Completely stop talking to in-laws? Implications?

nskssp · Jan 17, 2012

They make me feel I dont belong to their family, time and again, even though in everyday life we get along very very well. They would do anything for their son,their grandson, but me am just there. I think they try to get along with me just to get access to their son and grandson. I can smile and say all is well, but certain instances nail the point. It affects my relationship with hubby also. Hubby understands what im trying to say and if I dont want to talk to them then he is fine with it, but he cant do the same, which im okay with. I think it will save a lot of grief and acting.

Confused actually maybe im not thinking well. But has anyone stopped talking to in-laws completely, what are the implications?

monita · Jan 17, 2012

nskssp,
Yes, I hardly ever talk to my ILs. My MIL stays with us and my conversation with her is minimal. Just about food, yes and no. I know it feels really odd to not talk to someone living with you and I tried to have casual conversations with her in the beginning, but she would immediately start complaining or saying hurtful things.
I talk to my sils on occasions. It is again quite formal and impersonal. In the past, my SILs ganged up on me and made me feel like an outsider. I have not been able to forget the hurt and I have no interest talking to them. It's same with other relatives also.

riyagan · Jan 17, 2012

ive shunned the relationship since i left my inlaws.. my fil alone will visit once in a while and i just say hi and serve him some beverage...thats all.. my hubby has told that noone "there" is talking about me.. my fil invited me to his house couple of times thru my hubby. but i hvnt visited in this two years... my hubby tld that my mil just says to close the house door properly when am alone at home and be careful... that irritated me.. ah,as if she cares'....i dont care if they dont consider me as one in the family cos i dont like that family and dont long to be a part of it. they are the one trying to come closer to me in every sense as am in the "child bearing" stage. so i expect that they will invite themselves into my life when i become preg... which obviouly i dont like much.. anyways let see..

might sound rude..but am like that ..once betrayed, betrayed for life...its not worth a single penny to hav relationship with those ppl.. but i will appease my hubby in this regard.

nskssp · Jan 17, 2012

Some bridges can never be crossed, full stop, lesson learnt will now move on. I dont want to feel used up and not wanted, will stay away from them as that's want they want too from their own behaviour.

27csweetangel · Jan 17, 2012

well, don't stop talking to them all of a sudden, let it be a gradual process, see over a course of few months , if you think they don't love or respect you the way you deserve..That would look really bad on you part..Talk to them once while on birthdays, special occasions,, etc...when they are not around,, keep asking hubby about their well being that way..it will look like ,you are concerned about your inlaws , to your hubby..and you can avoid talking to them diretly..Gradually they will get message. they may change good luck

sirisyam · Jan 17, 2012

i am hurt so badly in these 5 years of my marriage that i dont even want to see their faces in my life time.
i have stopped calling them on phone long back. they dont consider me as thier family member anymore.
i dont care, i am hurt that bad. it was a mental torture which indirectly was a physical torture for me. it affected my health so bad.
and YES they take it as an opportunity to defame me more infront of relatives and others.

sirisyam · Jan 17, 2012

27csweetangel;2.That would look really bad on you part..Talk to them once while on birthdays said:

yes,
that would really look bad on the dils part. they even get the message that dils behaviour is becoz of the hurt and pain she got.

BUT
"they may change" it may not be true in all cases.
they will take this as another chance to defame dil to thier own way and wish infront of others.

they project dil so bad which is v v hard and sometimes impossible to recover in front of relatives and others.

i am still going thru all this.
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cj1980 · Jan 18, 2012

Well, this thread has come up at a time when I am really frustrated with my ILs and actually wondering the implications of severing communication with them!

Long story with a lot of hurt and emotional baggage...my FIL has never spoken to me in 3 yrs and MIL talks if I talk to her...they had visited us once after marriage (that too because we had an accident and they rushed to see if their son was ok, even though we made it clear that we didn't have a single scratch on us!)...they never visited after that, even after several invitations from me to come over for a weekend. I found out just yesterday that they decided not to set foot in my house because of something I did during their visit! I must admit that I acted immature during that incident, but it is ironic that my FIL humiliated me several times during that visit and it never occurred to them that they too had played a part. When I found out about this yesterday, I was furious for two things: that they would have such bitterness in their hearts and act as if nothing was amiss; that they are now planning visits just because we moved to the U.S a month ago!

I know that atleast 10% of the people around me won't like me...and I am at peace with that. But I simply cannot respect people who harbor negative feelings and attitudes inside and behave differently on the outside. I really have no desire to maintain contact with my ILs, but I am holding myself accountable to God and my parents, as both of them won't approve of my decision to severe relationships...therefore, I am maintaining a cool distance and haven't taken the extreme step. But, I am really not sure when all of this is going to blow up and I confront them...I have a nasty feeling it could happen in the next couple of years because I am holding back a lot on the inside and am hoping things don't escalate to that level.

Just a question to the rest of you who HAVE severed contact with your ILs...how has it affected your relationship with your spouse? Does your spouse immediately stop communicating with your parents? How can you maintain peace and love in the marriage with such negativity?!