1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Conflict with spouse..how to build confidence in a relation?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sadhana, May 3, 2007.

  1. sadhana

    sadhana Guest

    Hi friends,

    I have been married for the past 3 months. My hubby is basically a very good person by heart but believes whatever his mom says is right. My MIL is also a good person and nice to me but a bit possesive abt her son. Because of her natural insecurity like every MIL she keeps intruding b/w us. My hubby and me used to have small conflicts but we also made up and never prolonged it for more that a day, REcently my MIL has started worrying too much abt our conflicts. She has expressed her fears to my husband and becuase of this my hubby has started loosing faith in our relation.
    My hubby now feels irritated in event of an misunderstanding and feels that it better to remain silent. On the other hand I told him that discussion is better than remaining silent and letting unhappiness build up inside. When I asked him how he is able to fight with his mom and forget it and y he is not able to do the same with me he said that he has been with his mom for 25 years. Hence he has the confidence that they can patch up. He also said that I have been with him for only 3 months and hence he does not have that confidence in our relation. He even says that he is afraid our marriage can fail if we fight. I was hurt by this statement because I love him very much and he is not able to realize it. In fact I have never even slept a single night by fighting with him and almost every time I used to say sorry and patch up irrespective of whose mistake it is. I don’t know how to make him understand this.

    Since we stay with in laws, my in laws are able to sense in event of a misunderstanding between us since my hubby does not talk to anyone at that time. Also it is difficult to hide from our in laws abt whatever happens between us because my MIL keeps intruding. Everyone at home now feels that I am the source of the problem even though the mistake would have been with my husband

    I am not able to make him realize that having conflicts is natural in a relation and that only because of his mothers involvement in our issue , it is taken to greater extent. I desperately want to ask him to tell his mom not in involve in this but I am afraid to do so because he will feel I am talking bad abt his mom. This will make him more angry and our relation will get more complicated.


    I want to reinforce in him a confidence abt our relation. Pls help me how I can do so. Also pls let me know if my attitude regarding conflicts is wrong….
     
    Loading...

  2. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,124
    Likes Received:
    234
    Trophy Points:
    153
    Gender:
    Female
    dear sadhana,
    ur story reminds me of one i set example in my life, u remember the train journey, that is if u hve travelled with no reservations, u will find people huddle up together and will not share a seat, but if u r silent and stand still,after a few stations atleast u will find someone offering u a small space to sit in the edge, and once the time moves and u either offer some snacks or magazine.
    slowly u find people accomodating and start enquiring abt u, and u will not be surprised by the end of the journey u have made very good friends of them, like wise as we have spoken many a time in this forum abt the insecurities of woman.
    mother is scared that the son might not want her anymore, for no reason at all, u may not be the cause, but these are all teething problems, just take it calm and always analyse y the person on the opposite end is speaking the way they do for no cause at all, and come to conclusion, dont tell them though, keep quite and when u get ur husband in a nice mood slowly place ur case, or even better write small slip for him to see, with always ending with i always love u...hope been of help, regards sunkan
     
  3. cheer

    cheer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    918
    Likes Received:
    38
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Sadhana,

    It was really sad to hear that, one of my friend also faced the same problem after her marriage, her MIL told her son to divorce her, how mean sometime MIL's u never know.

    But after a couple of years becoz of her lots of patience, he started to understand her & then she planned the baby & afterwards everything goes fine. I Advice u don't fight with ur hubby if it's his fault also, keep patience, try to show ur love to him, make his fav dishes & try to plan for a baby. Sometime child brings lots of happiness with them.

    Don't take it too seriously or worry too much, try to solve the problem with cool mind.

    All the best,
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2007
  4. manisha13

    manisha13 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    hi sadhna
    i have been married since last 3 yrs,what i have learnt is that the first few months of marriage are really important and would say difficult,once these are over everything wud be fine,just try and keep your cool,as sunkan said, and try to resolve the issues after you both are in good mood.
    when i got married we used to have disagreements over petty things,but as u and ur relationship grows older and matured,things starts to ease down.
    just try and understand ur husband's position,as he is been living with his mother since 25 yrs,also try and make him realise that u have left ur family and from now onwards his family is yours,i m sure he will feel it.
    i hope this experience of mine would be heplful.......manisha:)
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2007
  5. Lavanya

    Lavanya Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    785
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    The 1st year of married life is really hard. The 2nd year seems harder, but after 2 years heck you don't care about all these petty things anymore. :2thumbsup:

    It is easy for others to tell you to be patient & keep calm, unfortunately that's the mantra for this period of your life. Growing old together makes things a bit more easier. When you start out, you have to realize that both of you have already grown up with more than 2 decades worth of ideals & beliefs, so it is very difficult to conform to the spouse's standard. Eventually people discover its easier to accept others as they are than try to convert them if that's really not necessary. Also as time goes on your expectations of perfection decrease in a sense & you are more tolerant. Your issues can be exacerbated on account of parental support for your spouse but hold on & hang in there & you'll see dawn too. Unfortunately you'll not be the last one to experience this...
     
  6. kasisheela

    kasisheela Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    202
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    50
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Sadhana,

    I got married ten months before and i too faced the same kind of problem initially.But now after ten months i dont face any such problem my life is full of new blossoms and am enjoying each moment of my life.

    One thing i can tell u is three months time is too short to understand about a person.Only good understanding can minimise your problem.Jus wait patiently and start observing things about ur husband keenly.U try to know about all his likes,dislikes his views about different things.tell to your Mother inlaw frankly and openly that her son is always hers. once the possessiveness fear is gone from your mother in law,she will start supporting u in all the conflicts between u and ur husband.once relationship between u and ur mother in law is close ur husband will take u as a gift to his family and will start listen and respect ur views in all conversations ahead.As time passes by these conflicts wil fade up and ur married life will be full of blossoms.

    A plant which is taken and planted in a new place will take time to fit there and start blossom.Same is the case with girls like us.It may take time to understand the new place but our patience in observing and understanding will gain recognition in that place.

    All the best wishes for a very happy married life.

    These are my views hope they are of some use to you.

    Reg,
    Shantha Kasiarunachalam
     
  7. So Sure

    So Sure Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    hi Sadhana,
    3 months is a little too soon to argue with your husband. You have the whole lifetime. why hurry?
    Get to know ur husband thru' ur MIL. She knows him best. After all she gave him life... brought him up.. made him the man u wanted to marry! Ask her how to take care of him... or what his likes and dislikes were as a child. Even before she involves, u invite her and ask her opinion. Do accordingly. If she is cool... ur husband is cool and ur life will be easy.
    regards,
    Sharada
     
  8. sunikrishnan4u

    sunikrishnan4u New IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    I am married for 16 months, and in the beginning I was also like this. Though we were engaged for almost 6 months, and was thinking that we knew each other pretty well, its only after the marriage and as they say, after 'living under one roof' we come to know more about the person and their family. In the beginning I felt really left out, no one is considering me and my likes and dislikes etc. My MIL even complained to my mother that if I am going to be like this, her complaint was I dont look after her son properly, then its gonna create lots of probems later, as my husband is known as a very hot headed person.
    Needless to say, i was really worried and shocked, it was the first ttime some one is complaining about me. But I din say this to my husband, though I was clearly upset, I was afraid that I cant complain about his mother, becos if some one, even my husband complain about my mother, i wont take that easily. I have some great frinds, whom I am confident about, I shared my frustration with them. And then we came to US, I started taking care of the house, and even when my MIL complained about me, I was really confident that I can handle any responsibility, and i can always rise to the occassion. Nonetheless, my relationship with my hubby also improved humangusouly, and also with in- laws, they are confident about me, they say this to my mother every now and then. my mother is really proud of me now :). they are really a great support for me. I also make it a point that I always show and express my love and gratitude to them. As above said, you shud also consider your In laws as your second parents, becos they are very important in your hubbys life and hes very important in your life. Your thought of not complaining about your MIL to your husband is right I guess. Its only a matter of time. For me, the love comes from more understanding, which will take time. Now I can say that, I dont even want to stay away from my hubby even for a day.
    So I think dont push your self, try to stay calm, even if some conflicts araise, give it some time, sleep over it. And then talk to your hubby, when both of you are calm, and also when hes in a mood to listen. And do care about your MIl, show her that you love her, try to make conversations with her. After sometime, you can even try to explain to her playfully why you had a fight with your husband, for what reason. Be confident in yourself.
    Take care of your self.
     
    6 people like this.

Share This Page