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Career Or Marriage?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Mynahshrivatsav, Jun 27, 2016.

  1. Mynahshrivatsav

    Mynahshrivatsav New IL'ite

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    My name is Mynah. I come from a middle class family. I was working as a junior resident in MMC when I got this marriage proposal. Bridegroom side had come to see me in my home. Lets call him Wahil.
    So myself and Wahil liked each other and marriage date was fixed. We both got really close through phone contact.
    I was wishing to pursue higher education after marriage in Psychiatry field. He seemed supportive. He used to encourage me to study hard.
    Later, after a month after my engagement, Wahil's mother one day heard about my future plan to be a psychiatrist. And she was against the idea.
    She insisted on stopping my pursuing of higher education as family life is important.
    Then she told that I should concentrate on cooking and household chores. Also I should look for a job near their home.
    She also went as far as telling me that I should get conceived soon after marriage as they are so keen to see their grandchild.
    Also there were so many other restrictions like how I should dress and all.
    One day he got a watch for my birthday, she got so jealous that she scolded me for taking gifts even before marriage. That they are traditional family and they dont tolerate all this.
    Another time me and Wahil had a fight over some simple matter and she scolded me very badly for making 'her baby cry'.
    I was very terrified to hear all these and I discussed about this with Wahil. But Wahil only said that he loves his mother a lot and he dont want to be on bad terms with her. And if I love him, I should make few compromises for him.
    He asked-"cant you give up your career for me? ". I was totally distressed and I sought my parents advise.
    As we are from conserved family, they advised me to adjust with inlaws and everything will work out in the end. I dont know what to do...
    Should I give up my career for him or should I leave him and pursue my career? Please advise me.. Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2016
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  2. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Girl, run! You are not married yet! So, break it off! Convince your parents you are doing the right thing, it is better to break it off before getting married than getting a divorce.
    I am not saying you should run from all other men who say they love their mother. But there are men who take their wife's side to accommodate more than often. If your would-be isn't supportive of your aspirations or just tells you that you have to compromise even before marriage, what is the point of you compromising everything? Just for the security of being married?
     
  3. Lxcxxz

    Lxcxxz Senior IL'ite

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    This isn't just about your career or 'adjusting'. She seems jealous of you and determined to make it her mission to put you in your place, with your partner's support it seems.

    It's up to you what to do next. I personally wouldn't have gotten engaged without getting to know the man & his family first. Now you are it could make your family look bad to end it. Consult with them properly, tell them you are seriously considering ending the engagement/not sure to continue, and see what they say.
     
    blindpup10 likes this.
  4. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    No one should have to choose between a career and family. Will your fiance leave his career if he loves you? No? Then same applies to you. You should be the one deciding whether you want to have a career or not. You and your partner should decide when to have a baby. If your fiance is a "baby" now, he will always be a baby. Are you willing to take his mother's commands for years? Marriage is n a one day thing you will be stuck for years if not forever. Don't get marry for the sake of getting married. Follow your heart, make your dreams come true and you will find your life partner on the way.
    Good luck!
     
  5. ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    this is an indian arranged marriage I'm assuming and yeh sub chalta hai inlaws story but the key point is u want to study further and he doesn't want u to this is a major clash u will always be miserable . break it off find someone who has the same goals as u but a conservative family i know how that works!! talk to ur parents or just compromise.
     
    Sabitha likes this.
  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    There will be more and better opportunities in the future marriage proposals for you....move on with your studies.

    You should appreciate this young man's honesty and at least he is making demands clear before the marriage.
     
  7. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    God is giving you ALL signals girl - and you're still confused? If higher studies is what you want to do, you should pursue it - no one should be able to tell you no . When you are in love, everything will seem lovey dovey - but once you are married, you are stuck to this guy. Tell your parents clearly the reasons for the split - that you cannot compromise on higher studies.
    In an effort to save the rishta, both parties may agree - but there are good chances that they will change their stance once you are married . I can almost hear your fiance tell his mom "Mom , agree to everything. Once she is married then we have her trapped. We can force her to do whatever we want". Think hard and clear and run while you can.
     
    yellowmango likes this.
  8. Talcum

    Talcum New IL'ite

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    Hello there,

    This is a big red flag ! Run far away from this guy and his family. You are lucky that this has happened before marriage and you are seeking advice. This is 21 st century, so forget about your conservative background. Go through the agony of breaking up the engagement now and save yourself a big heartache and screwed up life in future. If you are a doctor, try to marry someone in your field as they will be more understanding. Always study the relationship between the grooms parents before you say yes to anyone. If their relationship is screwed up, then the chances of your relationship getting in trouble should not come as a surprise to you. Kids learn what they see and grow up.

    Take care
     
  9. Aish2804

    Aish2804 New IL'ite

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    What does ur heart say mynah?
    Wahil or pg? Whatever the answer may be, give up other things.
    Marriage is a different story altogether. We are in a society where u hav to do ur duties as a wife dil mother , whomsoever u marry this won't change.
    Either finish ur studies and get married or get married , accept the fact it wud take time to settle down in ur career.
    I guess u r marrying someone from the same profession. Its obvious that grooms mom will be so demanding. u definitely need ur parents support to hav a strong career.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This man and his mother will fill your life with regret and tears. The love you feel for him will curdle into bitter poison very soon .Don't give up your life and dreams for him ...he is not worth it.Tell him if he loves you,he will support your dreams and not emotionally blackmail you with 'if you love me drama'.

    Since it is an arranged rishta...tell him you care too much about him and do not want to turn your marriage into one big regret later in life.Tell your parents you have an intuition you will not be happy and that will make them unhappy.You don't want to see them unhappy.
     
    nuss likes this.

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