Catholic - hindu married life - suggestions needed

Marriage in itself is never easy...add to it differences in language, castes, family customs and Religions..!

Question is (addressed to all women) and not just to any "hindu, Christin,,,etc" female....is

1-how are you ensuring that your identity and your family values, traditions pass on to the next generation??
2- how are you retaining your won identity...(not just changing the surname etc....)
3- Love can be blind, are you willing to stick your neck out AFTER 10 years of marriage when the initial sheen wears off ??
4- have you and your spouse discussed macro and micro issues over and above what religion to put in school register


P.S Gods grace..are you christian? just taking a guess from your login name:thumbsup

 

dear Serene,

I am a catholic married to a hindu. We married in both traditions n also registered the marriage in court. Hv 2 kids - did the hindu functions when they were born [to please his parents] n also baptized them [to please mine].

We decided to give our daughter a hindu name [since she was the first born] and my son has a christian name. Now, my daughter keeps pestering me as to why we didnt give her a christian name too [she feels it more "hep" !]. They use the surname of their father [though they hv every intention of suffixing my "anglicised" surname when they r adults !]

My husband was an atheist n decided to convert 3 years after getting married [he did this on his own free will - i had no role to play]. I was quite happy just to be married to him. He converted so that the family follows one religion n kids r not confused or feel awkward about their religion. We r regular church goers.

My in laws do not eat non-veg but my husband loves it [he experimented with it while he was in hostel n never looked back]. My inlaws hv no problem with our eating meat.

In Indian schools, u r asked to put down yr religion in the admission forms. dont know if u can leave that blank n even if u do the kids will be asked which religion they follow.

Kids usually follow the religion observed by their mother since she is the one closest to them n teaches them the first steps towards religion. Had I been a Hindu, I would have taught that to my kids.

It is more important to be happy in a marriage n make yr family also happy. When u get married to the person u love u want to do things to make him/her happy n not impose anything. My husband didn't impose anything on me and I too did the same. Our actions were more to please our parents n for the sake of convenience. We never thought of religion coming in the way when we got married n took the challenges as they came. Things got sorted out along the way. I have been happily married for more than 16 years now n hv known him for almost 20 !!

If both of you r happy - everything else will follow. All the very best for a successful n happy marriage !!

love,
kylie

 

Hey nor do I mean to offend you. But , you are going out of topic. Here the OP is asking opinion regarding her problem and you are talking about the secularism of religion and this will take differet direction. Though history books give many examples that is past and is done period. There are many Hindu kings who lost their kingdom because of their foolishness..sorry don't wanna go too far. What about now a days Hindus? Are they secular? If so why do the destroy the places of worship?

Sorry I don't intend to offend you , but somehow your comments can't stop me from commenting:hide:

 

Yes I am:2thumbsup:

 

Ssm,

My husband and I both feel that there is too much to God that we don't understand...it is a process of discovery as we go through our life experiences. we do not take the literal interpretations of either of our religions seriously. So he is not concerned whether I will go to hell nor do I worry if he is the man in all the 7 births. As we do not see a conflict in our beliefs we don't want our kids to be raised in any one faith. We want them to learn from both - the good and the bad and then come their own conclusions. Tomorrow if our kids choose to be atheists, that is fine...as long as they don't go telling others that they shouldn't be religious! That imposition is anathema to our beliefs. That's one reason why our children's religious instruction will come only from the two of us...there're too many weirdos with extreme views in both our religions and we don't want our kids to have to learn those.

That does bring some degree of conflict from the people around us (fortunately nothing from the family...but even if it did we are not the kind to be manipulated by anyone). And we use humor to deal with the situation. Knowing myself, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have entered into a relationship where there was even an iota of doubt about acceptance of my religious views. Plus, I like what my husband has taken from his religious upbringing...so I wouldn't dream of asking him to change.

I come from a very orthodox family...my grandparents could rival socialbee's mil...but my parents themselves were very relaxed...the one thing I do about my identity...come every religious festival I clean the house! I cook a nice meal with several courses and I light the lamp...that is what I got from the orthodoxy. My husband is against using real trees for christmas (which I really like) so we use fake trees he is religious but he is not an avid churchgoer. I am religious and I love to visit temples on the day they have special meals for prasad I associate nadhaswaram and suprabatham with happy auspiscious beginnings and I play these on special days. I hope to have our daughterlearn bharathanatyam and so had my husband sit thru one recital last December...for practice. He doesn't care that he doesn't know the language but he looks up videos on you tube to ask me questions. Neither of us can hold a tune so we hope the children will be able to sing...for the sheer pleasure of having a talent

I am a vegetarian and I can only cook veggie food...I don't know when meat is done and I have no intention of poisoning anyone by accident...he eats meat outside...though he prefers vegetarian food himself. Besides, if I were to start cooking eating non veg, my system doesn't have the necessary enzymes at this point...my sil turned veggie and now she can't eat meat. She gets sick even if there is a little bit of meat product in her food. Naturally kids will eat veg food...though if they choose to eat meat when they are older that is their choice.

Ultimately what works for us is that we don't evaluate ourselves based on our differences.

My mother was nothing like her mother, even though my father was from a similar background. My father couldn't be more different from my grandfather. They did get their fundamentals from their respective parents butvthey also evolved...times changed and they got to see the rights and wrongs differently. I wouldn't be surprised if our kids grew up and said, thank you but we'll carve our own way...as long as they are happy and kind and non judgmental, what does it matter?

As for the sheen, you think you know everything about a person...but you know what, there are always surprises!

 

Point well made....and Congragulations...Its very rare to have ZERO expectations of the other person 'falling in line' eventually...

....he he...I almost did a double take on reading this one and yep...read it more than once....

couldnt AGREE more... there are so many examples in real life about such surprises...In IL forum itslef where someone is proudly saying that he/ she has married a different religion person and is not expecting spouse to convert and has got kudos for the post....but the VERY SAME person has quoted in another forum in IL recently that he/ she is hoping for the spouse's soul to be saved..!! ( now it wouldnt take a scholar to understand what it means.....)

This is what I wanted to warn the Original poster about....to keep eyes open and take whatever decision keeping a larger period frame in mind.

 

I guess I phrased it the way I speak face to face... I don't know how to judge if meat is cooked or not.

When I talked about surprises, I meant that you never get used to that person...you think you know everything about him and plod along. But there are always moments when he takes you by surprise and you realize all over again the qualities which attracted you in the first place

My decisions are based on what is right for me...OP has to find what is right for her and go with it. I am fortunate that neither of our families interfere in our lives...we have both the super religious and the atheists...while they may argue amongst themselves (sibling rivalry) they have always understood that our decisions are just that-our own. Whatever their personal views about how we lead our lives it never comes up in our interactions or in the way we support one another in times of crisis. I don't care what they think of my religious views but I am thankful for their unconditional acceptance of the boundaries. I know how easily it could be otherwise.

 

If you are concerned about what "religion" will appear on the child's birth certificate, I think you have an option to leave it blank. So that shouldn't worry you too much.

I was in a similar situation to you, but I made it clear to my DH during our 7.5 courtship period that I love Christ with all my heart and soul and that my faith is a part of who I am. He has accepted me for it and chose to get married to me, but there have been a lot of issues created by his family and friends...for instance, people ask him why he comes to church with me and I don't go to temples, etc. Sometimes it takes a toll on our relationship, but I am weathering the storm with God's grace. Our relationship has a very sound foundation of love and that helps a lot in dealing with these issues.

We are expecting our first baby and, as agreed upon before marriage, the baby will be brought up in the christian faith. I am sure I will face opposition from ILs and even my own DH at times (because he tends to waver when others pressure him/mock him that he is henpecked!)...but am ready to face those issues. The point is, whatever you decide now before marriage does not necessarily mean you or your spouse will be able to stick to it post-marriage. If you have understanding ILs/relatives/friends who don't use the religion card to drive a wedge in your marriage, then you are fairly fortunate. If not, you must have the strength to face them without letting them affect your relationship with your spouse. In my case, I am firmly rooted in my faith and I set the expectations straight before marriage...yet, it has been difficult in everyday life when I have to face all kinds of "unfair", "rigid", "fanatic" accusations from all and sundry. But am glad I can stand by what I believe in without letting it get to us. Hope things work out for you.

 

Cj1980: From what I read your case is not same like OP's or even teacher's but very different. Whatever the reasons/justifications are, when one partner insists that the kid be brought up according to her/his religion, it's a lot different from OP's arrangement. In your arrangement ( hate me for saying this), problems from ILs are bound to be there. It's not unnatural or out of the world. I don't think anyone appreciates their son(and his offsprings) losing their religious identity after marrying a person from different faith. How would you feel if your child whom you plan to raise in Christian faith grows up and finds someone from a different faith, and then the other party plays the card you are playing now? Am I making sense? Sorry for being so direct but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.

I completely agree with the give/take attitude of OP (and even teacher -a formula demonstrated to be working perfectly), so I have nothing to add there.

 

Well said Bukbuk,,,

all religions are meant to be GOOD, but what I hate is when 2 people of very diff backgrounds meet and one says the other spouse or child HAS to follow ONLY one...then it doesnt make sense...

How can 1 person in a seemingly equal relationship dictate or ensure one's preference about child's religion, habits etc....

when I say 2 diff backgrounds, i dont mean just 2 diff religions, it can be 2 diff states, languages, castes etc etc...:hide:

1 rare couple i know---Catholic girl, Arab Muslim boy...boy converted, baptise got married in Church to please girl's side....girl agreed for baby to be born and Raised as MUSLIM for boy's parents sake..(he was only son..) AND they have named their first born baby girl with a HINDU name.....:thumbsup