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Communication problems with mil -- can I accept help from her?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by RHariharan, Dec 18, 2010.

  1. RHariharan

    RHariharan New IL'ite

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    Dear Everyone,

    I am currently having my mil visit. God.. even saying 'mil' seems to make me feel like one of you! I have been reading many posts on having visiting mil and would like to seek advice on where Im going wrong in my approach to learning to live with mil.

    I have been married 2 years and am currently studying for the CPA exam. We have been living alone here for the past 2 years.. except occasional visits from my parents (about 3 months in total). Of course, my siblings have visited. I got a masteres degree and was/still am searching for a job. of course -- so Im under "no" stress at all. My mil has constantly been pressurising us to have kids for the past 2 years.. become a sore point enough. Now, she is here for 6 months and is going to assimilate our "way" of life.. and agreed, it not perfect, but since Im under so much pressure... Im shivering in my boots at the prospect of having my life-style x-rayed!

    My mil.. is not an evil woman (so many of you might, hopefully, say half the battle is won). But she is far too silent and traditional.. and a bit cunning for my taste.

    I have been brought up in a fairly liberal family.. but have never been taught to think that way. e.g. I would wear jeans on a daily basis even in India, and felt most normal. But to my mil, I assume this is like a big deal. I have never been taught to think that removing the mangalasutra is a bad thing... in fact my mother adivsed against such superstition! Moreover, we were taught to not waste time on too much tradition, but to instead focus on reciting prayeres with clarity and great faith. I never do things that my mil would mind (e.g. remove mangalasutra).. but Im assuming that is the tip of the iceberg.
    On the other hand, I am an extremely careful and thoughtful cook. my WORK is where I channelise my energies. I plan healthy.. cook healthy, dont mix.. clean dishes scrupulously.. clean fridge, work with fresh produce.. ferment curd at home.. * THE WORKS*. Im assuming this is what she is happy about.. but she never breathes a word (my mom says the absence of negative is a positive). Even my DH is such a person, but now that I have TWO silent people, I am going fricking crazy! I love him very much and care for him immensely (see him off in morning till end of lane, watch for his every wish.. send him lunch each day... dont make his mom cook.. etc etc.)

    My issue is with the road ahead, ie. getting into a working relationship with her.
    Here's a little background:
    she never complains about anything or even mentions it.. but I guess THAT is what's getting to me. She is a rather nitpicky person... nitpicky.. not that she cant control her tongue, but I know how she gossips about other people.The other day she made this comment 'Ooh I saw these young girls driving big cars.. they even looked unmarried to me!'.. I was thinking so? So women cant have cars if they dont have a husband?"

    Seeing as that is how she comments about other people, I assume I TOO will be given this treatment.. Am I just creating demons in my head to fight with? Well, I know this shouldn't matter as much. Comments are external.. and irrelevant to my overall goal of being strong and studying. But now that I see her everyday and deal with her comments and way of life, I have been getting stuck in this whirlpool emotion of 'feeling apprehensive.'
    my COMMUNICATION with her bothers me the most. Apprehension + poor communication = bomb waiting to explode.

    I cant help the latter -- She rarely talks, and EACH "talk" comes out as a comment. It drives me crazy... e.g. "Oh aloo curry.. I dont want too much, it gives me flatulence.." :bonkLook, it may genuiunely cause flatulence, and Im not arguing that.. but it constantly leaves me in a situation where Im wondering 'What on earth do I cook that this woman will like?":idea

    Im emotionally exhausted.. having to fight my own notions and having to confront an mil who washes dishes.

    I dont want her to do a little something for the sake of participating and then claim she helped me prepare for the exam! It unnerves me when she chumma stands and stares at my cooking, forcing me to talk and give her some task to do. It is SO wierd... I find her silence more unnerving than her relentless chatter. I dont want to "give work" just as to help her get over the notion she does nothing. Well its true,but I thought that was the POINT -- she's here on vacation.

    She never wants to address this, but today we finally tried to talk about it (and that too after I purposely encourage pointed conversation), and I told her that what I HAD difficulty doing, e.g. cooking dinner since Im often studying till 6 PM, I would like her to help.
    But NOT do dishes or chumma fiddle with things. Girls, she claims she will do dishes, but right on front of my eyes: She placed a supposedly 'washed' mixie top which had oodles of tomato puree stuck to it. I gently pointed it out and she muttered 'OOh lots of corners to this cap, you see'. frickin hell! I work so very hard to keep it clean.. and here she is not even taking the time to wash it well. sigh..
    Sometimes I feel Im just being nitpicky in return and dont deserve much better, but I really want to know which of this I can change, and which I should accept.

    Should I be patient.. so patient, as to accept half-baked help? Should I blind-side myself into thinking she is my best friend (as my DH would have me believe?)

    Any response is appreciated.. thanks so much

    RH
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2010
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Woww..I loved this saying from your mom! short and crisp but lots of meaning in it.

    Better understand the crux of what she said...dont try to dig too much into something, where there may/may not be trouble at all...go with the flow and try to keep eyes closed if you dont like something...your MIL is a visitor and am sure she is not gonna stay for ever..though its going to be tough for you to manage, its not worth worrying over and making your life miserable...where even husbands tend to get ddistant during this time....because they see the worry and tension in their wife...body language etc..so dont let this spoil your relationship with your hsuband. be positive and keep positive.
     
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  3. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    From my limited observation, there are always adjustment problems with MILs when we dont know them well. Even though you have been married for two years, you have never stayed with her before. So when you are staying with her , you will find there will be lots of differences in the way you think, do things. She is from a different generation and her exposure might be different to yours and even your mother's.

    Be careful how you handle your relationship with her now, because this will set the tone for your future interactions with her. Dont go looking for trouble incase there is none. While it is true that MILs are a little nitpicky, all MILs need not be. Just give her the benefit of doubt and see for some days.

    PS: Just read SriVidya's post. Agree with her 100%.
     
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  4. RHariharan

    RHariharan New IL'ite

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    "dont try to dig too much into something, where there may/may not be trouble at all...go with the flow and try to keep eyes closed if you dont like something..."

    I really like what you said... Thanks so much. I really needn't.. I guess the point of it all is: even if there is something that is on-purpose.. or something that is purely unsavory.. I am never going to get headway by harping on it.

    I guess I'm having trouble accepting the starkly different personalities. This is not the best reaction at this time... But well, I will learn to keep reasonable expectations from myself from now. :)

    Thanks Shrividhya. Ya! my mom is quite succinct... but its hard to implement what she says. :)

    Thanks again

    Regards

    Raje
     
  5. RHariharan

    RHariharan New IL'ite

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    "Be careful how you handle your relationship with her now, because this will set the tone for your future interactions with her. Dont go looking for trouble incase there is none. While it is true that MILs are a little nitpicky, all MILs need not be. Just give her the benefit of doubt and see for some days."

    Thanks so much. Yes, she is only nitpicky about religious requirements.. which I totally understand and am willing to follow. (e.g. no onion on amavasya days etc). I only object hindsight observations .. she would comment AFTER cooking 'oh dont you know?' ... well, Im trying to work on it.
    Well.. work on it I will. What else can I do? My DH happiness.. and mine, is hinged on it. :)

    Thanks for taking the time to talk. Its so nice to talk with people who have crossed the bridge.

    Regards
    Raje

    PS: Just read SriVidya's post. Agree with her 100%.[/QUOTE]
     
  6. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Raje,
    Go with what Sri says. Dont force issues, let it go with the flow.

    Also - she is not going to wash dishes differently at this age. She is used to a certain way which may be less than meticulate - but *that* is her way perhaps. So, if you ask her for help - you should know that *that* is the way she'll do. You should not be trying to teach her how to wash in a way that is like 'pointing faults' - that will severely strain the relationship.

    BEST THING - tell her, thank you aunty for the offer to help, but I can manage - and then you do it your way as though she is not there to help. That will save her hassle, and it will save you hassle in the long run too.
     
  7. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP:
    A few thoughts on reading your post: By your own admission, you are a perfectionist especially on cleaning. Perfectionism is a control thing.....I think you should think if you are trying to control to keep peace, run, etc your life. That strategy just doesn't work in the long run....life is too unpredictable and ultimately out of our control. Try and tone down that perfectionism.

    If you MIL is on her first extended visit to the USA she is going to see things that will be a culture shock. Any normal person would comment....let her do it and respond without defensiveness. She will find her balance.

    Does she need glasses? or new glasses?
     
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  8. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Raje,

    I think your MIL is trying to adjust in a new country. If she is not much of a talker then you can start conversation with her and if you have time take her out to see few things. This will develop a bond between you two.

    If she comes from a conservative background then a culture shock will be there for her but there is a big chance that she will understand that though her DIL is modern she is very good.

    If she likes cooking then let her cook and as for cleaning let her do what she can and then you do it your way. The thing is she cannot actually work as per your conditions for that matter no one can.

    At her age its probably not possible for her to change alot, so be friendly with her. I am sure she admires your cleaning and cooking and because you are such a perfectionist in it she might be hesitant to enter that territory. Leave alone your MIL, even if I see a very efficient home maker who keeps her kitchen extremely clean then I am really hesitant to offer help because I am just the opposite (this is human tendency).

    I am sure you gonna find the balance soon.

    All the best for your exam. Remember these are small problems and don't clutter your mind with these thoughts. Concentrate on your exam and the bright future ahead.

    All the best.

    regards
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Before you do or say anything to your mil, try to think how you would want your own mom to be treated if she had a dil. Or how you would want to be treated if YOU were the mil.

    There's no need to bottle up all your emotions. If you feel you are cooking the wrong thing everytime, simply ask her what are some of her favorite dishes! Then you will know what she likes without having to break your head wondering over it. She's a guest in your house, so it's your job to make sure you reasonably accomodate her eating preferences. Really, just use common sense and try your best to make her feel comfortable and welcome.... just as you would do for any visitor.

    As for your perfectionist tendencies.... it's fine to live by your own rules, but don't try to force those rules onto others. Meaning if your mil doesn't wash the mixie well, just silently rewash it yourself.

    I think you are building up your mil to be this intimidating person who will come into your house and turn you upside down. The reality is, she may be very nice to have around. So don't get yourself worked up over nothing. Don't freak out thinking 'MIL' is coming, just tell yourself 'FAMILY' is coming. That's what she is. Just another member of the family whom you get to spend time with. Best of luck with your exams!
     
  10. RHariharan

    RHariharan New IL'ite

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