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Cold Behavior

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SKoundinya, Jan 15, 2022.

  1. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    Feeling very helpless friends.. no judgemental views please. very sensitive already.

    My brother is single and divorced and living in kolkota
    My mother is living in Hyderbad, I am living in US(I am younger sister to my brother)
    With past divorce he became more introvert and doesnot communicate and doesn't maintain good relationshipts, he doesn't care mother or me, he dont want to communicate, for 10 messages, he will give reply "fine" , he is very cold in behavouir. he behaves same with my mother , no reciprocation.

    We are bearing his behaviour, supporting whatever way we can. recently he got covid , being alone with no support around, he quarantined and suffered with severe weakness and fever and with no proper food, he lifts the phone when he wants and otherwise no. This really made both my mother and me worried. Luckily he recovered , he followed drs adivice.

    Me and mother tell him to come back to Hyd and live in his own apartment and enjoy the food delivery option avaialble, he works in IT , so earning wise it is sufficient.

    My mother is old fashioned lady but affectionate and supporting, being in US, I feel helpless, I keep supporitng my mother morally and whenever there is a chance I advice my brother, tell him good thiings to follow, if I keep on adivicing , he shows no response on phone which shows he doesn't want to listen to me.

    But whenever he feels he really needs help, he remembers mother like a 10th class child, he will call motheer in the midnight also without commonsense that he is bothering mother. So literally he is depressed and still doesn't want to take our support.

    I am ready to arrange the family counsellilng sessions through zoom, I dont know how to handle these helpless situations. how long it will go. No happiness and no smile on me or my mother or my brother for years together. no peace of mind.

    luckily I got hold of his colleague number and I spoke to him and asked his help.He said that my brother talks to him freely and he understood the situation and said he will try to talk to him.
    Dont know if I ever be able to solve my family problems.
     
    iyerviji and Caide like this.
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  2. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

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    It really is hard for him to accept this situation and same for guys too.

    What i feel is instead of communicating with him over phone, I think you should have in person conversations with him. I know it is hard to travel during this COVID. But take a week off from all your chores and both you and your mom stay with him.

    I know you both are concerned but if you are wishing to go instead of talking with him and give him some space just do your own works and he will come around for sure. He will start to talk with you both at certain point. Never let him get an idea that you guys are not around when he is going through all this.Seeing you guys infront of you will.move him at some point

    The more he scolds, the more he needs you guys by his side. Anger is just a mask for him now.

    And sorry to say , I know you are concerned and you had no other option but to contact his colleague. But when your bro is in this situation and is introvert, even though he is free with his friend, it is not advisable to approach his friend.

    As of now he is only is close with his friend. Hope this doesn't anger him( I thought in that POV)
     
    SKoundinya likes this.
  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SKoundinya

    Buy a flight ticket for your mother to go to Kolkatta and ask her to spend some time with her son. He is crying for help and he is not willing to go to Hyderabad perhaps because he doesn't like meeting anyone else after his divorce but his mother. The best thing is for your mother to fly to Kolkata and give him support in this time of need. That will help him recover from his depression as well as strengthen himself from his COVID.
     
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  4. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Super suggestion! Yes that will be the best. And maybe you can join them for some days!
     
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  5. harithab

    harithab Silver IL'ite

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    Technology will not cover the gaps for the absence of near family members. I feel its the loneliness which lead him to be in a depressed state. Divorce is not the end of one's life. He should rethink about another marriage. Once situation is okay, u 3 have to come together for at least a month to discuss on what's going on with your brother. May be more than a friend, he needs his family's support at this time, to talk face to face. We all live a busy life, as u wrote if there is no peace of mind since years, what do we attain in life ?! Hope the situation is sorted out soon.
     
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  6. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks you .. I will consider this option... My brother has some work in Hyd in Feb, last time he said he may come Feb,so I am thinking he should stay more when he comes
     
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  7. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    thanks so much.. yes he needs family support, unfortunately he doesn't want to take help , its been going on for years, then I decided let me not involve too much in his life, then atleasst he will take responsibility on his own, but that also did not help. When any situation is at verge of collapse, thats when he just approaches mother and then sister, nothing wrong we are family, we have to help, but at the same time , he also has to take help when he cannot take certain decisions in life.
     
  8. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Why is your brother mad at you and mom? Did you ever try to find the root cause? Unless you address the root cause anything you do will be a temporary fix.
     
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  9. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Maybe, your brother needs someone to "talk to" and not to "listen to".

    The biggest help anyone can offer a person going through a divorce (before/after) is to be there to "listen" to them & validate the pain they are going through without judging and offering any kind of solution/advice.

    Let him unburden himself. Give him that comfort that you are available to give a shoulder and a listening ear anyday/anytime. But don't force him to vent or share. Let that happen in his timing and on his terms. Just keep assuring him that you are available and will always be.
     
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  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    it could be depression. unfortunately men feel shy to discuss or take help. he might need mild medication like Serotonin ssri. it will help in 2 months , i had similar issue in my family in india . it is very helpful and important for him to consult a good doctor.
     
    SKoundinya likes this.

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