carrying guilt for the past 5 years

Simplegirl1,

I am surprised at your quest to be perfect/pious/worthy of trust etc. Nobody is perfect. If you ask me, it's a lot better to be imperfect so there is no pressure on you.

If you let me sound a little dramatic, it's narcissistic to want to be perfect!

So get behind yourself and get comfortable with the feeling that you are not perfect. With that one thing, you will start to feel OK about yourself.

The truth is nobody is perfect. So what is the problem? Dunno if that helps. The virtue of being virtuous (all the time; in everything) is over rated and even unattainable.

 

Dear SimpleGirl,

I felt sad reading your post. See each and every person is different. In my case, I believe "honesty is the best policy" and would have told my DH before marriage itself and would have appreciated him telling me, if he had a past. My DH also has the same sort of attitude when it comes to being completely open. But the thing is dear, by God's grace we both are able to digest the truth about eachother. I am not trying to say that me and my DH are great people, its just that our personalities match in that respect and it works for us.

In your case, you should have told your DH before marriage. Even if you were uncomfortable going through all the intimate details, you could have atleast told it on a high level. But since you didnt do that, there is no point beating yourself about it now.

See EMA according to me is very very wrong, but pre marital sex is something which you did in that circumstance where you thought you were in a committed relationship. But unfortunately (or fortunately) that did not work. Your husband was not in the picture then, so you did not cheat on him. If this thing had happened after your marriage, I would have said it is completely wrong and would have told you to come clean. And in my opinion, one cannot compare pre marital sex with EMA or with someone who has a past criminal history. They are just not the same!

Now whether you should tell your DH? Only you know your DH, none of us do. If you have the slightest feeling that your DH will not be able to accept your past, then why simply tell him? Anyway there is nothing between you and your BF now and you love your DH so much, so please do not ruin your life and your marriage. Just think of this incident as a bad chapter in your life and focus your energy on your son and try to divert your attention to doing other things in the house when such thoughts come into your mind.

 

After I wrote the previous post. I just went back to your posts and reread some of them. Two of your posts disturbed me and made me come back to write something again.

I just thought, right now your DH is very loving etc and I am sure he will continue to be so. But just think from a different angle for a second.

You see, your DH doesnt know your past, so he is not going to understand why you are being extra nice. If a major issue crops up between you and you DH, and you allow him to shout at you when you are not at fault, he may take advantage of that situation. Like, if he shouts at you 20 times when you are not wrong, then the 21st time, you will not be able to defend yourself. This is one way how wives become doormats.

(I am not instigating that your DH will do this, but just saying so that in the process of repenting, you dont cause problems for yourself)

Be extra nice to him only because you want to be and not because of your past. Try doing things that he loves and put a smile on his face. But for major issues, dont bend over backwards and keep quite even when you are right.

 

It is your life and you should decide what sort of action you would like to take without ruining your life

 

Naksh,
There is nothing wrong with hnu's post.
She is expressing her view and it is an excellent suggestion that she is making to be 100% honest with a potential partner before the marriage decision is made. Its a good honest view despite whether it makes anyone including the OP uncomfortable or not.

I understand in this case - the decision is being discussed post-marriage, and hence I havent made any comment in this thread. I have a dilemma on what to suggest the OP, and I want to refrain from providing advice to OP in this case. I hope she makes her own decision with help from other IL-ites with varying opinions offered to her.

Some people may think 'white'-lies and "smaller"-dishonesty are ok and it may not alarm them as much as it does for some of the others.

But for some people any dishonesty is alarming. Period. They cannot trade off on dishonesty to get happiness and they do not feel it is a 'small' price to pay for 'current' happiness.
Let both views be posted without edits in this thread.

PS:
I think your suggestion to "not disclose" also was done in arbit's thread, and we probably had different viewpoints there too

 

Oh yes right...we had different view points there too okay i edited my note.