Compromise In Marriage

I know subtle appreciation is never enough. Men and women are wired a lot differently. Our expectations about selves, others- family members, strangers are mostly quite different. So may be that is the root cause of this. I still do not have perfect answer to your question my love. The relationship dynamics is quite complex to understand fully, especially when two beings from mostly different backgrounds come together and decide to live and create a family of their own.

As for society, for a long long time, it has been dominated by one gender. Everything around what works, what doesn't, what needs to be spoken about and what not- used to be decided by men, atleast until the past century. Few new age thinkers, especially women who tried to challenge that got their due in the form of criticism or just plain recognition,in most cases, long after they have gone. I think it is just more convenient ( atleast for men) to not openly talk about appreciation for their women. No wonder most of the time, we women tend to fee taken for granted. We women need to hear, feel, see the active appreciation from our men. That' is what keeps most of us running. Unfortunately, very few men are raised to notice and respond to women's efforts with active appreciation. And when they fail at it, our efforts turn into compromises. But, I think this is changing slowly- rather very slowly. It will take a longgggggggg time to establish this norm though.

 

Hey @blindpup10 ,
Here is how I want to do it-----
First, I am trying to acknowledge and appreciate what I have got with me simultaneously doing the same for my husband. As a would be mom, I am planning to appreciate and acknowledge my child and also want to inculcate this quality in my child by following it in my family and for others. Because, I think children learn more from observation and they pick up a lot from their mom and dad. So if in order to teach to my child, first I need to practice it thoroughly. Although, I do no guarantee that it will produce desired effect on my child but I want to do it because I know the importance of appreciation and acknowledgement .
One of my friends had told me that everyone is fighting the battle here, try not have prejudices and not to hurt them, instead appreciate them.

 

Its been almost 1.5 years since I left my career of the past 10 years. It feels so empty at times, and it makes me feeling jealous about my peers/ex-colleagues who gets a salary hike, promotion, foreign assignment which would have been meant for me had I continued there.
This even disappoints me while going through their FB pages, and specially when I am left out (because I am just an ex-colleague), while they interact more closely as family (office family) with the new colleagues instead.
It may seem childish. But I have invested almost all my energy and efforts in the past 10 years in that office. So, it hurts.

While going through this phase, I naturally expect some solace, understanding or at least some ears to vent from my family. But I realized much lately that no one actually understands what I am going through. Perhaps they may see it as a financial loss, but that isn't my biggest concern here.

I know that I can't cope with this. There is no remedy except for feeling bad. However, the circumstance which forced me to stay at home hasn't fully reversed. So, I have no choice. Accepting the reality is the first help.
Secondly, I have my own life which I cherish about being home. I am not just a home maker. I work part time as a consultant in a more flexible job. It gives me attractive salary, and a new company of colleagues.
Overall I learnt to enjoy what is meant for me right now.

However, I am certain that I can be happy and I can be myself only if I get back to my original career. Getting back to it means competition. It also means more adjustment and flexibility at home front. I am preparing myself at both the ends with a hope that one day (asap) I will get back to there. God is my only hope.

I don't feel bad or hate my family for taking me for granted. They think as per their capacity. We do think the same too. My folks don't know what is to be a career woman because they are not career women themselves. Although some of them work, they just work for the sake of salary in middle/lower positions. They already miss their home, and see me as a mad person to miss the career when I am allowed to take a break.
I can't put sense to their head. But I can only ignore them, which helps me.

 

If the husband and wife maintains a laundry list of things they adjusted for the sake of each other and for the sake of their children, then I think the sum total, over a period, will balance each other. In early phase of marriage, orientation of women in their marital home, guided by social and IL expectation, could make them feel adjusting or compromising a lot while men are continue to enjoy their bachelor kind of life. But, I think, it is only a perception of women, the truth is men are completely saddled by marriage, and it continues till their last breath, keeping their family interests and needs always in front them. There may be some exceptions, but exceptions do not make a rule.

My own observation is, women do look for bating at the back for every small thing that is often eclipsed at the summary level thinking of men resulting in feeling of no appreciation for them. The memory about things of past, expression of emotions are always at coarse or summary level for men, they are wired like that, they can never match up to the finer levels of expression or detailing or recalling by women - it is like a man calling red as red, a woman differentiating it as cherry red, ruby red, scarlet red and so on. Just because men are not as expressive as women, their adjustment/compromise whatever you call it, are less than that of women.

Yes, in things like giving up career even if it is temporary due to new born, it sound like great compromise initially but over period, it could make her feel more a complete woman, without the pain of compromising great period of motherhood, once she picked-up the career again.

By the way, giving up career as a choice, is available only for women, therefore it should not be counted in the list of compromise/adjustment a spouse make