Chosing a husband, chosing to stay in a marriage

Hi ladies,

I'm writing this post for two reasons. One, for the girls thinking of getting married and two, for the girls who are in an abusive marriage wondering what to do. I hope my story can help you avoid the suffering I went through. I've been a reader of this forum since the start of my marriage 10 years ago.

I'm a non-Indian white American woman. I met my Indian husband in late 2005 when I was 17 years old. He was 30 (we have 13 years age gap). We got married in 2007 whenI was 19. My husband was born and brought up in India. He has his MBA and lived abroad for several years before moving to the US. Here is out story:

When we met he was wonderful, smart, good looking, and fun. He was working at an Indian restaurant and I was working at another Indian restaurant across town as a waitress. Why would someone with an MBA be working in a restaurant? Because his "horrible, evil ex wife" divorced him and he was restarting his life,or so I was told.

His first wife (Renu) was through an arranged marriage. His family is Gujarathi and Renu was Rajasthani. My inlaws idolized her in every way....according to them being petite, slim, with straight hair, wheatish skin, and covering your head and touching feet is what a 'good girl' does. My husband'sparents said they don't know why they got divorced.

For a while things were good between me and him. Then he started getting abusive towards me, swearing at me, calling me names like b*tch, whore, prostitute, etc. It was about a year in that I discovered a restraining order his ex wife Renu had against him. I reached out to her and we talked. Turns out he was physically and verbally abusive towards her too. She was with him a year before she filed for divorce. She relocated to a different state but still, her voice sounded scared. She warned me his 'dream' was to bring his parents tolive with him and live in a 'joint family' forever.

So how were his parents? Just like him. They came to stay with us a week beforeour marriage and stayed an entire 6 months after that. For our wedding they gifted me a plastic necklace despite them being very wealthy. They would swear at me, shout at me, call me 'nasty white woman'. They would burst into our bedroom in the middle of the night to try and disturb us. My fil would raise his hands to hit me if I tried to speak up for myself. The mother would tell me I was nothing and nobody compared to a Marwari or gujarathi girl. My sil was just as bad, calling me up to tell me I was nothing but a mistake and a rebound. My inlaws would talk about Renu and my husband's 'honeymoon suite' and how my husband 'couldn't keep his hands off her'. How she was 'sexy like a popsicle'. I was always 'too fat' 'too tall' 'pink like a pig' and my hair was 'not straight enough' also I did not have 'sharp features' according to them.

I was young and newly married though and I thought my husband loved me, it would get better. I went to school, got my bachelors in accounting, then my MBA, then my CPA. Meanwhile I sponsored his immigration papers so he went from being illegal to being a US citizen.

There were times he would be so loving and so kind, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. But it never lasted. He would get mad at me for anything, especially whenever his parents called.

After I finished college, he moved us out of my home state away from my family because of 'good job opportunities'. We went back once to visit my family and he got mad at me for something and held me down infront of my mom and threw a drink in my face. He walked out of my mom's house and we were all stunned. But still, I stayed with him. He soon started cheating on me with prostitutes, writing long reviews about the girls online.

Over the years his parents would still talk about Renu, or getting a 'goodIndian girl' instead of me. His parents came again and stayed at a hotel (we had a one bedroom apartment). My husband got mad at me that I wasn't 'respecting' his parents so he moved out to go stay with them in the hotel. He said we were getting divorced. He continued seeing prostitutes. He spent tens of thousandsof dollars on a credit card getting his parents 'gifts'. His mom kept buying face cream costing $500 a bottle and jewelry sets and tons of clothes and of course, alcohol. They all would get drunk every night. I don't drink, but everyone in his family gets drunk on a nightly basis. It was terrible. My sil would say 'I don't understand Indian culture and Indian values' so I had to be'replaced'. His parents would say 'you can always get another wife but can'tget another parents'. To them white women were nothing but trash. They would even mock other Indians like south Indians and ones from north east calling them 'chinky'. To them, gujarathi and rajasthani are Gods.

My inlaws finally left to go back to India and I was stupid enough to take him back. The abuse stopped for a while. He said he realized his mistakes and was so sorry. He said he realized how bad his parents were and that they had' emotionally blackmailed' him. I thought finally we would be happy.

Little did I know he was sponsoring their greencards behind my back.

Me and him decided on taking a vacation to India just the two of us in November 2015. Three days before our flight to India, his parents showed up at the airport saying they were here for a 'vacation'. I knew something was wrong.After that his whole attitude changed. We went on vacation, but when we came back the first week of December, I could tell it was the end. He wouldcall me names daily. Really nasty names. He started getting abusive towards ourpet cat. He moved his parents out of the hotel they were staying at and into an apartment across the street from our apartment. I had a really bad feeling, but any time I tried to speak up, he would go ballistic. Finally he came home one night from work and I was writing the grocery list. He said he did not like the look on my face. He started getting worked up again that I was not 'taking care of his parents' and that we 'had to take care of his parents' (who by the way are young and mostly healthy. My mil had my husband when she was 17. She had both my dh and sil before she married my fil. It was a 'love' marriage').Anyways, he took out a butcher knife from the kitchen and threatened to kill me. Then he wanted to kill himself. He ranted for hours and hours. I pleaded with him to stop and he twisted my arm behind me and kicked me onto the floor.He said if I called the police he would accuse me of hitting him and I would lose my CPA license. Then he packed his stuff and left. I did not even have the self respect to make him leave. He left. That was in December of last year after 11 years together, 9 years of marriage.

At 28 I found myself alone and felt life was over. But you know what? It was a blessing in disguise. Separation from him and his toxic family allowed me to have perspective on the relationship. I started seeing a therapist. I started reading a book called "Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It changed the way I saw my marriage.I finally saw it for what it was..... domestic violence.

I will be filing for divorce in 6 months, once the waiting period is up. He still contacts me saying he wants us 'all to be together happily'. I have no doubt he just used me for immigration status and to be a slave to his parents. I'm sure he thinks I'll come back to live in the joint family with him.

If you are a girl looking to get married, be careful. Once he realizes I'm not coming back, they will be out there in the DC and NJ area looking for a 'bride'. They appear very modern and charming. They will tell you they are fine with you getting an education, having friends, working, seeing your parents.... the reality is different. They are ok with you having friends...THEY are your friends. They are ok with you working... your salary goes to them. They are ok with you being modern.... you can wear jeans in public but behind closed doors expect to cover your head and touch their feet every dayand 'serve' them. As for seeing your parents... sure, you can see them,and then you will be punished for it till you never go backagain. And I'm sure there are a lot of other guys out there like my husband. Don't be like me... get to know the guy before you get married. TAKE YOUR TIME. An abuser is not able to keep up their act for long and you will see their true colors IF you give yourself enough time. Don't assume your parents will know best. Renu's parents also felt he was a good choice, shehowever had her doubts. Listen to YOUR heart. If something is telling you to run, trust yourself. Be wary of a guy who is more interested in 'taking care of parents' than building a life with YOU.

If you are a woman already in an abusive marriage...... please believe me, I promise you, an abuser won't change. Read that book I mentioned, you will see yourself and your spouse in that book. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. but, there is happiness after your abusive marriage. Yes, it is hard. You will be lonely. You will cry yourself to sleep. Leaving an abusive marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. But the end result.... a chance at future happiness, feeling safe in your home, not having to fear 'what comes next' is worth it. This is easier for women living in the US, but if you are in India, reach out to your family, a friend, anyone who is willing to help you. You aren't alone, and believe me, the freedom that comes from escaping abuse is the best feeling inthe world. You might think I was incompatible with Indian culture, or leaving the marriage is only an option for me because I'm not Indian but keep in mind his first wife was very traditional, and even she left. There is no shame in respecting yourself and expecting MORE from life than abuse from a guy and hiscrazy parents. YOU deserve so much more. So do I. Good luck girls.

 

Dear Bruised,

you didn't sound harsh at all. I'm sorry you are going through hard times. Sorry to say, a lot of my indian friends, including some of my husband's former classmates which are known to me says backwards behavior is very common amongst Gujarathis and Rajasthanis. I actually found the culture to be quite ugly. Girls parents are worth nothing, guys parents are gods. This concept of dowry, female abortion, how women are often the meanest towards other women. I have spent my entire adult life in indian culture and found underneath the beautiful festivals and clothing, it was a culture very hostile towards women. Women are treated well so long as they comply with the "cultures and traditions" exactly. Any deviations and she could be termed a "bad girl with no values". His ex Renu never married again. Probably due to so much close mindedness about divorcees (my husband was actually her second marriage). Indians say they have so much respect for elders, and they do... for the guys elders. I encountered a lot of "we can't change our traditions" but sometimes traditions have to change. Slavary used to be a tradition in the US... imagine if everyone had had the opinion that it should never be changed! My inlaws expected a girl to cover her face and touch feet, yet they were openly fine with my husband seeing prostitutes. They believe in joint family, but do not believe their daughter should have to live in joint family. I noticed in a lot of indian families they would expect great things for their daughters, but turn around and treat their daughter in laws terrible. I loved india, I still do, but there are some things about the culture that are not right. I had one indian friend who's husband used to punch her in the face because she "made him mad". In my experience many indian men felt very entitled to treat women however they wanted. There are abusive men in every culture for sure, but it just seemed so accepted in Indian culture. Indian women are so strong with why they put up with, so many are highly educated, beautiful, talented... imagine if all the women stood firm against the cultural norms that put them down. Those norms would have to end. My husband had many wonderful qualities, but from the time he was born he was taught women were second class (except for mom who is a god). Is it any surprise him and other men grow up to be so disrespectful and cruel to their wives?

You mentioned doing the right thing in your own life... what's stopping you? I used to put off doing something for years. But I promise you, abuse in a marriage is the worst level of hell. Anything is better than living with someone who doesn't value you. My husband valued me so long as I gave him what he wanted. But is that any way to live? Ask yourself what you are willing to settle for. Ask yourself what you are afraid of, what is holding you back. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. I used to think I could never love again. He was my only relationship ever. But even I have learned, that you can love again. And for those of us in abusive marriage, our next love could be a REAL one where we are loved, respected, and valued IF we choose carefully. I hope you give yourself that chance.

 

Kashmir flower,

im so happy you are going to read that book. If you are in an abusive marriage, you will see so much of yourself in that book. It was like reading a biography of my husbands behavior. It explained everything. Every couple has arguments, but abuse is totally different and nobody deserves it.

Regarding assets, up until his marriage with his first wife he gave all his salary to his parents. with me he didn't save anything. We rented an apartment for the past decade. Then he spent over $20k on a credit card buying his parents "gifts" they demanded and cheating on me with prostitutes. So he has nothing to take, neither do I want anything. I wanted a house and children, but we never could because he was always running up credit card bills and making us financially unstable. Every time he promised to change and that he had learned from his mistakes. I loved him so much, but love wasn't enough to change him. And I think that's an important lesson. Do not try to change someone. When they show you who they are, believe them.

Do do let me know what you think of the book. Good luck in your future.