Confessions of a Buck-Passer : I was once a lean girl who was in her perfect ideal weight.. It remained the same till I finished my college.. My mom shouldered the responsibility of what I should eat.. Eating non-veg food was once a week occurrence.. Junk foods were limited to the occasional Little Hearts biscuit packs.. I will be outdoors playing games all day long with my cousin and have completely worked out my body when the weekend gets over.. Things changed when I took up my software job in another city.. I was so ecstatic when I got my first salary credited to the bank account.. A steady job, fair pay check, new make-over, fully updated wardrobe, sassy friends and what not.. I felt that as the phase where the ugly duckling has its transformation of becoming a beautiful swan.. I worked hard and partied harder.. I was thoroughly enjoying my new found freedom and took full advantage of it.. Emptying a party pack of Lays in few seconds became no big deal.. Pizza’s became an equivalent to the dosas made by mom.. I turned to a junkie.. Every night, I finish my day off with a big cup of ice cream like it’s normal.. I slowly piled up on weight and didn’t even notice that in first place.. I was taken aback when I happily hopped on a weighing machine at my friends place and it displayed sixty kilos.. How could I put on ten kilos in few months.. Ha, not possible.. The machine must be broken.. I shifted the blame on the poor honest helpless weighing scale.. It started there.. How easy it would have been for me if I had opened my eyes and realized what I’m doing wrong and changed my ways.. Ten kilos could have been dropped easily.. But I just turned a blind eye and continued with my bad food habits.. One may ask how I could have not felt that.. My dresses would have said the truth.. Trust me.. The one thing am thankful to my body was the weight got spread all over my body and not in few spots.. So the dresses mainly of Kurtis and stretchable leggings accommodated me snugly.. Days went on and this nagging feeling of the weight I saw kept resurfaced in my mind.. So I went and checked my weight in a clinic nearby.. Bam.. The Same.. Not the same as fifty.. It was the same as sixty.. Actually the needle was tipped a little further to sixty.. I blamed it on the clinic who still owns Analog scale.. If it's a digital one it will show sixty only.. I convinced myself.. I settled for sixty comfortably now and thought it’s a better number than sixty plus.. You think I got myself registered in a gym?? Started doing some diet?? Bought a pair of Yoga pants?? I wasn’t smart enough to do even a fad like the GM diet.. I went to a famous weight loss product dealer.. I was panicking and tried to find a painless short cut to shed the pounds I have acquired recently.. I was totally awed by the way they explained how their product works like a miracle and make your fat disappear like a magicians’ wand.. I was fascinated by the before and after pictures they shown.. I made a hefty purchase of Protein shakes, tablets, tea packets whatever they had and listened to their usage demo like Pluto would have listened to Socrates.. When I was leaving their premises, I was totally thinking how I managed to survive twenty three years of my life without this elixir.. I did what they asked me to.. At least I was honest there.. I was not ready to make clean eating habits but I was ready to exert my body with only protein shakes and vile tasting teas and stinking pills.. I had no energy, I was always nurturing a headache in the back of my head and I dint even shed few grams.. Instead I kept bulked on.. I was living with my brother but we both ran in different circles to interfere in each other’s life.. By God’s grace he found my hidden stash of all the containers and got angry at me for the first time and dumped everything in garbage bin.. He said if you want to lose weight go and sweat it out.. He bought me a treadmill the next day and I used it diligently every single day.. To hang my clothes dry.. I shifted the blame on the lying cheating product and how boring is to walk indoors.. You think my eyes have opened this time? Nope.. I started upgrading my wardrobe.. M to L.. L to Xl.. Xl to Xxl.. I learnt to buy clothes which gave me the look of a girl with nice curves.. But my mom was smart enough to take me to a doctor.. When I said how I gained so much weight in little time, he asked me to take a thyroid test.. One look at the report, the doctor said Hypothyroidism.. Here, take 25 mcg.. For the rest of your life.. I should be worried right.. I was actually.. At first, why should I get such a disease that makes me to be on pill for my whole life.. What I did to deserve such a punishment from God.. My thoughts were along that line.. And to make myself clear, I still haven’t changed my eating ways.. I became an emotional eater who binges on food for all the wrong reasons.. My love life was going strong and unfortunately my boy friend was the type of guy who will say you are my prettiest hulk even if I stand in some two hundred kilos.. So I didn’t get any moment of wisdom from his side too.. My periods got skipped.. So I went to another lady doctor.. She put me on contraceptive pills to make my periods regular.. Good job.. My weight went on crazy.. I stand at more than seventy kilos now.. By this time I started loving the words Hypothyroid and PCOS.. They were my lovely scapegoats.. So whenever someone comment about my increasing weight I’ll simply shut them up by saying it’s very difficult to lose weight with these two disorders.. I shielded myself behind them and thought they owe me that much for staying as parasites in my body.. Our marriage date got fixed.. I was filled out equally in all places so I wasn’t body shamed.. I was able to pull off the pretty bride look with cleverly selected and designed attires.. I started doing GM diet at the neck of the moment.. Marriage blues.. Work stress.. Roaming the city to buy stuffs.. Made me lose a little weight and saved me from not gaining more.. Marriage life came with its own package.. Universal MIL-DIL problems and family stress added to the existing lot.. At this point I was taking 75 mcg of thyroid medicine.. After an year I suffered my first miscarriage.. I went from seventy range to eighty range.. My second tubal pregnancy threw me at a weight of ninety kilos.. my weight at its peak.. Society : Hey why are you fat.. You were not like this before?? Me : Hey I have thyroid issue, pcos and I suffered two miscarriages.. I used to tell these like they are the proud medals I won in my life.. I feel so ashamed of that now.. I realized procrastination and blame shifting had been my major problems.. If it’s not for that, I would have mended my ways long back.. I decided to let go of the above two scapegoats and concluded it’s high time to take up responsibilities for my mistakes.. I joined IL so I can extract all the motivation from the lovely ladies posting their attempts and success in various threads.. I researched a lot, experimented with my body and made up diet and workout plans which fits and works for me.. When I put efforts, I was able to see the results in front of my eyes.. I lost four kilos in one month.. Instead of feeling buoyant, I was embarrassed.. I was the one who stood between me and losing weight in past.. It wasn’t my medical problems.. It wasn’t the hotel chefs who make yummy foods.. It wasn’t my hubby who buys me all the junk whenever I ask.. It was purely me.. It’s just not only about weight loss.. There are so many things in life we want to happen badly.. We can make them happen if we try honestly.. So stop embracing your favorite scapegoats and start working towards your goal.. Try and try harder.. We will get to the end of the tunnel one day for sure.. Making others responsible for our mistakes is definitely an easy way to stay guilt-free but in the long run it will take us nowhere.. I have realized it so late but I feel it’s better late than never..