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Child Custody After Divorce In Us

Discussion in 'H4 Indian Ladies' started by MindVoice, Dec 22, 2018.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Not sure if this is the right place to ask this question...
    I'm on h4 with a young toddler, H is H1b. Marriage is on the rocks, may have to go the divorce way.
    Really worried if I will end up losing my child, if it gets to that.
    There is no physical domestic violence.
    From what I've gathered by scouring online, we might end up getting shared physical custody at best.. But I'm scared that my h4 status may turn things against me.

    I am waiting to see a family lawyer. Not sure if an immigration lawyer will have more information.

    Has anyone undergone/known of true scenarios of h4 woman getting divorce, and how did the custody situation turn out for them? Did any woman on h4 get their child's custody (in the absence of physical abuse)?
    Any examples of shared custody and how it actually works in real life?
    Know if anyone got to go back to India with child after divorce here?

    Please share any information or true anecdotes.
    Thank you!
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Is your kid a US citizen. If so, after divorce you can't stay here. You need permission from husband to take your child outside USA.

    Visit avvo.com for similar questions. I think a combination of family and immigration attorneys can help you. But finding the right one is important.

    Can I get child custody after getting divorce a - Q&A - Avvo

    Going through divorce/child custody battle on H4 visa
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2018
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    MindVoice, I follow your other thread and this response is based on that.
    - the resources mentioned by DDream will have more information

    - if money is at a premium, along with time that you can devote to going out of the house and meeting lawyer etc., then, first think through your short-term and long-term goals before meeting lawyers.

    - Give it some more time. The number of divorces initiated historically peaks in January. One reason is that people see others so happy and feel sadder about their own lives. The whole emphasis on 'happy', 'family' and all that can get overdone. Not saying that you are being impulsive or anything like that. Just that December is a month in which routine life is set aside. Don't use this month or your feelings in this month to make life-altering decisions.

    - You have mentioned absence of domestic violence or physical abuse more than once. That is a good track of thought to be on. That will be your weakest point. Good that you are aware of it.

    - Use threads and IL to gather information. Don't post your decisions or more details than you need to for getting the information about resources. If you pursue the divorce option, your fears, worries and misgivings shared here can be read by others.

    Your posts are lucid and show that you think fairly. You are almost there, getting closer to what you want to do. "Strong" is the one word that often came to my mind reading posts by you in the other thread.

    This post is not a response to the actual query you posted, but wanted to say the above.

    Best wishes.
     
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Mindvoice,
    Looks like you are in info gathering phase and that is always a good thing, to know your options- whether you choose to exercise them or not.

    Some random thoughts came up —
    Practice some precautions like logging out whenever you are done here and exiting/closing browser to avoid unnecessary issues.

    Try to save some money from household expenses as and when you get a chance. Keep it in a safe place.

    H4 is tough. Can you convert to an H1 or F1? Look at your skills and qualifications and decide which of them is marketable here? Yo get lot more room to maneuver in a divorce situation if you r also on an H1.

    Look at ACLU resources and women’s shelter resources online. There are many Indian ones nationwide now. They contain a lot of info about what exactly your rights are, what you are entitled to, even within the marriage. Knowing your rights within a marriage can be very empowering. Reason I bring this up is because you seem to have suddenly leaped from ‘trembling and fearful, unable to voice a protest’ to considering divorce options. Knowing what is your right can maybe give you the confidence to speak up boldly and find ways to negotiate and set right the current imbalances in a unhappy marriage (where there is no cheating, addiction or physical violence issues as per your own statement). Because knowing is empowering.

    Good luck! And keep us posted
     
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  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Mindvoice, I have to apologize to you first for my reactions in the other thread. I was by no means judging you, just feeling frustrated that you have to go through this.
    You seem to be getting closer to finding your way out. Can I point out that your H4 will not be valid once you divorce?
    A divorce in India seems like a better option for you because you may have access to finances, freedom to step outside the home and get a job.
    If you plan to do this in the US seek help of woman’s organisations like others here suggested.
    Can I recommend that you start saving records of chats , messages etc . It’s hard to prove emotional abuse but the fact that you have no freedom to step outside the home, no access to finances etc itself may be a red flag.
    You are a brave woman. I am sure everything will work out for you. I am rooting for you to find your strength and peace of mind.
     
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  6. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Hi @MindVoice ,

    My apologies I dont have any answers to the questions you asked in this thread . However as Ddream suggested , avvo.com is a good place to get these suggestions . I used them once with my immigration issues . I sincerely wish you find all the answers you need to know and rightfully deserve .

    I have been going through your previous posts and silently learning a lot of things from the replies there . Its neither anything different or being said for the first time but i am still learning my lessons . I dont consider myself remotely capable of advising anyone on relationship issues as I am yet to sail through myself . Please do not consider what i say if you feel it further hurts you. I dont want to compare the struggles here because its unique to each one . may i dare to say that i was in your shoes until a while ago and it breaks my heart to see some one else go through the same trauma . i remember how i would wait for my parents to call me to speak as my phone would not have india calling card for a couple of years . specially when you said how you tremble to face them i could not stop myself from replying. I still clearly remember the days when ils would shout , h would be standing silent and i would literally shake , my hands and legs shaking , head bursting with headache , walking on the streets with dizzy head not knowing when i would collapse ... i would only wait for one day at a time to pass ... my heart bleeds to see you in such a strikingly similar situation and your helplessness . i know exactly how it feels if they call you mentally unstable , how being absent minded feels , how you doubt everything about yourself .

    Sorry , this thread is about your issue and i got diverted to vent again .

    From your earlier threads I am not clear if you already have EAD or waiting to get one .
    If you have it already , I read you are struggling to find time to upgrade your skills and find an appropriate job . I also gather that you held a promising job in india which you had to leave to come here . Please do not misunderstand me for saying this but can you consider finding some job even if low skill to get started . With your knowledge and experience I am sure you would find an appropriate job but for now how about just doing what you get easily and immediately without any need for prep ? It will give you some leeway to think clearly . I see some places where you can get a full time low paying job , which does not require a lot of skills and pays you atleast $2500 after taxes each month . Coming to leaving child at the day care or nanny at home depends on what is your choice . For the first month if you need to pay for the child care in advance , then it might be an issue . for daycare advance is needed , not sure about the nanny . In a similar situation when I needed money immediately after coming back to the US , I traded the gold that i got during marriage(which was very less) to get some liquid cash . Just an option , hope you dont need to do this and find another solution . For me I could not ask for any help from my father as he was already undergoing a lot. Luckily my one and only friend here helped me with the money when she saw me trading gold at the local indian gold shop at very less amount.

    If you dont have EAD already , please try to see if you can apply for one , meaning you are eligible wrt i140 etc . if you are and if your husband is supportive enough to atleast give you the documents to be able to apply , try to find those $500 for the application somehow and get your EAD . I read somewhere you were worried about if the rule would retain or not ...dont worry about it . for as long as it lasts it will not hurt you. please dont think what is the use , it will be scrapped anyways . just do it for as long as possible. ofcourse all this only if your H gives you documents to apply .

    Once you have some money in hand and you start going out with a purpose , you would be mentally stress free even if for just some time and you would think through everything clearly . And soon you would be in a better state of mind to find an apt job for yourself . And one more thing , no matter how much you make , even if very less , for starters just continue doing it ...dont think what is the use if most of what you make goes for the childcare ...it will eventually even out .

    I am pretty sure that once you start earning there would be some positive change , in you , which will make you stronger to either dont care about them or face them confidently .
    regarding driving also , please adjust with long commute if you have to then when you make enough get a license first thing . once you find some financial independence , you can decide which way is better for you .

    I want to say so many things to you but dont want to go on and on as this is not what you sought for in this thread . once again if my suggestion of finding just any job for now is offensive to you my deepest apologies . I would never want to hurt you more than you already are .
    My only intention here is to have you focus on getting an EAD as a priority and get some job before deciding on anything substantial.
    Sorry if I hurt you in any way .
     
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  7. Tanuinusa

    Tanuinusa New IL'ite

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    Instead of telling you what to do and what not to do, May I please suggest therapy and talk to a marriage counsellor to mend your marriage? I don't know the reason for your " marriage is on the rocks" but what I gather your H is not physically abusive. Should I assume he is mentally abusive then?

    If you end up in divorce, it is your child who is going to get affected the most. Not to say you and then your husband. So please try to talk to hubby and come with a solution so that this may be avoided. Honest thought.
     
  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Avvo.com was my first stop, but I couldn't find much - mostly recommendations to see a lawyer.

    @SinghManisha There is no need to apologise! I haven't been offended by anything you've said - rather, felt comforted by your indignation - it seemed to reflect my own. Yes, I am aware of the loss of status. Thank you for rooting for me.

    He he you got my exact thought..
    This. This is what I want to know. And what I am trying to define in my situation. Mostly, I want to know if I am really trapped as I feel given the h4 status.

    @Rihana, I have noted every word you've written. Grateful for the pointers and word of caution. And this:
    These two words made my day, and mean the world to me, esp. given your sharp insight. Thank You!

    @Caughtinbetween Thank you my friend, for reaching out to me and sharing! There is such a (unfortunate but definite) comfort in being understood.. will definitely consider the work option.
     
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @MindVoice - Before opening any urls here, please make sure you know how to clear your browsing history and broswer cache. Also learn how to clear history selectively so as to not arouse suspicion. Use incognito mode in your browser to open IL from now on and please log out and check browsing history to make sure IL or other sites mentioned in this post don't pop up in your browser history.

    Domestic Violence isn't only physical. Are you being abused? This checklist might help.

    Since you are talking to a family attorney, see if you can find someone who has helped immigrant women in the past. Asian women's organizations in your area may have the details of such lawyers. Here is a list for you. You might find more in your area. They even help find lawyers free or low cost for many women.

    Regarding sole custody, it's extremely hard to get. A parent can get sole custody only if the other parent is proven to be mentally incompetent in court. With shared custody and H4, you need the info from the women's orgs to proceed further.

    Good luck, MV. Whatever you decide, stay safe, stay guarded and most of all stay strong. @Rihana has mentioned how strong you are and I have the same things to say to you and @Caughtinbetween. It's not easy to stay when the going gets tough. We do admire your grit to stay and take it one day at a time.
     
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