carrying guilt for the past 5 years

hi,please dont reveal this matter to ur husband and lose him.it is best to forget about the past and go with ur new life.

 

hi dear

i too feel that you should forget everything bout your past coz it can ruin your present and future as you said that ur hubby can't digest it. listen dear you have a loving and caring husband, a child so pls dont spoil your life. that person cheated you ....how you felt at that time? miserable naa.....i am sure you dont want to make you husband feel that way.



dear i know when somebody loves you so much and is very truthful to you your past must be bothring you and making you feel guilty....but dear one who loves you so much give him only love and forget the one who brought tears to your eyes coz telling the truth would hurt your husband ...and dear dont forget bout your child

your child is living in such a good and happy environment ....telling the truth would affect him coz he will sense tha change in homely environment....and that is not good for him too


if you didnt say anything before marriage then dont say it now. just think that after marriage this is you new life


remember if your past is bitter JUST FORGET IT.

 

Dear Simple girl,

myview would : suppose you had an accident what would have happened. think it in that way- you met with an accident [ the affair & physical relationships] and parted ways as he was ready to take/share responsibilty.what a type he was. now married and settled for 5 years. i know that scars cannot be wiped out immediately. You need not tell this to your hubby dear. Scars in due course will slowly get wiped.hence pl pl pl do not feel it as guilt. this sort of situation only the female folks think. let us asume say after many many years if your husband comes to know and questions. there is nothing to feel sad or depressed. At present our society is following the patriarchial way. there were times when our society was matriarchial. hence when the bubble breaks you can always march ahead separately. the thin line cannot be wiped out. you will have to bear then. why not bear it now with a bright view as you have a good soul to take care.Think positive and be an optimistic

nityakalyani

 

Hi I find it very strange people that so many people are encouraging dishonesty (in-case you dont know deliberate omission of fact is dishonesty) in a relationship like marriage. I think every person has every right to know all about the past of the person they choose to marry. What if you have been infected with HSV or any other infection of which you were not aware of, you would pass it on to your potential partner. How would you feel if you come to know that your husband had a past criminal record that he did not tell you about. You are what you are because of your past. If past was not so important why do we need detailed resume for even getting a simple job, why do need to give so many details to get a visa for any country even they look at your past. Moreover even in the west past sexual history is very important before even a relationship let alone marriage. I would definitely not encourage it and would request you to take responsibility of your actions and face the situation as a honest and truthful person. If you could trust your boyfriend with so much I am sure you should be in a position to trust your loving caring husband and your marriage unless these are also as weak as your past relationship. I know this is not a easy step but the right path is never the easy one. Wishing you all the best with whatever you finally decide to do.

 

Good Luck SimpleGirl. Hope everyhting resolves and you find peace.

 

I think these are perfectly valid concerns expressed well. However, I don't think the responses to the OP are geared towards encouraging dishonesty. Not mine anyway. I did not address whether she should tell her husband.That is entirely up to simplegirl. I am more interested in the roots of the feelings of "disgust" and so on, which I feel are unwarranted.
If I may speak briefly for the other responses, I do not think the idea is to encourage deception - on the whole I have found the posts on this site, including yours, remarkably thoughtful and restrained. The responders in this case are trying to find a path to the most positive outcome, given the situation as it presents itself now. They are trying to say that we are not merely our past.
'Doing the right thing' may destroy a minimum of three lives.Such a confession could be seen as an act of narcissism - as if assuaging her own guilt were more important than anything else. I can imagine a scenario in which the husband thinks "I wish she had never told me - we were happy". The danger of STDs and so on are very real, but simplegirl seems to have been lucky there, and that concern can be allayed independent of a confession.

 

At the risk of flogging a dead horse:
It struck me that my use of the word “beautiful” may be misleading. Let me re-phrase that with the following: the previous relationship “remains what it always was..”. It is your changing perceptions which dictate your emotions. What do I mean by that?
There is a Buddhist parable, designed to illustrate that our perceptions often create our “reality”. It goes something like this:
You enter a dark room. You see a snake on the floor. You panic, your heart beats faster, you are fearful. You turn on the lights. You see then that what you thought was a snake was merely a coiled length of rope. Your fear vanishes. You smile at your own fear.
The idea of this story is to show that fear (or other emotion) often arises out of misperception. The light of awareness is necessary to properly perceive reality. The rope remains what it always was. It is our perception that changes. It is our use of labels that alters our reality.
In this case, it is perfectly OK for you to say: if I had to do it over again, I would not make the same choice. It is less fruitful to be filled with guilt and profound regret for a choice made in good faith. Even now, the prior relationship "remains what it always was" - if "beautiful" then, it remains so now..

 

Dear hnu, what you said was right....but we are not searching for the right answer.we are searching for an answer which will not affect her married life.is honesty that important so as to sacrifice your family life,specially when you have a kid?In the process of wiping away our guilt, we are passing some unwanted feelings/sadness to other person.In the real world...honesty is not always the best policy.It holds good as long as it does not affect the other person involved emotionally/mentally.
about infections...if it is a cause for concern,one can go for routine annual check up,where they take blood tests,protein tests etc.
I agree that it would have been a better idea to reveal all this before marriage itself without going into details...but what is over,is over.No use crying over spilt milk.The bond of relationships is tied with a delicate thread...once broken,can never be mended.I still stand by what I said...

Edit.I want to give an example to simple girl...my own example..just to make you strong.I was pursued by a boy during my graduation.Although I told him umpteen number of times that it will not work and my expectations out of life are different from his,he was still persistent.His simple nature won my heart.unfortunately the relation did not work out.When my marriage was fixed,I was told by my parents not to reveal this.However,I did not want to start my relation like this...so I told him the truth.my fiancée just laughed it off saying I'm not worried about your past,more concerned about your present and future.I was very happy and thought my husband is so nice.After marriage,I came to know that he too loved someone...this he did not tell me.When I asked him why he did not tell me,at least when I told him...he said "I never asked you..you told me yourself.anyway,I'm least bothered about my past and yours...what is more important is today...if we love each other or not"
What I'm trying to tell you is ...of what use is the past?I fool told my past to him,he still laughs about it to me.Now,it holds no relevance in our lives...we are not ashamed of it,it is a part of our past,that's it.
Coming to you....if at all you decide to tell your husband...catch hold of some movie where the heroine is in a similar situation and ask your husband if she is right in doing so.you will know his views.But I feel you are so guilty and naive...that if he tells she is wrong,you will start hating yourself more.so better forget all this.my sincere advice...

 

I support the line of thought going here, do not reveal your past and overcome the guilt.