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Clueless: my husband is invoking inferiority complex.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by coolhai, Oct 31, 2007.

  1. coolhai

    coolhai New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I had been a silent member reading others most of the time. Kudos to all who reply and those who are bravely facing difficult times.

    With lot of courage I am writing this. Apart from usual in-law problem and ups & dpwns of life I don't know how to solve this partlicular problem of my life.

    I will start from scratch. Married for 4 & half years. I am working for a small firm earning Rs.50k per month. Hubby earning more than that. I am 30. Good looking. Yes, a little fat. I had seen slimmer days. Have a sweet son of 3 years. My relationship with husband has been the usual. I have to repect whole clan of my in-laws who are basically from my MIL's side. Hardly anyone ever from my FIL's side. My SIL & MIL has a fight 2 years ago after which they have never communicated. So no more SIL trouble. Usual scene of MIL having trained husand to dislike my family (everyone of them) and been abusive towards (not in front of them - mind u) when fighting. Now that I have been introduced to similar people I think my story is no different.

    Now, my probelm is that my husband does not like to introduce me to his colleagues. He behaves as if he is ashamed of me. FOr 14 months (after my son turned one) we were in the same company. Apart from his boss's boss and HR manager and whole of my team, no one knew that I am his wife. Yes, he was a big manager there. & I was a little less in stature. From my perpective it would have been an ego clash if I had been better placed than him!!! Anyway, during those 14 months he never introduced me to any of his office friends. Few who knew me did know that I was working there and used to make it a point to say hello whenever they would visit my building. Did I mention that we were in separate buildings which were 1 kilometer apart? But he never made a conscious effort to intorduce me to anyone. More so, he would tell me not to come to my building's canteen if he were coming there to have lunch. Or if were coming to my floor he would call me first to tell to remain on seat so that we don't cross roads. Also, the day I joined I was waiiting for my access card to be made and he came in after a lunch out with his friends. One of them knew me., SHe came over to greet me but he did not accompany her not did he introduce me to any of them.

    Like recently, this past Friday, we went to a wedding. I was looking after our son as he hadn't had his lunch & evening snack. SO I was catering to him while he had snacks and all. While I picked up my plate of bhalla-chat he said we need to greet the groom-bride. SO I left my plate helf way through. Then at dinner I was first catering to child while he was having dinner. Then I started mine. Incidently, while being derved I was look over to my son and I was served more than I wanted. But thinking that my husband likes pasta I thought he will share with me. He was actually offended that my plate was pile up. We left there shortly. Me still hungry.

    I don't know why but my husband has some sort of inferiority complex where I am concerned inspite of the fact that I am earning good. :idontgetit: & that I am attractive. & looking after lots of things in life. Somehow he feels ashamed of me. :-(And now I have started feeling jumpy when I am around his office colleagues. I get nervous and jittery. And do blunder like I may spill a glass or drop cutlery.

    Please help.:-(

    Love. & thanks to all to advice & sympathise. & also to listen.
     
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  2. hasita

    hasita Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear coolhai,
    Like your name states, please actually be 'cool' and learn to appreciate your self. Yes, you are a good person and doing a lot, working , earning so well and looking after a 3-year old as well!! Kudos to you.

    Sorry to say, but your hubby sounds like a jerk. He needs to recognize that you have feelings and are getting hurt each time he behaves like this.
    You probably need to sit down and discuss this issue with him, tell him you do not like it and is there a reason for such behaviour. Seems like you have not discussed this matter. Please do so.

    But before that, I reiterate, appreciate your own self!
    Others will probably give you more suggestions..
    All the best, and do keep us posted on how things turn out.
    best,
    Hasita
     
  3. gisjul

    gisjul Senior IL'ite

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    HI Dear,
    I know it sounds depressing. You would need to first slowly communicate in depth with your husband.It will take time not in one go.. try to be friendly slowly and regain his confidence in you.:idea: There maybe a reason though your MIL maybe poisoning his mind but in the end you are the one who has to spend the rest of your life with him till you get old . That is your descision now.
    He is your life partner, was he always like this from the begning?
    It is your descision whether to live like this which will affect your relationship as well your child's life..
    Gis-L:redface:
     
  4. JayaJ

    JayaJ Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Coolhai,

    You say you are good looking, earing money, looking after the house, your husband and your child.
    So why are you low on self esteem? You should be proud of yourself. Learn to love yourself. only then some1 else will love you. Learn to stand up for yourself and believe in yourself. You are doing a good job as a mother and a working woman. You are amazing. Believe you are some1 special. Believe it with all your heart.

    Your husband doesnt want to acknoweldge that you are a wonder woman. Why should you hide your status as his wife? if having you in the same office is impacting him so much, y shouldnt he look for a job in another company?
    Sit down with him and have a frank and open talk with him. find out waht the problem is and let us know if you need our help further. Dont let him avoid the talk. Press him down and get it out in the open. Atleast then, you will know wat to do/expect....

    Take care and believe in yourself.
     
  5. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    dear friend,
    as far as i can see ur husband is feeling inferior about himself.u r working almost same hrs like him,then managing ur house & little kid .wheras he just works.he may be earning better than u but everything is not measured in monetary terms.
    well ,if he does not introduces u to his friends u can introduce urself.u have the benefit of working in same company so having same collagues.u need not say that u r his wife,just introduce urself.
    also ,sometimes a person wants to keep his professional life different from personal life.maybe he is behaving so because of it.
    have confidence in urself .love urself first.why did u come hungry from party.how much a person eats if his own affair.u need not be ashamed of it. in parties the rush is so much that one needs more amount so as to avoid going back for second helping.also a mother of 3 yrs old can never predict what the little one is going to like so has to take several items to tempt the kid to eat.rather then coming back hungry u should have asked ur husband to manage the kid so that u could eat.
    next time he calls to say that he is coming to office or canteen ,just make point of bumping on him.u can easily make excuse of having some work .just let him know u will move according to ur will & not be ordered around.even u can give tit for tat.tell him u r coming to his office so can he kindly keep sitting on his seat.lets see how he takes it.
    rgds
    pragati
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. Harshita

    Harshita Guest

    Hi,
    I agree with MahajanPragati. Don't take it to heart.What happens is some husbands always have a fear that their wives r not behaving properly in public.In reality,u r behaving properly,but not as per his rules.So,make ur own rules.We r conditioned somuch that we unconsciously react to our husbands wishes or orders.The problem is, we try to obey our husbands so much,but they don't realise the fact.It might be mistaken for weakness or odd behaviour.I m facing same probs.So I would suggest that:-

    1)Make ur own friends.If u r in a group and ur husband calls u,tell him to wait.Do not listen to him immediately.Complete whatever u r doing and then give him time.Husbands get very angry when this happens,but they too should understand the importance of wht we r doing and our priorities.

    2)I know it happens that we cannot gel well with our husbands friends/colleagues.So be neutral.Its not at all compulsory to develop good relations with them.Just be there.Just respond or ask 1-2 questions thats it.If u feel uneasy,exchange few words and then go to the people u r comfortable with(irrespective of wht ur husband wants).

    I know its tough,u will have some fights with him when u start doing that.But keep ur cool.Remember its not u,its because of him that u r jumpy.Last but not the least,DONOT feel ashamed of anything,not even of a spilled glass.

    All the best.
     
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  7. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Agree with the other posts. He seems to be a jerk. He has NO business whatsoever to tell you to remain in your seat or not to go to the cafeteria. You dont have to keep telling yourself how beautiful you are or the fact that you are slightly fat. Every human being is beautiful and he is the one who is ugly with his stupid thoughts......he cannot make you feel inferior unless he looks like SRK or Hrithink Roshan himself, which I doubt!! :thumbsdown

    He is the one with the inferiority complex. Next time he tries to dictate stuff to you about where to go and where not to go at work, be upfront with him that you will not listen to him and make sure you run into him. Tell him you want to have lunch with him in the cafeteria or you will go to his desk with lunch!!

    You guys are not hiding and dating that it needs to be hidden from others at work. For God sake, you are his wife and you have a child and you are earling 50k!!!! He should be proud of you and you deserve better. Even to make you think like this, he should be ashamed of himself.

    Start by going to his desk and saying HI every morning :) You earned this right when you got married!! haha
     
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  8. padmaiyangar

    padmaiyangar Bronze IL'ite

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    An “inferiority complex”, or extremely low self esteem, is a concept we are all familiar with. Chances are you, or someone you know, suffers from this complex. Those with low self esteem are more likely to be depressed, irritable, or aggressive. They may also be more likely to have feelings of resentment, alienation, and unhappiness. So what are the signs that you may have an inferiority complex?
    Here are the top 7:
    Hypercritical Attitude:People who do not feel good about themselves have trouble feeling good about anyone else. They look hard for flaws and shortcomings of others to try to convince themselves that they really aren’t so bad after all. These people cannot feel intelligent, attractive, competent, etc., unless they are the most intelligent, attractive and competent person around.

    Inappropriate Response To Flattery:
    This can work two ways. Some people are desperate to hear anything good about themselves and will be constantly fishing for compliments. Others may refuse to listen to anything positive about themselves because it is inconsistent with their own feelings.

    Tendency Toward Blaming:
    Some people project their perceived weaknesses onto others in order to lessen the pain of feeling inferior. From here, it is only a short step to blaming others for one’s failures.

    Feelings Of Persecution:
    Carried to its extreme, blaming others can extend to believing that others are actively seeking to ruin you. If a man is fired from his job, for example, it may comfort him to believe that his boss was out to get him. It allows him to avoid personal responsibility for his failure.

    Negative Feelings About Competition:
    People who feel inferior like to win games and contests every bit as anyone else, but they tend to avoid such situations because deep down, they believe they cannot win. And not coming in first is clear evidence of total failure.

    Tendency Toward Seclusiveness And Timidity:Because people with an inferiority complex believe that they are not as interesting or intelligent as others, they believe that other people will feel the same way about them. So they tend to avoid social situations, and when they are forced to be with others, they will avoid speaking up because they believe doing so will only provide an embarrassing demonstration of their dullness and stupidity.

    Sensitivity To Criticism:Although people who feel inferior “know” they have shortcomings, they do not like other people to point this out. They tend to perceive any form of criticism, regardless of how sensitively or constructively it is presented, as a personal attack.

    Don’t Worry!


    If you have most or all of these traits, it does not mean you are destined to a life of misery and self-doubt! Many people tend to gradually become easier on themselves as they grow older, after they learn from experience that they aren’t so bad after all. You can help this process along by making a conscious effort to pat yourself on the back for the things you do well.


    Remember, you don’t have to come in first to be proud of your efforts!
     
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  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello,

    First of all a very warm hug. Life is strange at times. It gives us more than we can handle. But then thats learning. I can totally see your point. And I have seen if not many quite a number of men behaving like your hsuabnd is doing. So he s not completely jerk as others are saying. I think he s just over conscious of the fact that his wife works in same office.
    You dont have to ask him to do anything explicit about it. You could do it in implicit actions though. Like whenever you have some body new to introduce , just take that extra minute to introduce to him. He will get embarrased few times. Then slowly he will learn. More you point this behaviour to him. more he will avoid. So dont even mention it to him. Just take it light. Some men behave like this because of various issues.
    - He may be conscious that other may use this fact against his advantage in his circle.
    - He may be over possessive about you. (which my husband at times is. He would not bring people home, unles there is something very dire. I have seen my husband mentioning very remote incidents like his cousin (18 yrs old) was once gazing me for long time. which he dint like..So just look deeper in your husband's thinking)
    - If I were workign in same office as my husband , even i think we would avoid un-ncessary show of our wife husband fact. Sometime people just dont want crowd to unneccesarliy talk about it.
    I totally understand thatyou husband is doing little more than usual (i mean callign before he comes and all sounds extreme) but then everybody is different.
    You can never change this behaviour of him by confronting or fighting. This seems more mental issue. SO better thing would be to know more of his mind. why he does what he does.

    You could get him talking by mentioning some stroies of toher colleagues.. like how u dont like mr X showing off his wife. Or how You dont like Mr Y talkign about other's wives. i can bet he will open up easily on such liners. et him talkign about it. DOnt confront and talk about the issue as is.

    Hope this helps.
    RIa
     
  10. glowmom

    glowmom Senior IL'ite

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    Just wondering if you have talked to your husband about this and asked him the reason. Does he say he does not want to acknowledge you in public.

    my husband is a bit shy and wont hold my hand or hug me in public but he is not shy to introduce me or talk to me in public. no husband should be..

    you have got some very good advice from other ladies.. if i were you, i would talk to him about it and try understanding why he acts that way.. and please dont let anyone, not even your husband make you feel inferior.. believe in yourself.. you get treated the way you want, only when you treat yourself the same way..

    HUGS
     
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