Competitive husband!

sweety127 · Aug 31, 2014

Hi friends,

Got a doubt...I got meagrely hurt in a small accident few days back which I told only to my h & doctor bro. I did not tell it to my parents as they will feel worried. Today my bro had revealed it to my parents & when I was skyping with h my dad called me on phone & started asking why i did not tell him & started advising me worriedly..H on the other hand cut the call and msged me gud nite..After talking to dad when I pinged him he was all upset & I was angry as to why he did it..

(H doesnt like me sharing such bad things with parents..He tells he doesnt want to make my parents feel depressed. He rarely calls them & when we go home they all are cordial thats it & am still confused of whether he really cares for my parents.)

He was sullen & I confronted him..He asked why I revealed it..I told I never did & bro did that..He started asking sorry many times & gave gyan of how a doc should be..
I was rather irritated..He suddenly started crying & told that he felt bad for the accident & how he failed in his duty of taking care of me & that I am his possession & I should share all my pains with him only & that he wont leave me to anybody..
He is v competitive with my parents.. He compares his gifts with theirs & feel jealous..I openly asked him whether he is feeling possessive or what & his ans was may be.. I assured that you both are 2 poles & there is no room for comparison..
He concluded you will never know what is running inside me..

I love my parents so much & enjoy sharing, gossiping with them..Am literally afraid he would start restricting me..
How to handle this tactically? How to put some sense into him that I need some space to do what is comfortable for me?

SMG · Sep 1, 2014

Whats happening in your case is like a reversal of what generally happens. Mostly it is the wife who is jealous of her H relation with his mother or sisters/brothers. Doesnt your H have his parents? Is he an only child? At the moment i would say to not pay much attention to his possesiveness just as in general husbands ignore our possessiveness. Regarding cordial relations with ur parents, it happens. Myparents are extremely good with my H yet he keeps distance n never calls. I cant do anything about it as i cant force him to like them. Could be he us also facing some kind of male rivalry with ur dad.

jigisha321 · Sep 1, 2014

Very unusual problem, to be sure...

For few days do not mention your parents in front of your H...Of course, you should not cut contact with parents..after a few days, ask him why he behaves like this ? Did he ever have any arguments with anyone from your family ? Or is it just possessiveness ?

I guess you are newly married...gradually convey to him that both he and your family are equally important to you but have different roles in your life..Matter can be sorted after having a face-to-face cool discussion , I feel...Also, until he sees sense, avoid admiring your family/gifts from them aloud in front of him..maybe he just expects you to be more admiring towards him..donot feel scared of getting restricted access to your family...it is too early to get scared..your H has not shown any violence or dominance..he is just being a little immature..

cheenu123 · Sep 1, 2014

I think rather than tact, you need to be upfront yet polite. You have to make this thing very clear to your DH that when you talk to your parents, you are not discussing the issues that are private to a couple. You are only discussing about general well-being, some incidents, some accidents about which the sharing is harmless. He can't expect you to be formal all the time with your parents. You can't just share normal pleasantries all the time. Your parents have every right to know about your day to day life, without being interfering.

sweety127 · Sep 2, 2014

Thanks SMG, Jigisha & Cheenu for your insights..

Well my H does have his single mom & though he loves her doesnt talk much to her as far as I know..Equations might change if I start living with them and I am actually prepared for it as I love spending time with my family. He is cordial with my parents & no fight sort has happened till now though there were misunderstandings but I have my own doubts and dont want anybody to fulfill my responsibilities towards my parents because once I start emotionally depending him on this & he changes I just cant bear it so playing a safer game..
Also I never talk about them much with him..Actually they know my tastes better & I love wearing those (e.g: They gifted me a pearl set this B day & it was awsum..H too gifted me beautiful ear ring after great research which was too heavy that it hurt my ears..He was insisting me to wear it when my dress colour was totally different from the ear ring..I denied saying it would look funny & wore my pearl set..He became bit sad & started exhibiting his jealousy towards my parents saying why they did this..I should only get you the best gift etc etc Then at night he forcibly took me to shop & purchased me some dresses & that was how he felt satisfied.. )..This is childish..
Also most of the time he calls me my line will be busy..Though he doesnt show it he does make fun of me like always busy busy etc..Whenever I go home on vacations he wants to be with me throughout & starts cribbing when I go to my parents..I need to be firm each time even if it is for a day which I hate!
But I really dont know why this battle with my parents when he needs to first tackle my MIL who is ruining my happiness. I really dont know whether this possiveness would become double face in front of her. He is ok with kissing me formally, hugging me in front of my parents & public but when it comes to his mom am thinkingsmiley..

kma · Sep 2, 2014

sweety,
Methinks he loves you and is posessive about you. Maybe he feels insecure around your family that he may not be the most important person for you there. Enjoy it as long as it continues. Once you have children you may long for this attention. If you find his actions unbearable maybe you can payback in the same coin and see how he reacts..