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Care Of Old Parents In Dysfunctional Families

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rihana, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    :roflmao:
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana animals gained "knowledge" by watching Adam&Eve, without having to suffer guilt. That was the "original sin" story.
    [​IMG]
    People had been on that guilt-trip, in its various versions, ever since. Parents can send children on guilt-trips, never mind how well the kids were taken-care of, married off, etc. etc.
     
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  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Much as I want to shut up, I have some very strong opinions about the 'opportunity' 'gifted' by parents to their children - the 'gift' of life. I am sorry if this comes across as a bit negative, but I don't want to be a hypocrite. I just want to place a different side of this 'gift'.

    Am sure there are many people who are glad to be alive. But that does not change the fact that there are many people who would consider life to be a 'Gift' (the German one, not the English one - and it means poison in German). Would such kids be grateful for the 'opportunity' to live or cursing the day they came to be on this planet? They might even be suicidal - and they would be damned if they succeed, damned if they fail. So I really question this 'opportunity to live.' It is a 'gift' the parents give themselves - an heir, new little human beings to love and care for, new human beings who will grow up and hopefully care for them, through whom the parents can live their desires vicariously ..... the list is endless. Any, some or all of these. Basically, it is the desire of the parents ..... in no way a 'favour' on the children. Not to deny that these very 'little angels' might even turn out to be the parents' nemesis in times to come.
     
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  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is the truth. If we all realise this, we will be much better parents.
     
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  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Finding a mate for grown adults necessary? In one of the post someone mentioned honor killing ... very sad. Once you are a grown working adult, children should be encouraged to find their own mate. In many many instances, children have no say and they go along with the arrangement. If you really think about it, marriage is by far the most important decision in two people's lives. Married life becomes a way of life, but there are lot of problems due to expectations, duty and the way they are treated after marriage. Not always pretty. How many of those arranged marriages were primarily a business transaction between families trading their eligible children? Is getting married a business transaction?

    If you choose your own life partner, the responsibility of your actions lie with you and so in the eventuality, things don’t work out and the decision to stay or end it lies with you. Arranged marriage is great for individuals who are desperate for partners and are not capable of finding on their own. One time I was of the opinion that arranged marriage was great and I even justified it to my colleagues. As time went by and children grew up, I realized how wrong it was for me to take control of my child's most important decision of his life by justifying I am doing it out of love for my child. My child is very intelligent, very capable, very responsible, very successful and I raised my child with love and good values. At the end I had no doubts, my child is quite capable of finding the most important person in life "the life partner".

    Many times spending on wedding is a way of showing their status. It is pomp and show, the money can be spent much better for other needs than on a days wedding. What is wrong in a simple wedding with both sides family and friends? Many families take loan or sell properties for the wedding and get themselves into debt. Is that wise?
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2019
  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Satchi Thank you for such an eloquent post with objective analysis.

    Even though, nothing personal, when others view point sheds doubt on closely held beliefs, it may seem like someone is passing the judgement.

    This still is a very interesting discussion. Over the years, I realized how we change and our beliefs change and how adaptable we become.

    Rihana, thank you for bringing up this crucial topic.
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    :roflmao:the money spent on Indian weddings is going from lakhs to crores now
     
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  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana,

    I wish we all have a magic wand to make those emotions go away by swinging it near our heart. We can never predict when those emotions overwhelm us, especially lack of love to a particular child, lack of love to the spouse of the adult child and lack of love to their children. Unfortunately, the bonding that the child had with the parents when they were young conflicts with the terrible misunderstanding they experience as an adult with their own family members not treated well. When his wife is affected by direct experience of ill-treatment, he suffers from conflict of love for the parents Vs standing for the righteousness if his spouse and children are not treated well. When this happens, the husband needs to reconcile to the fact that there is no win for him and he needs to do all the actions for his own sense of doing the right thing.

    The worst pain one can experience is when one's child is not loved by the grandparents. Every milestone the child achieves bring back those emotions of ill-treatment. I feel there is a fine line between the need to look after the parents Vs standing up for the spouse and child. It is a difficult line and it is like walking on the tight rope with the help of a stick. Concentration under severe stress is what is needed. Giving up on parents is mostly not an option one can reconcile to nor told to whereas standing up for the spouse and child is something that could be discussed. If one does the act of giving up on the parents, the bonding he/she did as a child would create conflict making the present life uncontrollably unpleasant. Giving up on parents could create tension resulting in shifting from one problem to another.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2019

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