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Children Are Always Children To Us

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by jayasala42, Feb 12, 2021.

  1. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    The parental instinct


    "I vehemently deny being a helicopter mother. I have neither hovered over my children, nor followed them like a shadow. I am not a control freak. I have given enough freedom to my children to charter their own course, at least this is what I perceive myself to be."
    This is what many mothers proclaim about themselves.
    One may not be a mother rooted in paranoia, but to say that she is not at all anxious about
    her children will be a gross lie. It is natural for a mother to feel concerned about the well-being of her children and to keep tabs on their whereabouts, friends and activities.

    As long as children are young, they do not mind parental care, protection and instruction, but the equation starts changing as they enter adolescence. They start resenting being monitored and hate to give updates to parents.The same lovely parents whom they hugged always are likely to be distanced.Any counsel is treated as unsolicited advice, an infringement of their space. Though children normally remain well-behaved, there are times when parents,especially mothers have to face sullen, even deceitful teens.

    There were times when call rates were high and even the SMS was chargeable. While glancing over the mobile bill of sons/daughters ,, parents get alarmed.Most messages are normally directed to a particular number. Instinctively, when we dial the number on the other side would be the best friend. Confused,when we disconnect,next minute we will be abused by our children that we are spying.
    May be it may be the number of boy/girl friend who may become the var/vadhu of our house shortly. They have got master plans to hide their secrets.
    Parents of all generations keep an eye on their offspring. We resented being monitored, but now that we are parents, we tend to do the same, rather more invasively. Equipped with technology, we are in a position to keep constant tabs which they hate. Mostly our numbers are stored by them as "white ants or karaiyaan.

    After a few years they settle down very well with their life partners,sometimes earning the ill-will of parents.
    But mothers start asking themselves silly questions such as whether they have taken their meals, what they have eaten.

    One may not be paranoid but it is also true that he/she can’t get over the instinct of feeling concerned about the well-being of children even though they are grown-ups, leading independent lives. The fact is, no matter the age, a child remains a child in the eyes of the parent.

    jayasala42
     
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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    jayasala42[/QUOTE]
    One may not be paranoid but it is also true that he/she can’t get over the instinct of feeling concerned about the well-being of children even though they are grown-ups, leading independent lives. The fact is, no matter the age, a child remains a child in the eyes of the parent.UNQUOTE
    Very true. However we need to make a conscious effort to let them lead their lives without unsought for advice or interference, to have a good relationship.
     
  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Smt. Jayasala:

    A question that comes to my mind looking at the title, "Can this instinct be kept intact at the cost of happiness of her adult son"? When the mother keeps looking over the shoulder of her son after she is married, the daughter-in-law complains about her husband being a mommy's boy or a person with the umbilical cord connected to his mom. At that stage, the mother is not only underestimating the son's ability to think independently but directly affects the happy living of the adult son. Most of the problem starts from this mother's never-ending child-rearing. Previous generations led their life under the direct supervision of the parents through joint-family. When the mother compares the life she led with their parents-in-law, it becomes an irritant as the world is changing forever. With the new generation leading an independent life away from the parents and in some cases, away from the country, it is imperative for the parents to get involved on a need-only basis whether it is the need of the parents or the adult children. The only consolation is the grandchildren bond with the grandparents nicely as they enjoy the company of the grandparents. Enjoying the company of grandchildren also comes with rules i.e. the grandparents can pamper them without affecting the parenting guidelines given to the grandchildren.

    The instinct you are talking about becomes possessiveness and a battle with the daughter-in-law. A true mother who loves her child dearly, look from the eyes of the adult child what brings happiness to him and not from her own eyes. When she realizes to look from the shoes of her adult child, the quality of life becomes better for her and for her adult son as well.
     
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  4. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Viswa,
    You have taken the topic to a different angle.I confined myself to the motherly instinct alone.You have asked whether it is acceptable if the same motherly instinct proves harmful to her own son and if it proves detrimental to the happiness of his family.
    A definite 'No' is the answer.

    But is mother-in-law such a dreadful person?

    • Almost every mother of a boy is being awarded a ‘life time achievement
      Award’ and a grand title” MOTHER-IN_LAW”,an anagram of ‘WOMAN
      HITLER’,a personification of horror and torture.This award comes to one and all
      without craving for it.I think the award still continues whether she is a woman of torture or not.

      Mother-in-law,in Indian dictionary perhaps refers to husband's mother only.
      It is undeniable that in an essentially male dominant society, the boy's mother reigned supreme and
      held sway over the entire house.She was an unquestionable monarch till date.
      With the new beautiful virus namely,the daughter-in-law permeating through
      her entire nervous system,she started bouncing on her daughter-in-law for the
      slightest offence, real or mostly, imaginary, for fear of losing control over her proud
      possession,her son. But there is enormous change in the situation.

      There was a turning point to this drama around1960,when women started
      getting employed.,Mothers-in-law who had since been bosses, seemed to
      be losing grounds.They were relegated to the secondary role of cooks and
      baby sitters .
      Now where is the torturous MIL?
      The all supreme mother-in-law is just thrown from pillar to post and she
      has to be just like an’ ambulance’108' ready
      to move and help her sons and daughters whenever and wherever required, unmindful of her age related problems.

      Now the daughter-in-law is conferred with the grand title of mother-in-law.
      With her only son inUS /UK, she suffers from a unique enviable syndrome
      called S.C.(single Child) syndrome involving frequent long air travels and consequent
      problems and very often winning the jealous glances from her own kith and kin.
      Single child norm which had hitherto been considered a blessing, turned out to be a
      curse to both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.The former has no where else to go.

    • On a closer observation mother-in-law seems to suffer from
    • S and S ( Suffer in Silence ) Syndrome

    • This is the most severe disorder faced by the almost all the modern mothers-in-law. irrespective of the motherly instinct.They try their best to wipe off all the accusations heaped on the earlier generation of
      mothers-in-law by proving themselves as sweet,soft ‘ideal mothers-in-law’ of the
      highest order.But alas! Their efforts
      bear no fruits.
      The plight of the present generation mothers-in-law is really pitiable.They
      suffer in silence tolerating the occasional non-vegetarian food at home for which
      they have total aversion, ,haphazard office schedules of the in mates,untimely
      meals,some unethical behaviour of grandchildren, begging for ‘lift’ obligation for occasional shopping, struggling to come out of the entangled web of the computer
      ( and of the family too),hiding their physical ailments for fear of huge
      medical bills,frequent tensed murmur from their highly professional daughters-in-law
      . The plight of father-in-law is no way different,though it is not talked about often.
      On one hand there was (rarely is )a mother-in-law, Woman-Hitler, a torture personification,on the
      other hand is the most versatile mother-in-law ,a silent spectator under the false shield of’respect for privacy,unable to intervene even when really objectionable things do
      occur in the family.In many houses there is apparent peace,since the two in-laws
      occasionally meet,have a guest-host ‘hello’ relationship and part with as journey friends.
      Dear mothers-in-law, why don’t you realise that there is a midpath between ‘too
      noisy’ and ‘too silent’?Why don’t you, as matured ladies share your thoughts without much intruding into privacy?
      Dear daughters-in-law,
      You will be the award winner soon. Why do you deprive yourself of the benefits of
      the knowledge and rich experience of your wonderful mother-in-law?Some amount of
      privacy is worth sacrificing for preserving high values.Healthy noise is better than crematorial silence.
      Is it an in-built rivalry?Is such a congenial relationship an unrealisable dream?Can it be termed an outward expression of the pure motherly instinct?
      Will it remain a perennial conflict of yesterday-today and tomorrow? being dragged on for ever?
      Decision lies with you,women!Think and Act.

    • I am sorry that the phase of the snippet has changed due to Shri Viswa's response there of.Of course MIl also is a mother.
    Jayasala 42( Daughter-in- law of a versatile Mother in- law,orthodox to the core,yet the kindest of all.
    I have lived with her 32 years.She was an exemplor of mil-hood and I have learnt a lot from her)
    jayasala42
     
  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    This is what I concluded as well.

    Not all, and not always, even if there is an exception. It is too difficult to derive a binary result as each person is different.


    It is difficult to answer this question as perception varies from person to person and even a torturous MIL will interview well with others who are trying to find one.

    Is this applicable only to MIL? Even many DILs are in that category when her parents don't want to know the troubles and the husband takes a position, "My mother's way or the highway".

    Perfect solution.

    If high values come with love and affection, any woman would compromise her privacy as she is also a mother.

    Yes. If it confines itself only to express love for her son and doesn't intervene with the spousal relationship.

    Yes. The decision lies with the two women involved in how a man's life would experience growth and development and most importantly experience peace.

    God bless her. Everyone can take a leaf out of her life to understand how a MIL can demonstrate her love to a DIL.
     
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  6. Balajee

    Balajee IL Hall of Fame

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    Lot of parents are incapable of letting their children take to wings and fly away. They still treat them as children. I have seen some adults in their middle age being addressed as kozhandhe by their parents.
     

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