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Can't Tolerate Loosing

Discussion in 'Kids Korner' started by Priyasri1232000, Feb 6, 2017.

  1. Priyasri1232000

    Priyasri1232000 New IL'ite

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    HI ladies.. my boy is 5 yrs old. . He is ultra soft ,very social but he couldn't tolerate losing in anything. . We were just shocked to hear from him crying about his loss in running race a more than year back.. I'm really concerned about this behavior of him also he always talk's about his Thomas trains and write's in the air .. draw those in the air.. which is so disturbing. . Pls advise
     
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  2. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Comon OP he is just a kid..he will certainly get better with time..hear him out..spend time with him..rest time will take care
     
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    At 5, your child is perfectly capable of understanding the role of effort in winning a contest or game. The child is also capable of understanding not to be a sore loser and how to be a graceful winner.

    These behaviours must be modelled for him. Play games with him and don't let him win all the time - like say snakes and ladders. When he wins appreciate him gently - not over the top. Just say, well played. Point out to him how you are not upset but will try harder to win next time.

    Advance to games which require and little skill rather than just luck like ludo where he can make decisions about how far to move away from an opponent coin behind him etc.

    Impress upon him the factor effort plays in success. Teach him to appreciate the effort put in by others to win - while watching a tennis match on telly, tell him about how much the players have practised and how the effort pays off. So the next time he is upset about his running, ask him what can be done about that. Ask if he can go back in time to change it or whether it would be easier to focus on this year's race, practise and win it. Time him and praise him when he beats his own record. Teach him to understand that right now what matters is that he knows how to become better than what he is.

    It is also important for your child's self esteem to figure out that he might need to put in more effort in one area than another area. Eg. He might take to sport quickly but need a lot of practice for music. It might be the opposite for another kid.

    You can read him books like I am the best by Lucy Cousins or I want to win by Tony Ross. These show the importance of being a fair player and not being a sore loser.

    I'm not sure I follow what your problem is with Thomas trains. If he is passionate about it, you can use the shows to teach him lessons. Here afferent lots of games and jigsaws in the market with the Thomas train theme which will keep him interested.

    Writing and drawing in the air is cool. Make it a game. Write a letter or digit in the air and ask him to figure out what it is. Encourage his imagination. Ask him to draw a person in the air - ask what details he has added - has be added eyes? Ears? eyebrows? Nostrils etc. What colour he's painted the shirt. It will help his imagination.
     
  4. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    Is he an only kid? Was he playing mostly with older people who indulged? Maybe he wasnt exposed to competition. Most kids dont understand the point behind 'sports'. Slowly teach him to give his best and try better if he loses.
    As he gets exposed to more kids of his age, he will change.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Books are a great (and often easier than role-model'ing) way to introduce kids to many behavior and attitude concepts. Back when I was a young mother, we had the Beranstain Bears books and Arthur and his Friends. In the kiddy books, it is smart to find ones that are not very cheesy for the parent to read to or with the child.

    Thomas The Tank Engine is one more good source of not-cheesy life lessons. Their videos are good. I still sing "The Patience Song" from their songs video. : ) Their is also a collection of stories, a nice thick book to buy for a birthday and read slowly with child over the year.
     
    Nonya likes this.
  6. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I read the title of the thread and smiled to myself. : ) Reminded me of the days I'd spend hours googling "My child is a sore loser. I need help!!" It was something his dad and I had noticed when we played board games with him. As soon as he realized that he would lose his eyes would well up and he'd start accusing us of cheating. At one parent-teacher meeting his kindergarten teacher told us that he didn't handle disappointment well. I was so distraught, I almost made a thread here before I found help on other parenting forums. Take it from the mommy of a recovered sore-loser -- they get better. With a lot of patience and a little commitment your child will outgrow this behavior.

    First you need to get the 'embarrassment' factor out of the way. Your child is learning as he grows. His behavior and attitude are works in progress. You don't have to feel embarrassed about not having little Mr. Perfect! I remember my son's soccer class 'performance'. As long as he had the ball he would run around excitedly. Moment another kid tackled him for it, my little one would fold his arms, freeze on the spot and start bawling. Mortified, I would slink to the edge of the field and say, "Run sweety. Go get the ball." He would cling to me and cry louder. :facepalm: The other parents would give me sympathetic smiles. Spent many a sleepless night worrying about this. Eventually I realized that this was not about avoiding embarrassment today, but about molding my son's behavior for life. Here are some things that worked for me.

    Assess your own behavior first - If possible have a talk with your spouse and see if there is anything in your behavior that might be contributing to his need to win. Children want to win because it makes them feel good. This doesn't always mean your child has an entitlement issue. It could be anxiety. The desire to please you or receive attention from you. Are you giving him enough attention? Are you giving into every reasonable or unreasonable demand? Have you been shielding him from disappointment? Once you have identified any enabling behavior on your part, fix it. Beyond this don't dwell on the whys. It doesn't solve the problem.

    Praise effort not accomplishment
    - This is the key to teaching your child the value of hard work. When he does something successfully don't appreciate the outcome, appreciate the work he put into it. If he paints a picture, don't say, "What a lovely picture!" Instead say, "I like how carefully you stayed inside the lines." If he beats you at a game praise his patience, thoughtfulness, strategizing, and practice. Keep driving home the idea that practicing will make him better at winning. This applies to every aspect of life not just sports. When my son scores perfectly on a math test. I say, "You worked so hard on your math homework everyday. All that practice helped you in the test. Good job!"

    Create a growth mindset - Teach him that everybody sucks when they first attempt something new. Being good at something means working on it every single day. The harder you try, the easier it gets. Use his accomplishments as examples -- reading, tying his shoe laces, wearing his pants, or eating by himself. Remind him how he went from not knowing how to tie his laces to being an expert at it. As a parent model this mindset for him. Show him that even you are learning new things everyday. Often when my son asks me a question I can't answer I say, "let's look it up." We open Wikipedia, read together and go over the facts we've learned. He understands that you don't always have to know everything. You can learn.

    Expose him to loss -- We play board games as a family every weekend, and we don't make it easy for him to win. If he loses he deals with it. Before the game we have a little talk about losing. Our one rule is that if he cries during the game we stop playing. Trust me despite all this we've been through many many teary tantrums. We don't scold him, but we do let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. One thing I have used to reinforce good behavior is his love for playing video games with us. Dad and I both play a bunch of different multiplayer video games with him. The moment he shows any sign of unsportsmanlike behavior we switch off the game, and let him know why we won't play with him. That worked very well for us. He realized pretty quickly that he loves playing with mom-dad more than he loves winning. Being in a formal sports program also helped a great deal. He goes through intensive training with a sports team five days a week. Playing a competitive sport with his peers has really changed his attitude. He and his friends work hard, win some, and lose some. He is the youngest in his team and there are days when he loses 6 games in a row without flinching. He has become resilient to loss.

    I would say that a combination of our efforts along with the wisdom that comes with growing up have fixed his attitude towards losing. The other day we were playing Ludo and his dad beat us three times in a row. He says, "Mom we lost because we were busy fighting with each other. Next time we'll ally against him." I'd say he is over his sore-loser phase. : )

    This is not an overnight fix. We started working on this when he was 5. He is 8 now. Even if you do nothing eventually your child is going to learn that he can't always win, and it will be a painful lesson. With a little concerted effort you can make him immune to that pain.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2017
  7. Priyasri1232000

    Priyasri1232000 New IL'ite

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    Wow. I really appreciate for taking time to reply me and cheer me up with such a long msg.. hatsoff to you dear.. I will sure follow every thing u said.. I have already started praising him for his work today.. after reading your msg .. I am sure this is gonna work wonders .. to expose him to failure I . I think I did this already to just make him used to but my family is already cursing me for that .. (too much of failure will make his heart break).. yes it did .. he went for chess tournament and dint win anything. .but I have appreciated him for learning new techniques when he loose .. sometimes he is happy with my words but sometimes he says the same thing happened and adds all the failures with it gets too low with words "everything is loss for me ,everybody doesn't like me ,everybody says I'm a bad boy"... blah blah blah.. and becomes very frustrated. .my heart breaks
     
  8. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Team sports are a lot easier to lose, than individual events.
    Parents harping too much on a child's loss, can actually respark the need to wail and cry, when the child himself cried to his satisfaction, released that big sigh, and called it a closure for anyone specific loss.
    The child would discover, on his own, that there are so many of us, losers, doing just fine.
    And get over it.
     
  9. Priyasri1232000

    Priyasri1232000 New IL'ite

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    Thanks dear .. I sometimes think this way....
     
  10. Priyasri1232000

    Priyasri1232000 New IL'ite

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    Thanks nonya.. it's a good idea I will sure try team sports...
     

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