Care Of Old Parents In Dysfunctional Families

I want to bring all your attention to something called Narcissistic parents.

In my case, my dad was Narcissistic , my mom was his silent enabler. My sister was the scapegoat always and I was in a way their golden child. My sister rebelled, did things that didn't conform to what my dad believed was the right thing. BUT, maybe my dad was a good father - he provided for us, took care of us, sacrificed a lot for us - YET, he constantly reminded us of it. Every sentence began with "I have sacrificed so much so that you can have a good life...".

I became the golden child only because I was the younger one and figured out what NOT to do and avoid my dad's anger. My sister never figured it out and remained the scapegoat. Over the years, my dad has played dirty tricks to keep me and my sister apart. It was too late by the time we figured it out - she still resents me.

As we grew up, got married and our spouses were also dragged into the comparison game. My sisters husband was constantly belittled, mine was shown as the epitome of good son-in-law. But they never treated my spouse with respect either - it was only to show in front of my sister.

And like I said earlier, I could see what my dad was doing, but I could never stop it for fear of being shunned by him. He treated my mom like crap. Constant verbal abuse. 3 years back - my mom went into depression . Dad claimed she was "acting". My sister took care of mom, but sister's resentment of me was clear - she did everything to prove to my mom and dad that their golden child was far away abroad and only she,whom they had mistreated all these years, was there to take care of them. I was helpless. I didn't have the spine or resources to relocate back to India. My mom again got caught up in between dad and sister's drama and finally broke down. She killed herself on a Monday morning.

You would think dad would improve after that? NOPE . Narcissists want all attention to themselves. He made my mom's death ALL about him . Contorted stories of how my mom was his "soulmate" and how she was HIS EVERYTHING . Told people that he treated her like a goddess. Suddenly her depression was a real medical condition, not her "acting" like he had been telling me.

People fell hook line and sinker. I still could see through the sympathy-mongering, but I still cant stand up to him and call him a liar on his face . I still hesitate thinking "Whats the point?". Dad blamed everyone BUT himself for her depression and suicide. My sister did the same - blamed dad and never analyzed how she contributed it herself. I Blame no one but myself for having thrown my mom to the wolves.

Sister and dad fought it out. Now dad is alone , in his house. Sister refuses to talk to him. I am here wondering what more. I brought dad here to take care of him. I PUT up with his constant dramas. Never said a word. Every time he mentioned mom and one of his fantasy stories of how he took care of her, I wanted to rage and yell at him. I didnt. It finally got to me and I went to a psychiatrist. It helps, but when dad is around - I feel like a balloon ready to explode. I dont know if I ever will. I still think "Moms soul would never forgive me if I too abandon him".

And the truth is, my dad is not a bad father. He REALLY did do everything for us. Saved a lot of money inspite of his struggles, gave us everything we needed , helped me and my sis financially during our house construction etc. YET, he is a narcissist. Identifying his traits have helped me bring some logic to his behaviour. It is unpardonable, but now I also understand his thought process. How he is incapable of thinking in a different way.How it is too late for me to try and correct him. So I just go with the flow. I bring him here for 6 months and the rest of the 6 months he is alone back home . he still says "I have no one. " and I want to ask "I am here. I have done so much to make sure you have a support system. Why wont you ever acknowledge that?" . But I dont ask . There is no point.

I am sorry I regressed from the topic. But the point I want to make it is, it may not be our "duty" to look after parents who have mentally agonized us, but if we can do it - it probably is the right thing to do. I am still figuring that part out.

 

What you are doing is certainly not easy and requires tremendous courage of conviction. Hugs to you and may you find your peace.

 

Winterhue, so much of agony. I am so sorry for you. You are really strong because you are taking care of your father in spite of all the pain you have. You want to explode on him, but you respect him, love him. I can understand. I can relate because I can see this trait in my father too. I am just sorry your mother fell apart. Just be strong for yourself. As much as you feel bad for her, whatever you are doing is right, you are taking care of him. Talking sense into him at this age will not do any good for him or you. But I am sure inside he must be dying for what he did to her. His guilt is enough punishment for him. Don't be hard on yourself.

 

I have great admiration for you; be strong and god bless you. Not everyone can handle the way you did; that is remarkable.

To say, "right thing to do" will make people who take a different choice to feel that they are doing something wrong. One cannot generalize what is right or wrong, because each one's situation is different and every person's ability to handle things are not the same. Some people can go into depression and commit suicide; putting people into guilt trip doesn't help/solve anything.

You did say "if" - if they can do it that is great, if not don't make that right or wrong.

 

This morning, when I went for my walk, I was talking to an 89 year old man. He always comes at 6 am for his walk. Last couple of weeks, he has been having difficulty walking.

This morning he was telling me that they have to move from the apartment because of the new "no smoking" policy. His wife is 91 and they are married for 62 years.

I was telling him to move in with one of his children instead of finding another apartment. His reply, "you know, I have 4 kids, I had nothing but I worked very hard to raise them and all are college educated. Don't get me wrong, I love my children very much and I am a lucky guy that they love me also. They all have their lives and their problems. I don't want to add one more to it."

The fact is how he thinks.
BTW, the grandma is going to turn 92 next month; still, bakes cookies for her grandchildren.

 

India is changing for good. Better late than never!
Andhra Pradesh: IAS officer to spend only Rs 18,000 on son’s wedding - Times of India

 

Salute to that old man!

God forbid but what happens when one of them is no more, when one gets dementia, when one has a hip fracture, or the myraid of things that old age brings on , can he help it?

 

@winterhue, wow you are putting up with so much .

My 2 cents of honest thoughts

You should , not ask but tell him .Tell him that you are there , his support and it hurts you that he doesnt acknowledge that.
He may not agree, but you have to tell him .

Perhaps you should reflect why? you are no longer dependent on him, why do you fear him shunning you? and is it that fear that is enabling him?

We owe it to our parents to love and care for them. But we also owe it to ourself not to le anyone abuse us even emotionally.
You may think that he is so old, hard for him to change, let him be, why stir the pot now?
But you should. Because one day he will be gone, and you will still feel anger against him even as you grieve. Get the hate out now so you can forgive him.

 

He is my inspiration to walk.

I asked him the same - he smiled and gave me a very simple answer. "I started with nothing, but, I made it. If I worried about it, I would have wasted too much time not making it. Things have a way of working themselves out. It is what it is, I am thankful for this day, who knows I may not be here tomorrow; I had good 62 years, what more can I ask?”

Then he went on to tell me - “I had two goals in my life, to raise my children well and save something for my care at the old age. I used to work 16 hours a day. My children call us every day without fail and I don’t want to disrupt their busy lives. They have enough to worry about without me being there. We can always get help or they will find one for us.”

One thing astonishing about him is that every morning he smiles and says “hi sweetheart”. If I miss a day, he always asks me “is everything ok?” Not just me, to everyone who walks in the morning. We all watch out for him. He brags about his children as to how well they are doing and he is very proud of his children. I can feel the accomplishment and satisfaction in his voice.

 

It's important to make sure, however, that care giving doesn't come at the expense of our own emotional and physical balance.