Changing perspectives....

Mindian · Jan 13, 2012

P was a friend, more of an acquaintance actually, who was elder to me by three to four years and if I recollect properly, she got married 3- 4 years earlier than me. I last met her at a function years back when she was expecting her first child and she and hubby were falling over each other "honeying" and coochie cooing.

Obviously, we friends thought "Good! Now, there's a happily married couple"

Imagine our shock some years later when we heard that they had divorced and she was back at her parent's home with their small daughter? We heard that he suspected her of having an affair with her cousin and they had decided to part ways. None of us could believe it and more so because he got married again within a year.

When there are two parties involved it is very difficult to accept that the person you know has committed any mistake. We concluded that she had been treated very badly and blamed her hubby.

Some more years later we were shocked to hear that P had indeed married her cousin, that same guy who was the cause of the split of her first marriage.. .

Now, we all felt how little we knew her really and ohhh how bad we were to judge her ex hubby and how could she, a married lady behave that way etc etc….. A lot of judging we did, as all youngsters tend to do.

I never met her and her cousin as a couple but kept getting news from others that they were doing well and had no children from their marriage but only her daughter from her first marriage Someone also said that this cousin was too crude and God only knows what she saw in him.

Anyway, by then (thankfully)I guess we were all busy with our own families to do any serious judging this time.

Two months back I heard that her cousin (and hubby no 2) passed away suddenly from a heart attack. In fact, it happened when he was on his way to visit a family regarding alliance for her daughter. It was sudden but she has accepted it stoically and has gone ahead with the same alliance.

I could not help thinking of her now. (Probably because, I again have a lot of time in my hands) However, I was very pleased with myself as to how non-judgemental I have become. I have wanted to be like this for a long time friends and hence this post.. Of course I would be lying if I don’t admit that there is still a small moralistic part of me that can't accept the fact that she had been unfaithful after marriage but then, who am I to judge? God knows whether her parents had her married against her wishes and maybe she had tried to accept it?

Whatever!!! I was only pleased that she had had a happy life and her cousin; her hubby had been a good husband to her and father to her daughter. I was happy that all the three people involved had made their lives happy instead of living in misery every day.

How perspectives change with age !!!!

iyerviji · Jan 13, 2012

Mindi dear sorry to knowabout your friend. True sometimes we cant understand friends. Good that she had a happy married life and her daughter is also married now.

blackbeauty84 · Jan 13, 2012

Sometimes we can't think bad of person whom we know well. Who knows what is going in other's mind?
I'm happy that she didn't continue the unfaithful marriage spreading unhappiness around.

Kamla · Jan 13, 2012

Dear Minidi,

A great observation on one's own perspectives. Our thoughts change along with us as we get to know the world and its ways, call it experience.
When young, it was much easier as we are influenced by the talk of the elders that surround us and our very moralistic views. But as we learn more about life, we recognize that not all is black or white and there is a lot of gray shades in between!
Who are we to judge her? Only she knows what actually transpired in her life.
I must say that in spite of myself, I admire the western way of life and their reasoning...you have only one life and try to keep that happy!

L, Kamla

Shanvy · Jan 13, 2012

Mindi,

Last year, while i was reading a book, there was this line in between.."i do not have the time for people who do not appreciate the shades of gray and are looking at only the black and white.." if it was a decade earlier, i would not have understood the profundity in that statement given to my age in terms of life and experiences and exposure..

today i would like to think that they had their own reasons for their actions and they are the only ones who are going to benefit or suffer from those actions, why should i pass judgements just because i am a fly on the wall or just a eavesdropper...

perspectives change not only from the change in the environment outside but also from the internal changes in SELF..

there is so much that is left unsaid in between the lines of your snippet and i can understand that because i think we are on the same page at this junction in our life..

Chitvish · Jan 13, 2012

Dear Mindz,
To accept that perceptive changes with age is a sign of how we have evolved over the years!!
We realise how judgemental we have been, leave alone, having no right to do that.But accepting that our perspective changes, very often makes us laugh at ourselves, how immature we have been.
Our exposure plays a great part besides our own experiences!
We do keep growing till our last breath - atleast we must consciously do it!!

deepa10 · Jan 13, 2012

Dear Mindian,

Our mind has no limits to think, is it not? Why I am saying this is because, another circumstance also occurred to me reg your friend marrying her cousin. May be they were just friends, her husband mistook it for an affair, and made it a big issue and her parents would have taken the decision of marrying her to him!!

Its weird that our mind can think of so many possibilities and yet we know hardly about the truth..!!

Srama · Jan 13, 2012

Dear Mindi,

how can I not but pitch in when I hear you speak of "change" and "perception" in one sentence! It is not 'them' Mindi, it is 'us', almsot always! Isn't it amazing to see how well we evolve and when it is conscious, it is so joyful! My mom who had lived almost her life with 'my way or high way' philosophy had changed perceivably towards the fag end of her life and many a times took me by surprise with her sense of acceptance. I have always felt 'if only she had changed earlier', she would have been easy on herself - now I remind myself to be like that even though I am at a much younger age.

Since I went off on a ramble, let me close by stating that Mindi, you are changing and it is so nice to see this change, even if later and you did indeed bring a broad smile to my face. I am sure if you get to interact with her now, you will make a world of difference to her, just because of the way you now look at her! :hatsoff

Cheeniya · Jan 13, 2012

My dear Mindi
A profound analysis!
Perspective has to change with age. Or I would say, with experience. As we grow older, we are exposed to varied experiences and these experiences leave indelible impressions in our mind. We always tend to look at things happening around us in the light of impressions that we gather and store in our mind. We become more tolerant towards people and incidents that once roused us to fury in the light of these impressions. Take the Judges in a court of law. When a case is brought to their notice, they judge them not only by what is stated in the book of law but also by how it has been interpreted in similar cases in the past. They are cautious about punishing any accused if in a similar case in the past, the accused was acquitted.

You lament about having been judgmental. But look at the case of Sita Devi who belonged to the Treta Yuga when the moral and ethical standards were phenomenal. Even in such a Yuga, did not people become judgmental and cast aspersions on Sita's character merely because she was abducted and kept imprisoned by Ravana? And Lord Rama was more mindful of his position as a Ruler than of his knowledge of Sita and banished her.

Your being judgmental about your friend had no bearing on your friend's life but see how Sita,an epitome of virtue had to suffer merely because of some loose talk of a few irresponsible persons! What do we know about what people talk about us? Will their perspectives be as rounded as ours? God knows!
Sri

satchitananda · Jan 13, 2012

Hi Mindi,

A very interesting analysis. I think "growing up" provides us with an ability to look at people more dispassionately and objectively and to be aware that there are always many sides to a single story which we may not be aware of.

Apart from that, I guess we also learn from our own experiences - ones where we may have been pitted against others judging us from a different perspective or we wrongly judging someone else without knowing their truth. We may remember, realize and admit mistakes we made - if not openly, at least to ourselves - and realize how we might have been judged by others for them. A slow realization that there is no absolute truth in this world - only relative truths helps people become less judgmental. With this realization comes the ability to forgive others as well as ourselves for wrongs real or perceived.

Nothing can be more pleasurable than the ability to look at ourselves from the outside and to realize that we are slowly changing in a manner which to us appears to be for the better. It is a part of evolution.