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Cold Behavior

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SKoundinya, Jan 15, 2022.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Men, especially men in India do not want to speak about their mental health issues with others. Divorce being a taboo in our society, men become extremely vulnerable to cope after the divorce. Especially if the divorce is initiated by the wife.
    Not sure whether your brother has any children? If so, do they meet?

    He must be feeling so down, and lonely. But being himself isn't an option before his mom and sister, given your past encounters - whatever it may be.
    He is freely approaching his colleagues/friends, but not with family. That's the typical Indian men syndrome. In other worlds EGO.

    Looks like, your brother needs support. He yearns for the love, and care and that's why he calls mom late at night.
    Take it from there. Accept his calls regardless of the timing to ensure that you are available for him no matter what. This will build confidence in him.
    If you blame him for the poor timing, he will soon go back to his shells and close all his doors.

    When he comes to Hyderabad, make sure your mother doesn't complain. She doesn't criticize him. Also it is your duty to ensure no external relatives poke their nose on his private life.
    His divorce is his past, and kindly do not dig that again.
    Enjoy the time together, cook for him, watch movies together and let him be him for sometimes.
    Eventually if he wishes to stay long, accept him. If he wishes to go back, ask your mom to accompany and extend her motherly love and assistance from Kolkata.

    You just be an observer. Whenever they needed support, do not hesitate to provide. But please make sure that you don't judge him
     
    SKoundinya likes this.
  2. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    thanks so much for encouraging reply and supportive feedback. I am in the same lines, not intervening or giving suggestions , just tried to advice him duirng his episode of COVID attack suggesting him to settle back in Hyderabad , asked him to take sometime and think about it. HOpefully things will get better soon.
     
  3. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    because he is very independent and doesn't want to take our help, at the same time he cannot handle his life issues by himself, he is shy and introvert . He communicates very less, he is mad because we keep on telling good things .
     
  4. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Hey , I remembered your previous post and went through it to understand you brother's cold behaviour.

    Helpless - Anxious About Future
    Firstly as some other commentors had pointed out, maybe he considers your mother responsible for his divorce but cannot say openly. Maybe for that reason he chose to stay away and hence his cold behaviour.

    Now, about moving to Hyd, You may feel he will be taken care of by mother if he moves to Hyd and lives with her. But seeing your mother's age, he may feel he will be permanently in caretaker role of mother while you will be in USA. So you have to assure him that you will divide the responsibilities equally so he doesn't feel overwhelmed.You can start inviting your mother on 6 months visits every year to USA to show your brother that he will not alone be thrust with responsibilities.

    I feel you are too worried about your brother. He is just 50, he can use his property for rest of his life. There is no hurry to decide what will happen to his property after his death.

    I think , you are worrying unecessarily. You might be thinking you are settled happily with husband so it's ok for you to stay away.But you are thinking he is unmarried so he needs his mother to take care. You are unecessarily worrying about him. He is not a child nor elderly, he is a person in 50s he can take care of himself. Maybe he is fine with being single, and learnt to adjust to it, and learnt to cook/keep a cook.

    You never know what is going on in his mind, and seems he has taken a step for his mental health. Maybe moving to Hyd will make his mental health worse. Maybe he is going through a lot, and not ready for caretaker role yet. Give him some space and time.Provide unconditional support and do not pressurise him for anything.Overtime he may feel comfortable enough to move to Hyd and take care of mother.

    You should not have called his colleague. Should not interfere in his workplace with your personal family stuff. Colleagues are not friends, and you have made him vulnerable to gossip and unprofessionalism in the work place . That's a big No. Your brother may view this as some kind of harassment and avoid you further. Everyone has their own perspective - you may have best intentions for your bro. But he may have some perspective and hence avoiding you and mother . And he has the right to do so for his mental health and peace. He is an adult.Just let him be .He will come around. But do not contact his colleague- anyone would feel harassed.You are just driving your brother further away with such actions.
     

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