Care Of Old Parents In Dysfunctional Families

I think you should give back what you received (the positives)- if your parents ensured you had a roof and food, you should ensure the same. If you did not receive affection, you cannot be expected to make everyday calls/annual trips and gifts. Do the bare minimum just like they did and it is better - no fights, no drama this time around.
You cannot be held responsible for your siblings’ success or failure. You cannot be expected to subsidize the difference in your lifestyle and theirs.

Sometimes, you succeed in life/are happy not because of your parents and family but inspite of them. You did better than what they hoped for you/provided you with. Other siblings/ family members might still be where they were/ worse - while you should treat them with love and affection (things don’t change just because of what you have managed to make/achieve), your family has no business pinning all their failures and frustrations on you! So basically, we thought you wouldn’t amount to much and resent that you actually did? Your friend should treat herself to some self love.

 

Good observation. It is also true that parents were much younger and made a clear concise decision to find a match for the girl when she got married. The lady was also taught to be a hard worker, learn to live with what she has, and to be happy with her life.

 

Parents' behavior, and wanting some manner of reparations (money from daughter) seems very logical to me:

1. Because the girl cost them a lot (in those days a rupee was real money too) at the wedding, and the consequence was the lack of --that much-- money to properly prepare the boys to support the parents in their old age.
2. Because the girl was wheatish, she refused to marry her maternal uncle, thus saving the family money they could'a used to prepare the boys to support the parents in their old age.
3. Because she hadn't been born a boy, who could'a fetched much money in dowry because he'd have been wheatish also, and the parents could'a prepared him well for life, she ruined the family by bleeding their meagre money, which they could'a used to prepare the boys to support the parents in their old age.
4. Because ...yada yada... we now have suffer daily facetime with two good for nothing idiots ... who got that way since we spent all our money in a wedding and didn't have any more to prepare these idiot boys to support the parents in their old age.

Catch that refrain chorus ?

That lament could go on and on.... with the conclusion on how she ruined the chances for the boys who'd have grown up to support their parents in old age.

Sufficiently logical.... in a grim, perverted sort of way. The amount the daughter has to pay in reparations can be estimated using the same algorithm that courts use for monetary compensation for damages caused.

 

Very true Soka. I would extend that quote along the lines of "All men are equal, some more than the others" and say, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, some more than the others".

 

Rihana, I can absolutely feel your friend's pain. It is something that she will have to consciously work on and it is certainly going to take a long while, before she can either see the lack of logic in her parents' behaviour and let them be or get over the pain of rejection for no fault of hers.

 

With this mentality many people will justify this perverted sort of way - the society perpetuates family's dysfunction in India. The best thing for your friend is to find a therapist to make her whole again and cut all the ties with her "no good" family. If they brought her into this world, it is their duty to provide for her and settle her. If they had tight financial situation, they didn't have to produce more kids. In today's world, the girl would have become their son. I am truly appalled to hear how many people believe that you have children to take care of the parents in the old age. What ever happened to the pure unconditional love? You do things because you love without expecting a return? Unexpected return is the gift of your love. Love is not spoiling your children; provide them to the best of your abilities, teach them right from wrong, to be compassionate yet strong and motivated and give them a happy childhood; teach them survival skills and to let them know you are always there for them. Children draw strength from their childhood when they encounter difficult times in their lives. Parent's behavior has a long lasting impact on a child. Therefore, childhood is very important.

Even suggesting that she marry uncle shows they didn't have the best interest in heart for their daughter. Genetically, it is a "no" "no". Just having children does not make them parents, even animals have offspring that they struggle to protect.

Even a parent must respect grown adult children to get respect. Children are not their "property". What they are doing is a pure abuse which your friend allows to continue.

 

No disrespect to you friend Rihana

I am using this as example the daughter can cut all ties , just return back gold and plot which she got on wedding.

Sons should just return back any higher education expenses , wedding expenses , any property , that would be good before lecturing parents not to expect anything from children.

Most of us gladly take inheritances and give all the lecture on unconditional love