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Cant Talk To H

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by YoGirl, Jul 22, 2020.

  1. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

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    MIL and DIL relationship is complex and in most cases MIL wins because she has the power and she knows the art of psychological warfare, you can not win the battle by fighting her directly learn the art of psychological warfare. Russia uses this effectively and wins all the time watch this documentary you might learn something.

     
  2. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    Wow what a thread. Exactly the situation what I am going through, except the fact that I am in this situation since past 9 years. Even today my throat blocks to tell him anything negative against his people. The bigger problem I have is even he doesnt tell me anything. I would get to know few things from his relatives or my cosister.
    Most of the times i would want to come to terms on this accepting the fact that this is how is he is and this is how its going to be, for my betterment. But no. The greedy person in me, the person who compares H with BIL (thats me ofcourse) always wants things to change which is next to impossible until DH decided to change on his own.
    I was almost on the stage of acceptance mode, that this dilemma filled in my head. My BIL who made sure his bro is distanced from his wife, who made sure that his bro keeps things secret from his wife, is now utterly transparent with his wife. So much that he has even told his wife well before marriage that his mother did not behave well with me. He now complains to his wife on his bro who once would not even lift a spoon without asking his bro. This terrible feeling is overpowering me now.
    I know I am wrong in thinking so. But I am not able to overcome it. The bitter feeling that people who made my married life miserable in the first few years of marriage are now extremely happy in their world, while I am still suffering unable to break this huge wall built between me and my husband.
    My fate only should help me overcome this terrible feeling.
     
  3. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @YoGirl , girl you got this! This wisdom , few of us get it early on, for some of us it takes time and lot of struggle and pain before eventually learning to separate the problem from the person , that there is only one team in a marriage , even if at times you cant take the support of your partner, you just hang in there without turning bitter
    Sometimes that is all it takes - a pat, a touch , a look and the burden, the pain just melts away. Dont forget to let your DH know how much that mattered to you. Dont go into the problem, dont even mention it. Just say how his concern just made your headache disappear.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  4. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

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    @YoGirl, Please never do the mistake of keeping quiet. Be it 5 years or 15 years, history will repeat itself if action is not taken. Telling you from my personal experience, if you hold things in you, it will never fade away. You will feel low esteem, lose your confidence, and feel worthless and helpless. You don't have to scream or shout, whatever you have to convey, do it respectfully and in a humble tone. When I was quiet and went along with everything just to avoid fights, the sake of children, long term peace...all got accumulated... I Still have so much within me....but when I slowly started telling the dislikes or discomfort or don't allow people to hurt, insult me...then things started changing but with huge effort from my end by keeping all my anger within me and just pointing out the facts..

    so, just my 2 cents...you will regret why you kept quiet like me even after 15 years of marriage.
     
    nakshatra1, Sweety2019 and radv like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I was like you a few years ago.
    In fact, as @Sweet2019 rightly mentioned, we had built a wall between, which was getting taller & stronger by each passing day.

    I had a heart full of emotions that i could only share with my spouse, given the fact that ours was a love marriage & very much against our parent's advice. So we were not supposed to go to parents with issues like this.
    We feared the 'we told you not to marry him/her' word from them; hence kept quite.

    Imagine... Post marital tension, pregnancy & postpartum hormones plus tension at work during our prime years in the career. On top of it, in laws & family issues in marriage that you can't communicate with each other... It was hell

    Thank God, I could not keep things with me any longer... I blasted one fine day & felt magically relieved.
    Since then, no matter what i talk my heart out with my H.
    Sometimes he sees my point. But many times he refuses to see it.
    He blames me, he expects me to handle it differently and even accuse me for blowing it out of proportion.

    Nevertheless, I keep on talking and explaining all that happens to me with him. He is my companion & he must know what i am going through.

    Since i talk everything with him, and keep records of everything that happens around, now a days it is easy to connect. It is easy to corroborate & make him see through what i am trying to convey.
    If not for the fact, he sees my pain, disturbances and all & knows from where i am getting all these... That's it.

    In 5 years he understood it completely. Sided with me all the time.
    In the 9th year he went on to shut his parent's interference into our business.

    But none of them affected our bonding. In fact we are more connected & loving each other today than how we loved before marriage.

    Please speak up...
    Even if you think yours is a silly problem. Tell him how that affects you & what you expect from him to cope this negative emotions.
    Either he can help you to cope with it, while not saying anything to his mom... Or shut his mom by not showing anything to you.
    Both ways, you feel better & feel connected in your marriage
     
    MaruthiRao and Sweety2019 like this.
  6. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    @Trustcarelove @SGBV how did you both talk to your patner, without it turning into a bad argument. I understand place only the facts, but everytime I do either he doesn't want to understand my side or becomes extremely defensive and starts pointing out something irrelevant and puts the blame on me. This increases the barrier even more, and I stop feeling the need to talk because everytime we go into it, I am hurt even more than I was and take the most blow mentally. It ruins me, the whole day or weeks. How do you cope with that?
     
  7. MaruthiRao

    MaruthiRao Silver IL'ite

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    Indeed, when we see a new world for ourselves after marriage, we learn a lot with new ways of living, make lots of compromises, be it either side of the family... But the hardest pain comes, when the one whom we chose to live our lives with, tends to drift away from the aligned thoughts as before.... Things need to be seen from a very practical sense... With the growing kids, it becomes even more difficult to manage our own life. Added to that the aging effect and the natural stress which seeps through subconscious, makes life like a sailing ship in a storm hit sea..

    Just wait and start giving positive affirmations to your self and all those who have been ill treating. This effort will change their nature against you for the better...
     
    Sweety2019 likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear @Sweet2019

    Since you asked, I'll try to give my 2 cents & hope the OP does not get diverted

    In general, if you want something to be changed, then the first change has to happen within yourself. That being said, you must change yourself before you expect any changes in the way how your H responds to your problems.

    Whenever something irritable happens, be it from in laws, parents, friends or neighbors just pause and think what exactly was irritating you.
    Was it their action or the situation that you are in or your mental condition etc

    Whatever it may be, talk to your husband.
    Tell him that you are feeling low, or feeling angry or feeling irritated etc...
    Tell him that your emotions make you unproductive at home (can't cook or clean or do the homework with kids etc...) or at work (office work).
    Instead of covering it, just show him how that feels.....

    My husband will not accept their fault. He will not apologize for their mistake. He will not go on to talk to them or get clarifications.
    But he will see how it has affected me. He will understand how far it is taking a toll on my health, the family's happiness and the mental health of everyone in a long run


    In my case, I used to tell everything to my H, but never expect him to react on this.
    If he takes their side, I will distance from him to show my displeasure
    If he silently listens and does nothing about it, then I will silently avoid him too
    Just the fact that he needs to know both are important.. He can't have his wife and all the pleasures of having a wife by not treating her like a human.
    But then, days pass and I will come back to normalcy as before.
    When there is an actual and much bigger problem between myself and PILs, the earlier complaints helps to build from it.
    I don't want him to get surprised as if everything happened all of a sudden... I just want him to know that there were gradual problems that led us here. That's the reality, so I just want him to see that.
     
    Sweety2019 likes this.
  9. ushee

    ushee New IL'ite

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    Hi, I need your help. The same situation happens in my family too. I am 57 years old. My husband always supports his family.My husband will not accept their fault. He will not apologize for their mistake. As sweety29 said my BIL and his wife started putting false complains on me every time knowing that my husband will immediately react on me. It still continues even after my both IL's passed. My SIL is still living in my mother in law's house and creating problem.
    You mentioned
    "If he takes their side, I will distance from him to show my displeasure
    If he silently listens and does nothing about it, then I will silently avoid him too". Pleeese provide me some examples. Thank you very much.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I think its better to convey what we feel instead of bottling them up in our mind. Its very stressful. Complaining about others including Pils won't help. But pointing fingers, arguing etc also won't help. In that case they became defensive.

    Men process things differently. So talk short and crisp by not using the work 'you' to start a sentence. Instead focus on conveying how you felt. Like ' I was so sad that....', I felt really bad, i didn't like the way....'...., ' I can't accept this behavior....' start sentence with ' I'. Talk only when you can talk in composed way when he is also calm. Convey what you want in a few sentences. Then say think about it. Don't stay there to heat up argument. Take a stand like,this is what I want to convey..rest is up to you...'.. then walk away if that's the situation. Do this in a respectful way.

    Then enjoy your life. Don't give the key to your happiness to him. Give him time to process things and come you. In the mean time do care about him like normally you do. He should get the message that your fight is not against him, but his activity that made you upset.
     
    Sweety2019 likes this.

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