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Concept of giving the girl away - Is this the main reason for abuse?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Visu2k, Aug 17, 2010.

  1. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    It takes lot of maturity and independence from a man to think that its ok to live separate from parents. I dont know why some men are very independent and some men are not. A lot is in the upbringing. If men are raised in a family where ample freedom is given to them, then perhaps they will develop their own individuality. If not then perhaps they never will be able to separate wife and their own family. The problem happens when you club together every relationship and are trying to make everyone happy. Since the wife is a new entity there is not sufficent time to achieve that closeness.It will take many years to change it. It all depends on the mom. If she raises the sons to be independent and is secure with the fact that she has a husband to take care of emotional needs then they will stop depending on their sons to do the same. But its a vicious cycle - husbands are not there for wives emotional needs, wives turn to mothers who depend on their sons for their emotional needs and hence starts the vicious cycle.
     
  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I believe the main reason for abuse is with our culture men feel that women doesn't have place to go or she doesn’t leave the house whatever the domination or controlling by husband. It’s not because girl given away. It’s because the Indian society doesn't accept the women who stay away from there husband and also with culture women doesn't raised to stand on there legs and live alone when needed.With the culture the husband gets unanimous power to show on women. They remember all there power only when they have wife.
     
  3. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your well thought responses! It was quite nice to know that most of you think similar to me.

    I think, we all seem to agree that there should not be an expectation of any sort that a girl NEED to live with her in-laws. It should be left to the choice of the girl (as she is the one who needs to make adjustment). It is well and good if she finds living with her in-laws agreeable but there should not be an expectation set on that. Hopefully with more like minded people from our generation this would change in the future.

    As for my own opinion, I wanted a home where we can live with both my parents and in-laws and take care of them in their old age (like Charlie Bukcet's grand parents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). My wife's parents are quite independent and they already have plans for their old age. My wife herself wants a separate family and I don't have problem with that either as I now found it that having my parents nearby serves equally well for all of us. Of course, in the future if I ever feel that my parents need my care, I will definitely bring them along as I feel it is my responsibility as a son. And my wife agrees with me on that.

    Preethi,

    Thanks for your warm regards! My wife is not an avid surfer like I am. Fact is she is a much busier person than I am, as she manages both her career and our home. She reads some of these threads now and then. She likes the balanced responses of people here. I asked her to join here, may be someday she will register herself. :)
     
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    An interesting discussion going on...my opnion...
    Firstly i don't think most women know what they are getting into b4 marriage...I had never seen my parents living with my grandparents...Never knew how things work in joint families.wen my i met my dh for the first time he asked me whether i am ok living in a joint family...i still remember my reply that why not...the way i live with my parents now...i was ok with it...Post marriage i realized my blunder!

    Secondly joint families have changed considerably over the years. Earlier they consisted of big houses and all brothers and their families living under the same roof. One to one interaction with in laws was limited and there were other people in the house with whom the dil could gel with. Now Inlawslive with one son and dil...one to one interaction has increased...as a consequence more tension and fighting. the dil in most cases gets singled out!
     

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