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Compromise In Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blindpup10, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I have been thinking for awhile now- after I posted a heartfelt experience of how I changed from tomboyish chic to SAHM!!
    And the advice I gave was for the girl to compromise/ tips on how to handle the situation.

    Although my post looked happy, rosy, successful SAHM! I can't believe I have changed so much... coz when I walk down the memory lane. I see myself being so different, so bold, so assertive in what I want, nobody took me for granted.
    I am not saying I am being taken for granted now or not being assertive enough. I am saying that I didn't compromise when I was single... But after marriage Compromising is my second nature.

    My mother who recently saw me being a SAHM was shocked (coz she didn’t instill many things in our family) how I have embraced and been successfully managing this role. The one thing she was very surprised is how much dependant my DH is on me emotionally/ how efficiently the house runs.


    Yes, there are certain aspects that I haven’t changed and certain things my DH is still trying to instill in me. Things that I have adopted into my personality and changed. I am sure my DH has also compromised certain things for this relationship to work.


    I started to question myself- Is a good marriage just about--COMPROMISE

    To what extent one compromises in a marriage ? or to what extent should one compromise in a marriage? ( including IL's baggage)

    What should one expect their partners to compromise about and what is asking them way too much? Is there a standard that gets validated ?

    Do these compromises in long term come across as sacrifices ?
    Or
    Not able to be accepted as who you are by your partner?

    How have you as a male/ female in the relationship have compromised without feeling that you are giving too much into your partner or marriage?

    What do Men compromise about in a marriage?

    Note - The purpose of this thread is purely to create a meaningful, constructive discussion.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2016
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Some of what you call as compromises have been routinely (and without grudging) been done by our parents' generation (some exceptions aside), and have been done for the happiness of the family entity. They dont even view or talk about it as compromise. In our generation - there is lot more "analysis" of it. The best way to not compromise is to live a single life, but however that has its own compromises in life.

    TO what extent - each couple varies, I know couples where the woman has compromised a lot but does not view it as a burden or "sacrifice". Happily does it. So depends on couple to couple and as long as you are not harboring ill feeling, or not doing it with a grudge about it, then its fine.
     
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  3. Avanti30

    Avanti30 Gold IL'ite

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    Hey @blindpup10 ,
    I could relate to your post too. Even I have seen some of these changes in me from an independent girl to stay at home girl. This transition, I believe, is sometimes like cutting your own wings from spreading wide and flying high. So yes I think Marriage is a compromise.
    But I also see some good in my compromise. Like, after coming to the US we actually started to know each other- me and my husband. Otherwise, it was always more about in-laws, MIL's ego getting hurt, her lashing, the festivals, all ideal behavior. When we were living with in-laws I had decided to focus on my job only and not pick any home battles though it hurt a lot.
    About extent of compromise, I think if I can handle 40% of compromise I should compromise only 30%. This is because no one is going to honor your compromise, including your partner and we start expecting the same from others if we do more compromise always.
     
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  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Ragini for your input.
    So you are saying Compromising becomes the second nature of any marriage.
    Even if compromising is from a man or his wife...
    or
    just that wife compromises without expecting things to change for the sake of sanity and peace?
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2016
  5. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is exactly what is worrying me... Do men notice compromises from their partners? Appreciate the compromise? Or is it taken for granted that Wife/ women HAVE to compromise- coz of the society, divorce/ keeping peace at home/ sake of children.
     
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  6. Avanti30

    Avanti30 Gold IL'ite

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    No I don't think men do notice the compromises from their partners. Ideally, I believe that marriage is a compromise by a man and a woman, but it is interesting to note how men do not notice the compromise from their partners. I am going by the logic that one who does the compromise knows how it feels, so he or she should atleast acknowledge or appreciate the compromise done by others. But it does not happen. Acknowledgement, appreciation is always lacked and that is why others feel the mounting pressure of doing it all by himself or herself.
    We have always seen our mothers, grand-mothers doing the compromises and we do the same for our families but it is not acknowledged, instead it is seen as "So what is the big deal in that ?"
    So I think what remains in our hands is not to make compromise as a habit, because when it forms a habit it is always taken for granted.
    I have seen compromises made by my mother and also heard about the compromises made by MIL. I see that they have not been appreciated at any stages which filled both of them with bitterness. I believe a woman is what you give, offer her, if you love her she will love you back if you feed her resentment and ignorance she will give you back the same.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2016
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  7. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Well said @Avanti30 - Men don't see our compromises or do they care. Indian women are all told how women in DH's family or her own family or even random women sacrifices for her family sake and it is almost taken for granted, that a married woman should or WILL compromise no matter what!
    Why this attitude... is it just Indian society or does it prevail in Western women too?-- No, this question is not directed to Avnati.. just in general.
    You are right... Women have to compromise less and when they are compromising I think women should communicate how difficult/ hurdle / going out of the zone to accommodate her DH or life situation is from her POV.
     
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  8. Avanti30

    Avanti30 Gold IL'ite

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    @blindpup10 ,
    I completely agree with your point- "Women have to compromise less and when they are compromising I think women should communicate how difficult/ hurdle / going out of the zone to accommodate her DH or life situation is from her POV."
    Let us practice this, and raise our children to learn to appreciate, acknowledge, listen to others
     
  9. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Compromises are indeed a part of any marriage. The extent varies, and while typically the woman does a bit more of it in "Indian marriage", sometimes the reverse is true too. And sometimes one gender does it for some years, and then later the other spouse does it - so in the long run, both do, but these vary a lot based on the dynamics of the couples/extended-family.
     
  10. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    OH boy, quite heavy questions here. Let me take a stab at answering. This is what I think- not proven by any studies whatsoever though. So I have only few close examples to support my answers.

    Do men notice compromises from their partners?

    I would like to think that they do notice the compromises. Then again, is the definition of compromise same for a man and a woman in a relationship? IF they are not on the same page because of different family background/ upbringing, then it is a different issue altogether. But I would say that some spouses especially those who are equally educated or successful like their better halves would definitely notice the adjustments (not the compromise)

    Appreciate the compromise?
    Depends on the dynamics of a relationship. Some people show verbal appreciation, some like to take a different stand on it. Like in my parent's time, mom was already settled in career while dad was pursuing studies. They got engaged to be married and mum had to wait for 3 years before marriage. Compromise? Naah- temporary adjustment. Mom's 2 younger sis got married before her. She spent every dime she earned in getting a plot of her first house. did dad appreciate that? verbally never. Subtly, many a times. He is more proud of my mum than anyone in his whole khandan. Did mum complain about it? I never heard her complain (atleast never in front of us). Was she happy doing that? I think not ( atleast not the waiting time). But does she feel good about doing it? 100% Does she expect appreciation from dad? of course she does. Does she get it often? no, dad will move the mountain for her but never say anything appreciative directly to her. That's the relationship dynamics. Ditto with granny and grandpa.

    Fast forward, in current times. We do a lot of adjustments to bring balance in the family. Some adjustments are done voluntarily like taking a complete break from outside work to raise kids, while some are forced upon. If these adjustments are agreed upon and worked upon by both, there should be no place for resentment and/or expectation. In this time and age, both partners have to adjust to bring some balance in life, especially if both are going outside to earn the wages for family. So when a husband makes a morning coffee for wife while she is getting ready for work and making kids ready for school, a simple smile and a kiss from her is an appreciation for husband. When he gets her car serviced on a weekend instead of joining his buddies for game, she making his fav food and drink is an appreciation she has for him.

    Or is it taken for granted that Wife/ women HAVE to compromise- coz of the society, divorce/ keeping peace at home/ sake of children.
    Unfortunately, most of the society is hard wired to think this way.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2016
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