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Child again????

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by sujathaumakanth, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. sujathaumakanth

    sujathaumakanth Bronze IL'ite

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    "Becoming a child again is what is impossible. That's what you have a legitimate reason to be upset over. Childhood is the most valuable thing that's taken away from you in life, if you think about it. "
    - Heather O'Neill


    [JUSTIFY]We were at Anna’s brother’s place – the cousins were playing Monopoly except for the youngest, who is usually kicked out of such board games given his short attention span and disruptive nature. I had sneaked upstairs to catch up with my reading whilst the others were having their dinner. It wasn’t easy trying to read with noisy kids around but I happily welcomed their natter, loving the feeling of family around me.

    It is a joyous experience for me to see my daughter amongst her favourite people in the world – her cousins. My niece means the world to her and my girl hangs on to every single word she utters. All of a sudden I sensed the game wrapping up - it was kind of abrupt and so I looked up my reading to see my daughter downcast while my niece and nephew were packing up. I found that my gal had accidentally brushed the pieces on the board while leaning forward to pick up something and seeing that it was close to bed-time my niece had called it quits rather than setting the board again. The cousins left for downstairs while my daughter was quietly sitting in her corner. I did not find anything amiss and would have quickly returned to where I had left reading, when something made me glance again in my daughter’s direction. I then realised she was trying her to best to hold back her tears and at my enquiry, quickly let the flood gates open. Amidst the sobs and gasps, I managed to hear the words she was choking on “we were having a good time, why do I always ruin good moments?”

    My daughter isn’t exactly well coordinated – call it childish clumsiness or her leggy awkwardness, she is usually accident prone….something I hope she will soon outgrow of. But this did not seem the moment to point it out, rather my heart went out to her, self berating herself over something that was purely an accident. Besides, blaming herself for everything that goes wrong in the universe seemed totally “Sujatha” to me and the last thing I wanted for my daughter was to be a pea of the same pod and to believe in the “Sujatha” touch. A few hugs and kisses, some kind words and the worst disaster seemed to be averted. She was back to her confident self in the safe haven of my arms and bouncing down the stairs to make herself the star of perhaps another accident zone. I sat there marvelling at the resilient nature of kids, tears one moment, smiles the another – how hopeful and kind the world seemed to be at such an innocent and tender age.

    I could not return back to my book instead I found myself wanting to be a child again. I wanted to believe in the wholeness of my universe again, to fall back to the magic of comforting words and tender hugs – I too wanted a wand that could make my world better again. Somewhere in the task of raising two kids and being an adult ( at least attempting to ), I found that I had come a long way from my own parents – today I stop to turn and look behind and find myself quite alone. Sometimes I think I wait for my mother's voice asking me to wrap up my playacting ( as an adult) and come home as it is getting dark.

    The last few months have been so difficult for me – the past offering no comfort, the present and the future quite bleak. Too many painful decisions to take, one step ahead, two steps behind…..leaving me with the illusion of no progress made despite time flying past quickly. Like an alzheimer’s addled brains sometimes interspersed with lucid moments, I too have optimistic moments, but lately they have been very few on stocktake. In the end, I am left wanting for support…..comforting words that would bolster my self-esteem, rebuild my confidence, restore my faith in people and relationships…….perhaps this is where I envy my religious friends who seem to have their faith as a security blanket.......alas, no fattening of calves for this prodigal daughter.......home is still a far way to go.

    “Amma”…..I hear Mugil’s cry permeating my consciousness and breaking into my reverie of thoughts. I am gently brought back to earth, his cry reminding me that life is not cyclic – once a phase is completed, it stays concluded. I can no longer return to being a child, besides did I not spend my childhood wanting to grow into an adult .....so, what am I talking about now? Is one's life all about wishing about pastures yonder?

    I am slipping back on my mantle of adulthood, hastily skipping down the stairs to resume my role of the mother…….perhaps, to feel needed is a luxury too, I better enjoy it before the kids outgrow the need for their security blanket, their mom :)[/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2010
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  2. Raba

    Raba Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Suja,
    This is a wonderful one
    //She was back to her confident self in the safe haven of my arms and bouncing down the stairs to make herself the star of perhaps another accident zone.//

    dont worry Suja you will overcome the difficult moments soon and you will be happy forever.

    I guess you are enjoying the role of 'protector' for the two wonderful kids:cheers
     
  3. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My dear Suja

    If you are one of those who strongly believe that men like me, slowly making their way towards the Sunset Boulevard, can hardly jump with joy and do a few jigs like Fred Astaire, it is perhaps time to change your opinion. I have just finished reading your ‘Child again?’ and it is precisely what I am doing, jumping with joy and doing a few jigs like Fred Astaire! What a brilliant piece of writing this is! I read it twice, once for its content but more importantly second time for the beauty of your language and expressions. It is indeed the kind of language that I would die to read. From the wonderful quote of Heather O’Neill to the last word of Mum being the security blanket, it was more like a painting on a canvass by a Master. Thank you Suja! I feel rewarded being a member of IL and a Moderator of this particular forum.

    I have never heard such a beautiful and soulful running commentary on the games that kids play. From now on, I’ll remember to watch my grandchildren in greater detail. Reading that commentary of yours, I just disagree with your comment that ‘life is not cyclic – once a phase is completed, it stays concluded. I can no longer return to being a child’. After reading your thread, I left my PC crawling on my knees like a one year old making gleeful and funny noises. It is just a question of waking up the child in me and you just succeeded in doing that to me with this post.

    I salute you, Suja

    Sri
     
  4. knot2share

    knot2share Gold IL'ite

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    I feel the best feeling one can have is when their child calls to his/her mother with that look which can melt just about anything in this world. Amma is surely a security blanket and it is a proud moment for the mother too when her child/children come(s) running to her or seek her for comfort. Nothing can beat that feeling. So dear Suja feeling needed is such an ego boost too if you ask me. Enjoy being with them when you can and have the time. We all would like to be a child once again and you have that opportunity to be so with your children. So enjoy and hard decisions in life........well, just bite our teeth and move on isn't it? Its a phase and a horrible one like this winter we are facing now (assuming you hate winters too :)). As for that warm hug - I can only give you one from here along with a :kiss. Will this suffice? The state in which we both are, we probably will end up giving each other hugs after hugs...good for our soul and the cold.
     
  5. meenasankaran

    meenasankaran Platinum IL'ite

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    Sujatha,

    First of all, my heartfelt appreciation for a perfectly written post. :thumbsup Like Cheeniya sir pointed out, with a few deft strokes, you have painted a vibrant picture of children playing a board game with you relaxing in the background with a good book in your hand. If I tried just a little, I could almost hear the excited and raised voices of the children sprawled on the floor.

    Your language is fantastic with almost a textbook case of grammatical accuracy. Ever thought of giving lessons in English? Sign me up if you decide to do so.:thumbsup

    As to feeling lost and in need of comfort, for what it is worth, consider this a fierce long-distance :) hug from me. You sound like a wonderful mother. Enjoy your kids and hang in there, my friend.
     
  6. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sujatha
    Oh so you were in this delimma that we did not get to see here for some time..... :)
    Wow very well written, it would be so wonderful to be a child again just be carefree without thinking what is next. But past always is left behind with sweet memories carried forward. But being a mother is a boon and the most important status of life where children come with all problems and happiness to share it with us.
     
  7. sujathaumakanth

    sujathaumakanth Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Raba,

    I am glad you liked the post :) Dunno about the protector part, but yeah they are really wonderful kids, great at forgiving mummy's mistakes !!!!

    I hope your kind words do come true !!!

    Thanks dear,
    Suja
     
  8. sujathaumakanth

    sujathaumakanth Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sri Uncle,

    I read your comment last night and my eyes welled up reading such kind and gracious words from someone I look up to so much. I could not bring myself to reply to your words - worried that I might not be able to convey what I want to say. Obviously I am still at a loss to do it :) but I do want to say I am someone who puts a lot of stock in words and so you will be able to understand how much your words mean to me.

    Right from day one, you have extended your warm and enthusiastic support and made me feel so welcome at home here !!! And it feels so good that I managed to wake up the child in you.......thank you so much uncle, I treasure your words !!!
     
  9. sujathaumakanth

    sujathaumakanth Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey dearie Knots, yep hugs from you sure does make my day :)) And guess what......I am getting addicted to writing to you on FB as well !!!

    I am sure someday our fortunes gonna change and then we will look back at these days and wonder what the fuss was all about, till then we will whine and whinge and exchange our lovely warm hugs whenever we can :))

    We had a terrible fog this morning, could not see anything ahead of me while driving.......just the perfect weather to snuggle under the covers and continue with my beauty sleep......aaargh, cant wait for the weekend already :)

    Thanks dear for your lovely feedback every single time.......

    (mmmm.....somehow this reply doesn't sound the same as the one I had written before the crash......sulk sulk)
     
  10. sujathaumakanth

    sujathaumakanth Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Meena,

    Thanks so much for those warm words of yours and especially the lovely hug :)) I dunno about the "wonderful" mother part, but I definitely have lovely kids who make mothering quite easy.......well, they are not exactly angels but you do understand what I mean, they are good kids !!!

    Ha ha funny you should say this, but I am indeed thinking of starting an English speaking course for newly migrated Indian women within our community here in the town where I am staying. It would not be pedantic as the other english courses, but more fun and interactive mainly to get rid of the fear of public speaking. If a Swede, French or German does not speak English, people dont treat him or her as inferior, but as Indians despite being bi-lingual in most cases, the moment we are found not to be proficient in English, the Western community looks down upon us. And I am tired of always being asked by the locals here how come I speak so good English without the trace of an Indian accent.... despite their appreciation it sounds quite condescending to me at times.......so decided to take it as a challenge and get this started and see if I can help other Indian women around me :))

    I like your style of writing, clearly visible in just those few lines you had penned :))

    Thanks dear,
    Suja
     

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