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Compromise In Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blindpup10, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    I personally dislike the word compromise wrt a marriage. (Don't even get me started on '"sacrifice"!)

    I'm not sure how many men and women appreciate what they get easily. So if one person tacitly compromises and is under-appreciated for it, the could start to feel very put upon, as the other person tramples and trundles over with out understanding what the other is going through.

    Over the years my methods of dealing with stuff has changed enough for me to be happy and maintain harmony in the household. If I am to give something up, I make sure I mention that I've decided not to fight this battle. And DH is trained to say, "much appreciated".

    Everything is simply evaluated on how much it really matters to me - as an individual - and how much I actually can let go.
    Somethings simply don't matter and I don't even mention them. Since they don't matter they don't even blip on my radar.
    Somethings are non negotiable and I make it as clear as possible - in a non-confrontational way as much as possible; if not, I could be confrontational as the idiomatic fishwife!
    Everything inbetween has to be sorted fairly on a case by case basis.

    It works for now.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Personally I am a very flexible person. I can fit into any situation, and be happy myself with certain natural/known compromises. I wouldn't consider them as compromises though. In fact, that's how I face this life and that's what makes my life smooth and steady.
    However, there are certain things they are non-negotiable in my life. Such as my religion, certain practices etc... Being in an inter religious marriage, it has always been a hot topic when it comes to certain compromises. I am happy that I have always said no, if it means no to me.

    My career was one such non-negotiable thing though. But with some unexpected turns and twists in our family after the birth of my second kid, I was forced to compromise on my career. Neither my H nor other family members forced me, but the circumstances which I struggled to cope those days made me accept these compromises half-heartedly.

    Sadly no one noticed my pain, my struggle and my sacrifices. Not even my own mom. I was taken for granted, and my compromises were accepted as part of a must-to-do item in any mom's list.

    I am working hardly to get back to my career, and start living with it.

    The lesson learnt is... If you can't compromise, you can't compromise. Period. If you force yourself to any compromises, just because your peers or parents did it, then your life will never be the same ever again.

    But there are certain things that you can compromise. I have compromised a lot of them. But I hardly recognize them or remember them now. It means, they don't matter in my life anymore.
     
  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Avanti30-
    Good point in mentioning about raising the children to acknowledge/ appreciate and listen. My question is—How can we induce this in children? What are your thoughts about parents teaching to appreciate parents compromises/ efforts?
     
    Avanti30 likes this.
  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Ragini25 -I agree with your thought process that compromise is an essential key in the marriage. Like you have mentions I agree… at times the man may compromise or woman in the relationship to be successful.
    When is it not ok to compromise? What is a distinct line between compromises turning into the sacrifice?
     
  5. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @blessings1010 -Good post. Appreciate you for sharing.

    From your post, I can understand that subtly men do get that the partners are compromising for the betterment of the family. They also appreciate subtly (previous generation).

    Appreciating by bringing coffee/ or making dinner once in awhile. That appreciation shown to the woman in balancing the family.
    Is this enough? I know this works for some couples- why isn’t appreciation/ compromise more openly talked about in Indian society?

     
  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV- Appreciate your response. Yes, I can clearly relate to your post that certain compromise just happens without second thought and certain things are a big NO. I truly appreciate the honesty in your post .. that you felt being taken for granted- how did you cope? Getting back to your career make that feeling go away? Does the feeling ever go away of being taken for granted?
     
  7. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    My question to this thread after reading response is--
    There are tons and tons of stories/ movies- showing how poverty stricken mother would give the last bite of food to her child. Where is the father.. why does our society not shed light on father’s compromise or sacrifice?

    Do men actually compromise or does Indian society actually turn away from men’s compromise.. coming across as men don’t compromise?
     
  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @guesshoo- Thanks for emphasizing that communicating about the compromises helps for the partner to understand better or appreciate. It's a good start when the partner's effort are taken into consideration and appreciated and valued.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    They call it sacrifice :cool:.No doubt they have sacrificed a lot but not talk about it?????:eek:
    :rolleyes:A lot of our elders have used these sacrifices as emotional blackmail to control their children and their lives.I think it has almost become an art form.
    The reference to the nine month in the womb,the staying awake at night,the suckling on her breast etc are legendary.

    As for the topic....any adjustment that gives you satisfaction or peace or even helps you go about life in a better way is not compromise. To me, compromises are things you do against your hearts wish ...things you do not have a say in.

    Personally,I can't think of any compromises I made in life.We both made changes that helped us deal with life more smoothly.
     
    songbird46, Rihana, guesshoo and 3 others like this.
  10. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    You got it perfect @yellowmango , :worship2::worship2:
    Oh my, the legendary list of compromises made by MILs gets never ending. At times, they throw in totally insane compromise in that list- some may not even be true. IT is a sure shot weapon of MILs to win any argument and take their boys on a guilt trip.
     
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