Career\Eldercare & second kid Please suggest

dishamass · Oct 17, 2008

Hi Wise ladies,

My name is disha walking the earth since 32 years have a lovely 3 year old kiddo .I was silient reader of this wonderful site.this is my first post.I have been in US for 5 years now & will tentatively move to india in 2010.My confusion is whether to have second kid or not.My life is wonderful with loving husband ,kid & peaceful career.I always wanted a single child But every time my kid ask for brother\sister i feel guilty.She is very friendly disciplied & good kid in daycare. I wanted to do analysis before deciding,i listed down my priorities.

The pratical problems are

1.I just changed my Career from IT to HR this year & started working on H1.(recap-I has masters in CS & had worked as Java developer for 5 years back in India,took break after having kid in US & shifted to less demanding time job ,i work as TR Manager managing a offshore Technical Recruiter team in India remotely here).I still need to get stabilize in my New Job.Sometimes i don't like this non technical job,but sticking to it as it works well for my family responsibilities.I worked for this boss earlier,he offered this job after 2years break.He is too kind.

2.If i wait for 1 year & have kid & go back to india in 2010,it will be tough.My inlaws may not allow me to work till the baby is 2-3 years,its not possible to convince them.I dont want to be stay at home mom with inlaws & relatives next door.I will be doormat.My MIL is too dominant.she will make my life hell.

3.Even if i plan for second kid there will be no help as both side parents cannot travel & getting help here is too costly.already 1 kid is going for full time daycare.Its too costly to put 2 kids in daycare.If i leave my job & put my kid in pre school (public)i can manage,but i will not be happy without job.Its very tough as we will be relocating to India in 2010.Its too confusing......:hide:

Advantages
1 My kid will have a company in her growing years & add to her personalities.
2.She will have sibling for emotional supoort when we are gone from world.

My husband is too busy in his work,whenever i ask him he will says lets see later....i guess he is hesitant to take more responsibilities...If i am convinced ,i can get him convinced. i listed down my priorities & reiterated many times but still not able to come to conclusion.Second kid will be totally a financial,physical & emotional burden to my present situation.But i feel very guilty whether i am doing justice to my kid.She keeps asking very often.No matter how much ever we engage her she is more happy in home where there are more kids.

This is killing me....Wise ladies please help..i have already read couple of thread on second child.

Please help...awaiting your valuable response

Ria2006 · Oct 17, 2008

Hi Disha,

I am sure many more will pour in their advices and suggestions.

For my mind, I think you should go ahead and plan second kid. There are lot of other factors which are slipping out in addition to job. Your age to carry a baby , both of your'S energetic span of life and your daughters ' desire to have sibling.

Life will always have what-if situations to throw at us. we need to make the most of what we have and find our peace in it. I seriously dont understand why women feel so double minded while slowing down their career for something as precious as baby. I am myself working for 10 years now. And I wouldn't blink an eye before I quit this job to support bigger vision for my family. My reasons, at different stages of life , our priorties must change. There is no hard and fast rule for professional milestones. We indulge in professional endevaours to experience life , not other way around. So figure out what makes your vision of long term life and follow it.

Ria

drjp · Oct 17, 2008

Disha,
a couple more points you did not mention:
- you will get your time. you do not have to be your child's playmate all the time!! She will have one all the time at home.
- both kids will learn a lot about conflict resolution when they are quite young!!

I have two kids; first one year after I had my second child was the most difficult and stressful because I did not take a break in my career. Now, all I have to do is make sure they are fed, dressed and get their homework done. Ofcourse, I still play with them but that is optional and real treat for them. They play with each other and I get some ME time .

I agree with Ria on other points on timing etc.

MrsV · Oct 18, 2008

Hi Disha,

Welcome to IL!!

If finances are in place and you and your hubby are doing well, I think another kid would be great. Because your siblings are the only people you are connected to from your past, be with you during your present and God willing in the future as well - believe it or not, siblings no matter how much they distance themselves from each other for whatever resons, they know that they are connected.. raise them well and raise them right, and you will forever be blessed..

dishamass · Oct 18, 2008

Thank you MrsV,drjp & Ria.I feel lil bit relieved.
My only problem is my MIL.I vision to have two kids but my MIL will make my life hell when i go back.I dont want to be a depressed Mother to my kids.I dont have issue in taking break from career if required.I am not too career minded.I am scared of my MIL tactics.She is too manipulative.I hate being at home with her & defend from her entire day tortured by her tactics.She will not let me work till the kid becomes 2-3 years for sure.

How do i handle deal this?Basically i want to work to have my space from a Dominant joint family when i go back...Please Pour in your valuable opinion

oaktree · Oct 18, 2008

Hi Disha,
Is the option of staying seperately in India totally closed? You can stay nearby mil's house or stay on seperate floors of same building. If your mil is bad then she will make you feel bad whether you have one kid or two. If you really donot want to stay at home you can put the kids in day care or work part time. Or if career is not a priority then you can be a housewife. You can discuss with your hubby about your insecurity of going back to India and fear of not able to live as per your desire in mil's house. Looks like your mil has dominated you a lot when you were in India so you are afraid that in 2010 too same thing will happen which now you resist. If so then its up to you only to gather courage and start saying NO to mil for her bad actions. It takes courage to stand up and put limits to acceptable behaviour from others. May be if you could explain all these things to your hubby then he can explain to his mom that things are going to be different if you people go back to India permanently this time.
If you want to stay at home and raise kids then instead of making job an escape from joint family politics , you should start voicing your opinion. it sure will bring fireworks from mil's side but if your hubby is understanding I think it can be achieved over a period of time.

Regards
Oaktree

SoaringSpirit · Oct 20, 2008

Hi Disha,

Looks like your personal choice is to have a second kid. Great! I totally support it. Nothing like a sibling to play with and to share a bond with!

As for your worries about having a hard time staying all day with your MIL. Sure, these are real concerns and it is good that you are thinking about them ahead of time.

Like Oaktree suggested, discuss some of your concerns with your husband. If you are not comfortable discussing issues about his Mom, at least discuss with him that you would like to work even after the baby is born and together try to figure out how to deal with it.

You could hire a full time help to take care of your baby. Your MIL can oversee the help but she need not do anything for the baby if she does not want to. You of course have the option of a day care/creche if you are okay with it. You could may be try to look for a part-time job for the first year or two and go full time after that. Part time jobs are not very easy to come by so don't get your hopes high. Keep your options open.

Like you have mentioned in your post, you'd rather be a happy Mom to your child than a one that is there full time but is in a bad mood. It makes perfect sense. Now that you know that you'd want to be a happy Mom to your baby, keep that as your highest priority. Don't get confused thinking about how you could be home taking care of the baby, or whether it is right to leave the baby in someone else's care or what your MIL will say etc. Take care of your mental health and happiness first. The rest you can deal with if your mind is at peace.

As regards to what your MIL will tell you, just learn to ignore. Sometimes speak your mind and your views in a nice and calm manner. But when you know that her opinion about you and what you do is not going to change, don't expect that she will stop bothering you. In your heart clearly know the reasons for which you chose to work and be comfortable with the arrangements you make for your baby. If need be, write them down so that on days when you question your decision you can go back and review your reasons for choosing this way.

Everyone has their view of right and wrong. And everyone does things in a different manner. So don't get too bogged down by what others say. Ultimately if you cannot have peace of mind, no matter how right everyone calls you does not matter. So make the judgement yourself, analyze you reasons for it and stand by your decision. If you do these, you will most likely be able to tide over the low days when everyone is pointing fingers at you.

Good luck for your decision making.

SS

kolli143 · Oct 21, 2008

Hi Disha,
I think having siblings is a bliss. There will be always someone in this world for your first kid to trust on if you give her a sibling.
Why do you have hard and fast rules like going back to India for good in 2010? Why can't you go back in 2012 or 2013. Does 2 or 3 yrs make that much of a difference in your move? That would fix all your issues right? You can take a break from your work and take care of kids here for these 2 or 3 yrs and you can go back and work in India as well. Thats just one way of adjusting your schedules.

Coming to your MIL, stop getting scared about her. What is she goign to do if you don't listen to her. May be rant more words against you right? As long as its not physical abuse, you can take it by putting some plugs in your ears and ignore. Over the years I have learned to totally agree and say yes to everything my mil has to say to me, but I do what I think is good. There is not point in thinking twice or pulling your hair over what they think or what they mean or how you think they should treat you. Practice to be your self, don't argue, don't fight and don't give up your life. If you can talk back, tell her what you think firmly just like SS said in her post.
I strongly think that your decision to have a baby should depend on your health, your career goals and your financial position - not on your mil. If I were you I will have a baby here in US before moving to India, find a job in India and then move or atleast find a job in India after I move and found good day care of home caring options for my children. You have to be a role model for you kids. Always remember that and take decisions in that point of view.
Good luck.
-Swathi

dishamass · Oct 22, 2008

:bowdown Thank you oaktree,SS & swati for your valuable sugesstion.I feel so much better now.

We have to go back to india in 2010 because my husband is the only son (two sis are married) & has to take care of his parents.They are not ready to come here.Staying back here for couple of years more is ruled out.We already have pressure to go back.I too want to be with them & take care of them.I like my FIL.i am sure my kid will have good time with him.

I cannot tell about MIL to my husband because he will not like to listen anything against his mom.Mine is love cum arranged marriage & i am very close to my hubby but when it comes to his mom...he does not like...i guess he knows she is manipulative but never agrees...

If i would not have second baby life is very lovely clear & simple.I can be independent with job & take care of my Inlaws needs & kid too.But 1 more addition,i will be messing up everything (except sibling for my daughter). MY SIL leaves next door & married for 9 years & childless so my MIL\ SIL will not at all allow me to work for 2-3 years that's for sure.I am sure they will be able to brainwash my husband on this.

Coming to part time job\work from home job,its not easy in India to get one.I need to still think which career path to choose for my family needs,i cannot go for J2ee development..it will be long hours (9-7 )in Bangalore with atleast 2 hours commute...i have to still figure out work-life balance job...I was thinking if i leave the corporate world & join a school as high school CS teacher it may work out,as i will go & come back at 3.30 home with my elder child.but for this too i need to wait for 2-3 years.

I am more worried about stay -at home for 2-3 years With MIL\SIL than anything .Else my long term plan is clear.I want to go back to India to support both side parents,have work-life balance job & raise two kids.

I am sure right from cooking ,shopping,socializing ,raising kids MIL will interfere & dominate ,compare & Rule. she wil never agree for full time help for baby...she will say we raised so many kids we never took any help bla bla....it goes on:spin...My husband is too cool....he says...you will have help of loving MIL\SIL to take care of baby ,relax for 2 years,upgrade your skill & resume after 2-3 years.....so simple for him....(When my husband is around my MIL \SIL act very friendly....)

well..Conclusion is I have to work to be happy mom but cant work till kid is 2-3 years ... Its like a deadlock situation....

Help me solve this puzzle friends....I feel so happy to have your supoort in resolving this issue....Have a cheerful Blessed Day!

SoaringSpirit · Oct 23, 2008

Hi Disha,

I understand that you may be pressured to stay home full time if demands from your job are very high in terms of time commitment and such.

Knowing that the field you are in today does not afford you the work-life balance that you are looking for and knowing that long term you do intend to change from your current field of work to some other field that affords you a more balanced life, why don't you start exploring right now what that balanced field is.

You have another 1.5 or more years to move back to India. You have the freedom and the time right now. You do not have the added responsibility of another kid as of now. So how about you use this opportunity and time to figure out what is it that will be a long term work option for you. It takes time to figure out what other thing you may like to, if you have the skills to take it up etc. If need be, you can also get yourself prepared in terms of taking up a course or some education in the area that you desire to move to. Any change in career is a slow and steady process. It takes time. While you have the time minus the pressure, why not think and work towards your long term goals?

May be then by 2010 when you ready to move back to India, you will be in a position to have a job that will let you maintain a work-life balance and so you may not be forced to be home full time. It will also be easier to convince your husband about it then.

How about trying this?

Good luck.
SS