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Comparison - Does it hurt relationship ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MeenLoch, Nov 19, 2007.

  1. MeenLoch

    MeenLoch Silver IL'ite

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    Me and my hubby face this problem. So I thought pouring it out in open will help us get some useful tips and advice.
    We have lots of common male and female friends and many cousins from my side. As we interact with them we tend to note some good qualities in them and wish we had it in our spouse.
    For example I see his friends managing and saving money well. I feel insecured and suggest him to do so too. Sometimes it's not insecurity but plain wish that wish he had that nature in him too. In this manner I see manygood qualities in his friends which I want him to emulate and learn from.

    He also finds some female friends of his, having good work life balance, cooking exotic dishes, and doing things which I cannot or will take time to. Since I know some of them I try to emulate it myself but hate to hear it from him. I always love to learn from people. If they are doing something better than I do, I look up to them and I am never shy to ask them or admit I dont know and start learning.

    Now the problem is, both of us hate being compared with people of same sex as us, especially by our spouse. We can withstand our mothers comparing us with them, but cannot take spouse comparing with them. I understand time and wordings help. In wrong mood the ill-effect will be more. Also hurtful words shouls be watched.
    This is a communication problem.

    So what can be the solution to such problem. I mean it's not wrong to learn from someone and get inspired for right reasons. Sometimes it's the spouse who points it to us, but why do we get so defensive. Is it true with all of you. How do you deal this ?
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2007
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  2. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    dear friend,
    comparision does hurt a relationship & it is true for all our relations whether with our parents ,siblings or kids.many parents make life hell for kids by constantly comparing them with their peers.
    we love our spouse for the qualities he/she has .so if those qualities get changed will he/she be the same person ?u may love ur husband for his tendency to make today happy by not concentrating too much on the future. if all of sudden he starts thinking of future & stop enjoying today will u like that.
    so i feel that u & ur husband should decide not to compare each other with ur friends & accept each other with all the flaws.also when u start to compare ur spouse with some friend try to remember some fault of that friend & u will always end up being thankful that ur husband may be lacking in one field but he is much superior in other.
     
  3. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Meenloch,

    I think you are right that comparison creates misgivings between a couple. When a husband or wife compares his/her spouse to another of the same sex, it leads to the feeling that the husband or wife is not satisfied with his/her companion and wishes for the qualities of another. My belief is that in the initial years of a marriage, it is better to lavish more praise than censure, and avoid comparisons of any kind.

    There are always other ways to get your spouse to improve - for e.g., you might subtly hint 'It would be so nice if you could do this for me...' or 'Could we cook something exotic this weekend? I would help...' That way the spouse doesn't feel threatened, and is willing to change...

    I speak from personal experience - the tone/wording of a statement or question makes all the difference!:thumbsup
     
  4. Sriniketan

    Sriniketan IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Meenaloch,
    Tell me who likes comparison. when we don't like ourselves to be compared with others, you can expect the same from your spouse also.
    As Sowmya pointed out, the wordings/tone and also the mood go a long way to make things happen.
    As Mahajanpragathi pointed out, let us see in what field our spouse is superior than the other and be happy that he is not like the way other spouses are in treating ourselves and the family and must be happy with that.
    It doesn't mean that we should not develop good qualities, the way to put those things in words, does the miracle happen.

    sriniketan
     
  5. CharuKaur

    CharuKaur Senior IL'ite

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    Hi dear

    i believe 'comparison' is one problem we have to be dealingwith through out our lives.
    i still remember when mom used to compare my studying habits/scores with my cousins or my MIL wanting me to dress up all goddy and shiny soon after marriage just like other newly-weds etc etc.. But it does leave a deep impact when the comparison comes from your spouse - especially if its about your clothing! And as you rightly said, even i tend to get defensive! :spin
    i remember when my husband once said this pointing to a girl in the party - ' i like her dressing sense and the coat she is wearing is very impressive. You should also get yourself one of the kind'. :shock: the first thought that came to my mind was that maybe i was not looking as impressive as she was. Then the thought of my husband giving more attention to her attire struck me and i kept weaving a web of thoughts around that simple comment of his.
    Later when my husband saw me disturbed and asked me the reason, i told him that i was thinking over his comment. And he simply said ' you are the woman for me. i simply appreciate anything that i find beautiful and want you to have evry such thing too'. :queen

    Eversince, whenever he suggests something like that i tend to include one of its like in my wardrobe - Although i cant avoid disliking the lady i was given an example of bonk
    but thats being human i guess!

    Cheers
    Charu..
     
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Same here. I do wish my husband had been little more cautious and saved a little bit. I tend to compare him with his friends and family as i feel i lost out on joy from my earlier marriage days.Its sometimes frustration and a wish to drive some sense into my husband. Sometimes it works. Some times not. In a milder way its not that bad. It pushes our husbands to learn from their mistakes. Although i admit they never openly tell it.
     
  7. Eljaype

    Eljaype Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Meenloch,

    Yes. I have seen that comparison hurts relationships, not only between spouses even others.

    One may be good at any one thing but not in all. We can all learn to improve when our dear ones point that out to us. We can take it from others but we cannot take it from our husbands or vice versa.

    We are in a possessive relationship there. When we think that our partner admires something in another person, we cannot accept. How could you??? How could he / she compare me with that person? Our ego gets hurt and that affects our relationship.

    Don't you think so?

    Love
    Latha
     
  8. kanaka Raghavan

    kanaka Raghavan IL Hall of Fame

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    Comparisons always hurt wherever it happens.Everyone has their faults and each one of us should find out what it is and set it right.In the long run comparisons create lot of problems.
     
  9. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,
    I would like to share what I do.........
    When I was newly married, I used to compare my hubby with others but after a while, I learnt that its not helping in any way.........so I changed my stratergy.....
    Whenever I like some clothes/watch/suits/tie etc worn by his frds/somebody unknown to me, I just say to my hubby that "the dress that person is wearing will suit you more than him, so can we get one for you......."
    See, who will not like to hear some praise and nobody can deny when something said sweetly........
    love
     
  10. MeenLoch

    MeenLoch Silver IL'ite

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    I found some of the above mentioned tips very useful.
    Meeta your strategy helps. Also you can adopt a sandwich method, where you fix the bad thing you have to say between two good things.

    In tamil they say fixing needle in banana. Now I don't exactly know doing this, becasue it's difficult to rack my brain to find positives sometimes. But nevertheless one should try.

    I liked another tip above which said, de-link the habit from the person, like I can say ' can u do this for me'. But I feel like using a living example. I always tell my husband, let's adapt that habit, it ll do wonders for us or something like practice the philosophy myself and then stand as an example.
    Actually when I write this, I am realizing I compare him more than he does for me.
    Initial years of marriage and praise ---- Agreed...

    Next time I get that tendency I ll think of all the above and write back...

    Sometimes I feel I need to know other persons well too. I mean the people with whom I compare my husband. It ll convince me, that mine is better than them in lot of aspects.
     

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