider them as my family...they are my husband's family...not mine..I have treated them like my own for 7 years....i was even closer to them then my own family but this is what i get....MIL and SIL always badmouth me to their relatives, my relatives...but when i ask them...they deny...is the whole world lying except them....

I regret putting my post here...bcos pple never understand...I am also a SIL..I don't cling on to my brothers for every single thing....there need to be boundaries...every weekend they expect us to bring them out...and my husband wants to go with them...leaving me with all the hsework...I also need quality time with my family...why cant MIL and SIL understand that.....she wants her daughter with her all the time...but when I go out with my sis, she makes a big fuss...what is it to her...when my kids go to my sis' place during weekends, she is unhappy...it is not fair...she is already with my kids on weekdays..weekends is my time...

The issue here is why instigate the maid...why cant my husband get involved...shldnt these issues get solved by him...its his mum and sis after all...

My sis in law is such a great actress...I have seen so many incidents, I dunno where to start...whenever she instigates my MIL...surely, it wld lead to a fight...she is always jealous even when my MIL buys something for my kids...she is the one who chose to divorce...she was nvr independant...always at my MIL's place...which husband will like it...she is so loud and temperamental...I pity her kids...she nvr cooked, cleaned or did anything called hsework in her life...and now they have the cheek to speak abt me.....and they always twist and turn the words and make themselves the victims...

I know all MILs are like this to some extent...but why do we dILs have to bear with everything...I wanna get my own maid or stay home with my kids...but husband wont let...MIL always emotionally blackmailing him that the sis' kids need him to be there etc...I also have an unmarried BIL who is staying with them...why does my husband need to be there for them all the time...

when my kids grow up..I am gonna tell my daughter to leave my son alone when he is with his own family...my daughter will also have her own family...that is the right way....if we as DILs have to be so close to hubby's side..why doesnt he make the same effort...he only comes to my side for impt functions...it is not balanced and it is not fair...

omnam · Sep 27, 2011

Dont worry this problem is everywhere. All MILs and SILs will take out their frustration of life on the happy ppl. Dont allow them to succeed.

Once ur IL have their maid. After that get your own maid to avoid the same kind of issues where your MIL will call your maid. You have to politely convince your husband telling that its adding stress to go to ILs place after work to bring kids, coming back home and cooking and spending time with family and of course to avoid any kind of confusions in future again. Since you had maid for 2yrs when kids younger, now it wont be a problem as they quite grown up.

Also, try convince him to have a weekend for YOUR family time only not MIL, SIL and kids. Let your BIL manage them for while.

When he take them out, please be along with him. It sounds weired, but you dont have choice as your MIL will surely again instinct about you in your absence and your efforts will bring you back to ground zero. This advise is for only those DIL who have this kind of MIL. Otherwise I too beleive mother and son can have their own space to share their thoughts as any other relation.

shruthi10 · Sep 27, 2011

Hi Omnam,

Yes, I am waiting for them to get their own maid before I get mine...but my husband is against leaving the kids with a maid....i dunno why he feels this way suddenly..will try to convince him on that. Also when I went out with them recently, after this whole incident...I didnt speak a word to them..just took care of my kids...its v awkward..but what can I do...cos I dun want them to influence him. However, on weekdays...my husband fetches the kids from their hse...as I dun want to go there and have dinner...I feel v unwelcome...even when my BIL saw me at the gate, he just walked away...when my husband comes home from fetching the kids...he looks really pissed with me. My daughter, 6 yrs old...says my niece (SIL daughter) keeps asking her what I said abt them...my gal will tell them abt our fights etc....my SIL complained to my husband recently that I badmouthed her to my daughter...yes I admit I did say something but only bcos of this whole incident...and also I blocked my SIL from Facebook cos she gave my MIL info that I went out with their neighbour's daughter...they dun like me being frens with that gal (apparently cos they badmouthed me to that gal's mum)...

I just want to have my own maid...and I will never let my maid work for them...will get an agreement on that from the maid...

I just dunno what to expect each day....when i go home...my husband gets so angry with me all the time...there was once he raised his hands and twisted my arm...but it is not bcos he is a bad person...its cos of his family...he wants me to get along with them no matter what...he also always talks abt divorce and has made it clear to me that if I cant get along with his family, he is going to divorce me....after he said this a few times..I told him to go ahead as I can be on my own with my kids..but he says he will let the court decide whether i get the kids....this whole fight was becos last weekend I didnt want him to bring his family for the outing that I was planning...I am trying not to fight him cos I really want to work things out...I dun want to divorce as he is a nice person and a gd father....my kids need him...my in laws will be happy if we were to separate as they want my husband and my kids..but not me...

lettersoumya · Sep 27, 2011

Let me tell u this happens everywhere.Gosh I just had 2 months with my inlaws n i was in a verge of messing ma whole life.N the sad part is Tht We DIL"s are expected to bear everything no matter what!I dont hav a solution for u..but a good friend allways helps talk with u;r friends..Atleast u;ll feel better.thats wht i do..n when i dnt hav nyone to talk to abt ma problms i just write it all..all my problems in ma diary...n yea i never forgets to tore the page off.My heart goes out to u cos i tottaly understands wht u;r tryin to convey...n tell u one thing dnt let nyone ruin u;r Family...cos tell u Somthing if u fight with u;r husband they win..cos thts wht they want...be patient with u;r Husband.dnt complain..cos if u do he;ll think tht u;r the one who allways complains..(u see inlaws allways plays well..n tht too emotionally..never directly)So dnt let u;r husband be u;r worst Critisizer.Share u;r inlaw prob with u;r friends not u;r husband..cos it allways end up making u look bad.

shruthi10 · Sep 28, 2011

I know they are happy when we fight...will try to make my husband agree to a maid...and wont say anything abt his family anymore....they play their cards well..they know the subtle ways to make him pissed with me...i hope they will get their retribution...

omnam · Sep 28, 2011

Dont he agree for your personal time too! its your right!

Talking of divorce, Dont want maid all of sudden, dont want personal time with you... all because he is been brain washed by your ILs.

Your DH is supporting his sis and mum but they are taking advantage of it.

Your first job is to build the stronger relation with your DH. For that I suggest you to go along with him all time to avoid any kind of discussion (about you) in your absence. I know it will very awkward but you can avoid any fight with your DH later. And I guess he will be happy as you accompany him for visiting his ppl.

Afterwards if you feel that he is changing a bit and u ppl not fighting over those issues. You can very well ask him for personal time at home every alternative weekend.

Hmmm...sad that girls struggle to get personal time with their spouse. You guys are fighting but dont get time and willingness (of DH) to resolve those issues.

Leave about your ILs and maid. They will try to put fuel on fire if they get to know that you ppl are fighting. Dont ever let anybody know that you have some issues. Just show that you are doing good with your DH.

Please dont involve your kids in all that. Play loud music and dance with your kids and let your DH see and make him join ;-). Let others jealous.