Discussion in 'Married Life' started by fragrance, May 22, 2016.
yes, very much.
This is a terrible thing to go through. My heart goes out to you.
Others have answered your immediate questions and pointed out that what he says & does are not OK.
Can I just say: he is an adult. He's acting like your 4th kid - requiring supervision and discipline. Withdraw from that mindset.
He knew what he was doing - every single time. He's making other people responsible for his actions or blaming it on some blank brain. Don't let him get away with that. Plus, you cannot police him for the rest of his life or your life. It is exhausting and humiliating and will not make you happy. If your kid did something wrong, would you follow up on consequences so that he learns his lesson?
Your husband needs to do the same. You are protecting him. Let things fall. Don't fix anything. Sometimes you have to destroy something to make it stronger and better. Some suggestions :
*Tell him to go for counselling.
*You go for counselling, alone.
*Tell your husband you have given him many chances & now you are going to THINK about things. (You don't actually need to decide, just tell him.)
*Don't confront the other woman, it's not your job/problem and you don't need the guilt.
*Take help from a friend to work out your finances. Move on this quickly, it will also help you focus.
*Tell your family. They may not believe you , doesn't matter. Tell them anyway, say his sister knows. But do not expect your SIL to back you up. Yes, he is two-faced & that's why he could deceive everyone for so long.
*Stop catering to his needs. Let him look after himself. Communicate briefly about necessities. Go to work & stay late. Or just go out without informing him. Your children should be old enough to help & manage. *Take time off for yourself. And recuperate your heart. You've had a big shock, you need time to re over. Give it time. Give yourself time.
*Whatever you decide, let him leave the house, you don't. You stay there with the kids.
You won't be able to think straight so don't make any decisions now. Most of all, don't blame yourself.
Take care of yourself.
I actually like the advice given by @songbird46
thanks @songbird46 u have given good advice.
financially i m not working so i dont have any savings. i totally depend on him for all my expenses.
past few days hes had some major losses and tensions in business so literally he was begging me to forgive him.
i m seeing lots of behaviour changes in him. which of course was there before also. like i knew all his passwords, email acs, mobile etc from before but i never bothered to check except a few times bec i feel marriage is based on trust. whats the use if u dont trust ur partner and keep checking everything.
the children dont know yet as they r very small and will not understand. youngest is just a year old.
im not sure about my family as i m not on good terms with any of them so i dont know what good it will do.
ur right about the SIL. i cant depend on her as after all shes his sister and hes like a son to her
because of my one year old i cant go out of the house also. and neither i have a support system out here. no friends, no family. i m like trapped out here
today also i had a big discussion with him. he accepted his mistake but says he does not has any feelings for her.
can anyone tell me if a guy does not have feelings for a woman he will still write such sexy mails to her. though i know she initiated it. even b4 he said that she initiated it saying climate is good and fantastic, feeling naughty where ru. im feeling wet and he told that pls talk all this to your dh.
im surprised that a being a woman with 3 kids she will write all athis to her husbands friends. and from what i have met her a few times she doesnt seem like a cheap woman.
or is he lying.
thats the question
I came across this post by chance and it kind of echoed with me. I happen to know a couple who were in the same boat as you are. They are staying in a town in Orissa and the husband used to do dirty chat with a lot of girls. I helped them resolve this issue and now they are still staying together.
I don't want to add to your grief but wanted to make a few points -
1. First off, no married woman would make such advances as your husband is claiming. 99% chances are that your husband initiated this as he must have done multiple times. This doesn't seem to be his first time based on your description.
Option # 1 - Since you have access to his chats and emails, you can definitely get in touch with the other lady. She is obviously chatting with ur husband as he makes her feel special. Just tell her that she is not the only one with whom your husband does sex chats. She is one of the many others that your husband talks to.
2. Since your husband seems to be tech savvy, you won't be able to fully stop his behavior and nip this in the bud. He needs counselling and he needs to make a commitment towards you and your family. These things go round in circle and would again raise its ugly head few years down the line if no definite action is taken.
I wish you all the luck and I hope you come out of this with a positive outcome. All the best!
@Ramudada thanks for your reply. pls dont think i m supporting my husband or im in denial or something. but i have seen many cases like this personally where married women do initiate this.
just to give u an idea this couple in particular had sexual problems (apart from other problems )from before where the wife was not getting satisfied. a few years back when they had serious issues and they had got separated for few months this had come to light. i did not know the extent of their problem but i know the guy cud not satisfy her and they were on the verge of divorce.
i m not saying that bec of this i believe she initiated it so as to satisfy herself but yes its a possiblility. rest only my dh, her and God knows.
i wanted to talk to her but i dont know what good it will do. the only thing she will come to know i know about this and not try to talk to my husband.
any ideas anyone
I feel nothing should be done in a hurry. You need time to process all this information, time to realize if your husband has changed. What has happened is past. But how you deal with all this will determine the future.
Do talk to the other lady and ask her to refrain from further chatting. For me it does not matter who initiated. Both of them participated , so both are equally responsible.
Tell your husband you need time to decide. Do not be emotional. Dont display your insecurity to him. Go about your everyday tasks. There is no hurry to forgive and forget.
Observe Observe and Observe. Soon you will arrive at a decision on your own.
No u r not old fashioned-- even here in US ( me- born here, stayed, studied n worked with predominantly whites all my life as here in some areas/ schools/ certain job positions, u don't see those many desis), if a man calls darling, sweetheart or any fancy word ( lol..if u get the meaning) to a woman who is not his wife or girlfriend, she CAN sue him for harrasment !
i have seen some bollywood movies where women or gay or some men r calling these endearing words to others but its NOT considered funny here n this can fall in harassment category- i mean most women here including I would get offended when called these words by a man who is not my fiance, hubby or boyfriend.
So, practically a man can be sued for using these endearing words to a non- related woman
I'm not at all surprised at your situation. 8 out of every 10 marriages are in this rut. What you describe does NOT sound like a casual, harmless, carefree attitude on your husband's part. His not only degrading himself but also playing with your emotions. No rules in the world are going to change him!
how come then @dia3 he calls his ex classmates but none of them mind. even a few family friends he calls but not even once of them have minded or told him anything. of course he doest use it in each and every sentence but only sometimes
thanks for all the replies. i really appreciate it. right now we r in a financial mess. i dont know what to do. i was not on talking terms with him except necessary.
but past few days he suffered huge losses in his business which i know was not his fault. on top of that he is a heart plus pressure patient. i really dont know what to do. he was literally crying in front of me that if u dont talk to me and u dont support me i dont know what will happen to me. he had chest pain and i had to go to him to look after him
i know some will say that im a fool but right now i am so confused. my elder dd who is 11 yrs old has sensed that there is something wrong and i dont want to drag children into this.