Confessions of an erstwhile momma's boy

I still think that your mother had NO role to play in the transfer of the asset, so I fail to see why you would blame her for 'creating problems' for you. If you had to travel to India to facilitate the transfer, then it begs the question why your brother - with whom you claim to have a decent relationship - would not work with you in transferring title to the apartment. The REAL blame lies with your brother, not with your mother. Even if she did not approve of this, she had no real power to prevent / stop this asset transfer at all, as you are claiming that she could. Your blaming is misplaced.

Secondly, your wife has no right / say on how your premarital assets are titled / being used. Her demanding that her in-laws vacate the apartment sounds as particularly harsh. This was between you and your brother, so how or why your wife or mother would get into fights over this is beyond me - you could have easily done the whole thing without your mother's knowledge, so your wife wouldn't have gone into a tiff over your PRE-MARITAL assets and further worsened relationships by demanding that your mother vacate the premises.

Did you explain this to your mother? Your wife's expectation was not unreasonable but how was this put forth to your mother? Did you tell her that the money would be reduced because you are planning to start a family and improve the quality of your life here, or did you simply tell her something like, 'Oh, my wife has a problem with me sending you money, so henceforth, you will get a smaller amount each month?'

ONE person has to give in???? I thought that marriage was about two people and about give-and-take. One person - whether husband or wife - cannot take all the time while the other gives in all the time, too.

Your use of the word Mommy is interesting. Anyway, I did not say that sons are a source of unlimited funds. Are you currently being such a source? No? Then why do you act as if you are?? If you had problems with your family life, especially given your mother-wife dynamics, then you really had only two options. Ask for HER mother's help or handle this yourselves. Or look for another nanny / daycare center. Why you would want to ask your mother is beyond me. Think about it from your mother's perspective. She knows that her DIL hates her. Then, why on Earth would she sign up to be at DIL's house for 6 months (or whatever)? She would trapped in an alien land, with a woman who dislikes her abjectly and a son who believes in 'giving in to his wife' to keep marital peace, and forced to slog and manage a small child on her own. Why would she do anything like that? That would be just like asking for trouble. If you ask me, then your mother was the smart one here. She avoided a lot of problems by refusing to come. Far too many MILs don't have that foresight, land in son's house, and spend six whole months driving themselves AND their DILs crazy.

Man, the old woman is damned if she does and damned if she does not. She does not share traditions and customs with your wife and that is a crime. Then, she starts sharing her traditions and beliefs with your wife and THAT is a crime, too. What was she supposed to do???

They are normal to a marriage inasmuch as they are blamed on the partners themselves and not to an external third party. If you had a love marriage and were AWARE of your incompatibilities, then why would you marry in the first place?

SO? Either way, it wasn't as if your mother purposefully did something physical to cause your wife to lose your baby. She was already under tons of stress as you previously mention - immigration status forcing her to work, a child not thriving, difficulties with child-care arrangements etc. These issues are not your mother's making. Please. These are issues that plague many parents who live abroad and issues that your wife should have considered before thinking of having another child.

Think about it. Who's to say - given their terrible relationship - that she would not have been MORE stressed if your mother HAD come? Then, she would have complained that your mother made her life a living hell when she was pregnant, already stressed etc etc etc. Your mother really seems to be damned if she does and damned if she does not!

Was there pressure from your side for her approval? Would you have not married your wife if she had been dissatisfied? Or would you have married ONLY your wife and would have gone against your mother even if she had disapproved??? If so, then she might have pressurized to save face and to accept your wife even if her heart was against the alliance. Naturally, the resentment that her son went against her wishes might rankle.

Furthermore, she is an elderly lady. Sub-sects etc might be a small thing for you, but it is a big deal for people of our parents' generation. While she was certainly wrong to compare the two DILs, how you handled her when she approached you for her approval might have made a huge difference in her life.

Not fair at all.

Boss, your are supporting your elderly mother because it is your duty, not because you expect that she would act like a maid at your home if / when you tell her to! I send money to MY parents whenever I can. Does it mean that I can expect them to just drop everything at the drop of a hat and to come running to my house at the lift of my little finger, and regardless of their relationship dynamics with my husband???

Your mother wants to keep her distance from your wife - and that was the smart decision on her part. It would have been worse if she had taken you up on your offer, then landed and got into fights every day with your wife, especially when your wife was pregnant. Also, how you ask your mother for help is important. If you made it sound like you are ENTITLED to her help just because you are sending her mother, then she might have felt insulted. Wouldn't you feel insulted if someone expected you to work at their home at will just because they have sent you money?

Then why are you complaining that she did not show up at such a critical time in your wife's pregnancy???? Wasn't it for the best that your mother did NOT come? Yes, she has no right to interfere in your life and to control you, and it's good that you finally put a stop to the interference. But I really think that she is NOT the only one to blame in this whole fiasco.

I am a third party and have nothing to gain / lose from your family dynamics. All I'm urging you to do is to look at the issue from the other side of the fence. It takes two to tango. Issues are RARELY due to the bad behavior of just one person. And, given what you tell of your wife and her personality, and given your own personality, you should each (your mother included) examine your respective roles to see how each of you contributed to your marital mess. Since your mother is now out of the picture, your marriage seems to have been improved to some extent. But give it time. And never ever play the blame game again. None of us is truly, 100%, innocent.

 

Malyatha,One question to you .Do you have a Sister-in-law.

 

Jay,
I would like to tell one thing about your wife's whole miscarriage episode.. It is very painful to go through it.. But would it have been better if your wife took precaution not to get pregnant.. Given her bitter relation with MIL, immigration status issues, a small toddler.. Amidst those problems, it was not correct on your part to go for a second child.. Because i have experienced it in my own life that how tough it is to manage a child and a job. I know men won't feel much of the heat.. i struggled very hard to keep my job and takecare of the baby.. My own mother used to babysit.. But when my child learnt to walk, my mother simply couldn't keep pace.. So that is not her fault.. My child is my responsibilty and not my mother's.. So i had no other option but to quit my job.. Child rearing does conflict with a woman's career.. Given that, though i love children very much, i'd not want to go for a second child..
I know i wouldn't get much help from my in-laws either..
so, it would be wiser to go for a second child only when your wife is fully capable of taking care of the child without getting stressed.. JMO

 

JayYou are right! If they cant be cordial to each other then its better for them not to speak to each other till absolutely neccessary. Keep both things separate. Its sad to see that your mom is already at risk of losing a son. Usually grandparents are crzy about their grandkids. They dont care if they have to look after a newborn. I mean the moment you see the tiny toes and fingers you tend to forget about other things. they may hate their DIL's but they usually dont mind looking after their grandchild. I find that very strange that your mom doesnt want to take care of it. But her being here will only cause more problems. So its better that she doesnt come. She can come for your daughters 1st bdday. The reason shes seemingly nice to your brother is because she knows hes her last resort. She knows that with you she has messed things up pretty bad. If she messes it up with her younger son she will have no place to go. so she is seemingly nice about him. Maybe she finds it hard to accept that you no longer listen to her rantings as you did previously and is finidg it hard to accept the changes. She will take some time to see that you really mean it this time. Dont take stress. Many indian parents are like that. you do million things for them and you dont do one thing for them, they keep harping on it. they tend to hold a grudge for that for a long time. Its close to asking to pay dues because they raised you. They are our responsibility but nevertheless have to set their limits...For some reason all their anger are directed towards the DIL.. Dont know why!...I guess insecurity that their son actually likes someone else besides them.Drama!

 

Jay,

Your family situation is so much like mine. I was simply laughing at the senior citizens home threat from your mom. She is so like my MIL. My DH is younger son, he has an elder bro and younger sis. Since he was earning more than my BIL, he took care of lots of family expenses, actually now our savings are far less than they could have been. Even myself and DH are constantly compared with BIL/cosis and found wanting. My MIL also gives more weightage to elder son's opinions because 1) he is used to taking care of responsibilities(not financial) more than my DH 2) she stays with him. I have no issues with that. She is far more interested in their lives and somewhat indifferent to ours. I made my peace with that and dont care much.

Even when my DD was born after a long time of my marriage, the same people who would be back of me saying unfairly that I do not care much about BIL/SIL kids citing blood ties now dont bother much about the same blood ties.

I generally avoid talking too much about my MIL nowadays to my DH. Because he was very disillusioned with her behaviour during my long awaited pregnancy. I did not want him to get too unhappy . It is easy for me to digest but as a son, it is far more difficult for him to accept that she could not care less about his kids.

Anyway I dont have too many complaints with my DH. He is aware of his mother's shortcomings but still tries to defend her as she is his mother . He supported me silently whenever necessary also supported his mother whenever necessary.

Jay, your mother is also a human being. It is your mistake that you put her on a pedastal and now are unable to digest the feet of clay. Actually I support some of Malyatha's points after seeing my mom's struggles with deliveries. Many of my relatives dont like going to US to look after their daughter's babies also because at their age, they find it difficult to make all those adjustments.

Instead of brooding on all the mistakes your mom did, may be you should just let it go and take care that you do not let anybody interfere in your marital issues again. My DH does the same. He knows about his mother very well , he forgives her faults but does not give decision making to her. Generally in our house, she is also treated like another kid. You should learn that.

JMO.

 

Jay,

To err is human. But brave is the one who really accepts his mistakes and realizes them. So kudos to you.

It's not easy to regain the lost trust but it's not impossible either. So you need to give enough time to your wife. There is no specific time limit for it. So continue to shower your love and care for her until then. This is the time for both of you to be happy and healthy to welcome the new born into your life.

About your mom, it's sad that own mothers take away peace and happiness from their child's life. I guess you are aware that you along with your mom are responsible for the situation. It's very difficult to change her attitude or make her realize her mistakes at this age. So just maintain your distance for the sanity of your family. Do not develop any hatred or grudge against her. That will only make you weak.

Good luck and God bless your family.

 

Ok.. Jay , i wish you and your family good luck.. Hope you lead a happy and peaceful life with your wife and children leaving the past behind..