Completely stop talking to in-laws? Implications?

I was in same boat , as monita, my SILs gang up against me, most of the times we meet. I try to be formal & impersonal with them ,when ever I visit them in India , but they drag the conversation into personal , they end it up crying and complaining to my husband , that I insulted them.

Now , my husband is so scared to pass the phone to me after he is done talking to his sisters.Last time he called his sister on new years day , she asked for me , if I am around. He gave me phone, I was very formal and brief. As soon as she started the routine ( her problems ) , I asked her to pass the phone to her daughter ( my husband's niece ).I was very formal with the girl about how her health is ( she is pregnant ) , ended the call .

The other SIL , didn't ask for me , when H called to wish her "new year". , he didn't pass the phone to me. So , I was relieved .

If I involve in a conversation , I am insulting them,
If , I am brief , I don't get along well with them.........
this is how it has been for the last 25 years of my marriage.

My husband is quite neutral , he tries to play safe with both sides.

So, I try to copy him , try to play safe ........

1. don't complain to him ' why they are hostile to me " .........
2. be highly alert when , I meet my SIL's and their kids....( they are in U.S. now )
3. go with my H , when he visits his niece and nephew in U.S. but , just hi & bye.

My H made it clear , for some reason , his mother doesn't like me, so her daughters follow her , now her grand children follow.........

I question my self , why can't my sil s have their own brain ?
My MIL is old generation lady ,SIls should be a little more practical ,
and the kids are 3rd generation , they are american educated , still they hold same feelings on me ,as
their mom and grand ma .
they should have their own perspective of me , not what their mom and grand ma hold against me ?

I try to be in touch with my Husband's niece and nephew on face book , they just ignore me.

My kids ( both are teenagers ) have their own perspective on any given issue ,
be it a family issue or national issues ,
I can not influence them , under any circumstances...... and , I am proud of them....

same time , I feel , my image and goodwill is being damaged in the 3rd generation of Husband's family.....

My daughter told me last night , mom , just give up , you tried enough.You can not win their
( 3rd generation ) trust..............as long as they can not see things with their own eyes..........

 

dear nskssp,

If you completely stop talking to Ils it would be an awkward situation to your husband.
So , I think , you should continue acting ........that's what I am doing for the last 25 years of my marriage, to save my husband.

Marriage is a Package deal....................

Look at the Politicians , learn acting .........................

 

LOL!!!!!!!!!Very true.

 

Lol. That's a good line, Anikha. Yes, I believe faking, lying and acting works big time.
I am wondering why acting for 25 yrs hasn't worked for you. Just curious.

 

I have unofficially 'divorced' my inlaws. After the initial years of acting, i did not feel good from inside. Why should i even take the pain of 'acting' to people who did not care/give basic respect to me. I have developed as a strong character now and do not yield quickly. Hubby used to force me sometimes to talk to them (on phone,as they are in India) but i dont want to waste that time and energy. I told my dh that there is no loss to the world if me and his parents do not patch up. On the other hand, i told him if he wants peace at home, he should not force me...but i treated his parents very well when they visited us in US and dh says he owes it to me. Though i had bitter memories of past, i did not let that affect me. If they are cheapo-minded, i dont want to be the same, I have some dignity.
It is so strange that when they visited us, they would talk only with dh and minimal with my kids and absolutely nothing with me ,even though in the afternoons after hubby left, i used to be at home with inlaws. I behaved like the queen of the house ,did not get intimidated nor followed their foolish demands.

I feel with the disconnect during previous years, my marriage has improved and i could focus on positive thinking in life. So all the girls there in the same boat, give it a try ! It is worth your peace of mind (cannot say marriage though)

 

Anikha.. this sounds so much similar to mine & the corporate life... where if your manager printed a negative feedback about you irrespective of who was at fault... it shall get translated to your career unless you make a move.. sadly marriages are not equivalent to job hops yet.

OP... Ppl married to single sons have lesser options of snapping all ties & disappearing .. unless that single son is also a rebel and has decided to abonden them....... you may choose to ignore them for your peace of mind... but when you learn that they still know every detail of your house you'll feel betrayed with your husband and get a bigger feel of being an outsider. At anytime the single sons know or are made to know that they're responsible for their aging parents and when they know that there wont be a DIL to talk/serve/take abuses from them..... there wont be any servant either... infacts servants are asking for better treatment these days... they have many takers if they're really good.
Eventually none of the oldies desire to die in an old age home and they'll make best of attempt to either make you surrender for find a new one. Partial ties pain more like sutures... they keep paining until totally removed.

 

I have been married since 6.5 year.
It’s a love marriage and both the parents was against …finally we got married . Husband side only his mother father and 2 brothers were present …the second day of marriage me and my husband move to another city were he was working…

No time to understand his family. ….I was not so conformable with to talk with ILS cutler is totally different….1.5 year…went like this, initial 2 year they didn’t visit us.

Twice in a week talking on a phone---------------------

My husband got the job in same city where my IL stay.. he have to attend some training , and office and house was far…so He was staying in office accommodation , and I used to stay with ILS..
It was horrible experience …………

During that stay I was totally frustrated……….my MIL only talking about our marriage we have done Big mistake. They can not show their face in relatives……an all that dram. to just create a Pressure on ME……..


I have move out , started staying with my parents…we brought small house there…husband was not ready but still managed….But because of my hubby( I want to keep him happy ) , I have visited them and said SORRY….the thing which I have not DONE.

NO talking on phone…………………

Because of work commitment, we both stayed in different cities.. almost 3 years..

I am still trying to forget those 3 yr in my life. Staying alone in a new city ..and showing everyone that you are happy ..IT WAS DIFFCULT..

NO Talking on Phone……………….

My ILs never visit me..When I was alone…no body was there and they never support us..from last 3 years we both are staying together………

NOW they are complaining …….we are not calling them……


Sept 2010 My BIL got married- I took this as a good opportunity to build good relation with them ..

Twice a week talking on phone………

During that weeding.

she didn’t introduce me with any relatives ..she wanted me to stay in Kitchen and clean the floors….this weeding happened in gaav……..
I felt very humility.

After that I stopped talking with her..

I didn’t call any one. I was in depression…

After 1 year. we were having housewarming at my place…that time my husband called them ..all family members was there. I don’t feel like to talk with them. but sake so society I have to..

My dh never get the support from his family……they never consider him. they only need us for Money. and whenever they have some problem. they will show us that. We are not doing anything for them .. They are treating my co-sister and BIL very nicely …which any one can see………


I feel some time I should have my husband family with us. But I don’t think it will happen...
We both are staying in a different city..we have a friend circle ..but we can say we don’t have dh family………….
I am trying to conceive from last 2 yr..but no luck. Me and dh thinking for adoption..
May be after child they will change…

MY dh call them in a week…I don’t talk to them…

 

Hi CJ1980,
I can understand your situation......
What is your DH reaction ? is he very sensitive ?In my case..my dh understand the situation..why I am not talking with them....He feels sometime that I am not getting consider in his family...but ..He know the reality..

If your parents are supporting you and talking with you and you DH , I can not see why dh will stop talking with them..
We have to bring the peace by our own....try to focus on your family..and try not to think for past..

 

Hi Anikha,
I have only 6 yr of marriage exp..but I know what you are saying ...I am doing the same..trying to talk to my BIL...and co sister.but they never reply me...they have their brains..but they don't want loose their goodness in front of ILS..

anyways..you tried from your end... relationship never work one sided. ..

take care
Laxmi