Cant Trust Husband Anymore

Dear Priyanka,
Hugs to you.
The problem here is the weak bond between you and your husband.
For how many years have you been married? I guess you lived with ils soon after marriage. You didn't have the time and privacy to bond as a couple should.

Your husband ignored your feelings and pursued his own interests.

You mentioned that he cheated on you. Was it physical or emotional ? Did he confess or did you find out? Is he still in contact with that woman?

Not informing you about family matters is immature. He doesn't want to involve you in his family decisions.

I can see many shades of my own plight in your story. Some men never change.

I'll also give this clichéd advice:: be independent, if you are not working already.

Keep your finances to yourself. No joint accounts.

Or move to USA , divorce this guy. You may find the right partner. Yes, get out of the gutter.

 

Dear,
You can't live like roommates with your husband. There's always an expectation of showing affection and little gestures. It will only make you more miserable.
Try marriage counselling.
Talk your husband - tell him you want a loving relationship with him and build a life together.. ask him how both can this out..
If he's not interested, don't waste your life with him.

 

OP,

This kind of tug of war will happen between husband and wife over and over again. When the "storm" is over, get back to normal routine as a family.

There is no point in holding grudge against each other. Forgive and forget is the key to run the family.

I don't think your DH planned everything in advance; your DH's family may have insisted to tag along at the last minute and just like you, he could be also in the same state of mind, afraid to call you to inform about their arrival.

Do your best to treat your ILs; Think of them as elders, and they are not a threat to you; Just act civilized and treat them respectfully when you meet them in person; No need to prepare extensively for their stay; A little kindness goes a long way.

Between husband and wife, there shouldn't be any rules. Be flexible; Take it easy, go with flow.

 

Hugs to you dear.

Men like your's and my hubby change when his side of family are around. My husband is exactly same .Even if he never shows love/affection/care even when only two of us are alone , but with in-laws and SILs around , he just changes for worst. He wouldnt talk to me , wouldnt inform me for what he is planning and whats happening in advance. So every time if someone from his family come to visit us or we go to visit them , i go through so much of emotional stress.

If he is good to you all other time ,aprt from when ILs are around , not sure if you can let it go accepting he is always like that around his family . Luckily you are not living with his family.

Physical intimacy bit as well , most men are like that i think , my hubby keeps away from me if he is showing silent treatment or giving me emotional torture , but when he wants to make it work ,he would just sulk in .sometimes i let it go , sometimes i say NO, not sure how to react on that side of business myself.

 

Dear Priyanka

First of all you must know who is your husband, and his limits by now. You have been married for a long time, and knew each other before.
Not every person is same.
From all your posts and threads here, I understood one thing about your husband. He changes when PILs are around, but behaves cool when no one is here.
You and him have problems related to his folks. He is less likely to leave them. At the same time, he doesn't wanna leave you either.
So, such problems should be expected every time he interacts with his folks.
That's his design.

Now that you have a choice to accept him as who he is, or reject him altogether. You can even selectively accept a few of his shortcomings and reject the other, but the choice should be yours. See what is convenient for you.

If I were you, I would have expected this from my H's talks well in advance.
For ex: My H brings his folks to the house. But there are certain areas like kitchen, bed-room... These are my territory. Others cant enter or entertain there without my permission.
This is a ground rule that I have established with my husband well before we think about others. He too has his own area, like pooja space for example. No one is allowed there unless he agrees. I respect that too.

So, if ILs or their folks visit, it is me who works in the kitchen. I get a cook or maid to support if there are too many people. I plan the menu, I assign the tasks. Others can help, but with my permission. Others can request a special menu. But it is my decision to cook them or buy them from outside.
My husband respects that.
If he doesn't respect, I would confront. The issue is not about my folk, vs your folks. It is something about us.

If ILs visit you, keep them as visitors. Don't expect your H to behave lovey dovey with you.
Ignore his behavior and pretend as if you did not notice him.
Be yourself. Don't amend any of your plans for them. Learn to enjoy your day.
And more importantly expect all this as a matter of routine.
If you expect your H to be nicer before in laws, then all you will get in return is some disappointment.

 

OP...if you are the one taking care of the 'guests' then he has no business keeping you in the dark.

Tell him if he does this again...he can take care of the guests himself.

As for him wanting sex after treating you like furniture.....you are right.
You are a human being and deserve to be treated with love in return for love.
Instead of sulking...tell him straight to the point.
"Learn to treat me like a wife deserves to be treated if you want to be treated like a husband."
Let him work really hard at pleasing you. If he knows how much effort he has to put in to get his wife back...he may learn to treat you better next time in front of his family.
Another way is to gently advice and remind him next time his family is around .
"Please don't treat me like furniture again now that your family is around...because you know how long it will take for things to get back to normal"