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Cant Take It Anymore!! Superstressed

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preeti6years, Aug 5, 2020.

  1. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    So much of drama happening around at home and I am not able even step out of the house for few hours because of this covid crisis.

    BILs family is here. BIL and MIL are outrightly not bothering about us. BIL is MILs favourite child and returned to India under dramatic circumstances. All the while Cosis was at moms house as they have a small kid. BIL is staying at Cosis place (her parents) since a month and now dropped in here.
    BIL was very close to DH earlier so much that he even bad mouthed against me to my DH. After his marriage DH realised the selfishness and doublecross behavior of BIL and kept him at bay. Now both the brothers are not in talking terms and talk only if it is very much required. BIL has turned out to be arrogant fellow who just dances to the tunes of cosis and her side people. Even then MIL adores him so much. She has complained a lot on me and DH to him which has further filled in bitterness.
    MIL who never used to care for us, is giving them royal treatment. I can understand she wants to as their visits are occasional. But still she just fumes all the time when only we are there. Never talks with a smiling face and will ready to take us even if she finds the slightest loop whole.
    Cosis is maintains distance with MIL knowing her arrogance. Inspite of that MIL is goes to her, helps her and tries to please her so much she prepares breakfast quite early just because cosis wants early breakfast.
    Rest of the days we are the ones who handle the family burden and here she plays victim role infront of BIL.
    I even heard MIL complaining about us to BIL.
    This scenario is going on since three years and DH remains like a stone watching everything.
    I am unable to take this second citizen treatment anymore in my own house.
    Since two days I am fighting with DH over the same issue. He accepts that his bro is at fault but he says his mom is helpless and doesnt have such bad intentions.
    I have no patience to take this anymore. When I loose my cool DH simply remains calm or at max he says he will talk to BIL and MIL on this. But doesnt take any step further.
    I have clearly told him that its high time to tell his bro to share the responsibility of his parents, else I would move out.
    I am crying so much since three days because of this nasty treatment. DH joined hands with BIL and MIL in the past and made me to suffer like anything for 6 years. All those horrific incidents are haunting me and I am getting panic attacks.
    Once BIL family leaves MIL again treats me as if I am maid cum manager of the house who has to take care of everything.
    I feel I am stuck up in a net. If my LO hadnt been there I would have separated from DH by now because of these people in my life.
    How do I go ahead with it?
     
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  2. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Girl,
    First of all hugs to you. I can understand that being locked in with all these negative people and emotions around is frustrating. So again, lots of hugs to you.

    We all have this tendency of remembering the past and then incessantly fuming over. it I know it, because I still cry thinking of how my MIL behaved 8 years back when I was pregnant with my second kid. Everyone around seems to have forgotten about it except me. I think there is a word for it - Closure. I never got closure. So I am still fuming. So trust me when I say that I totally get you. Here are some things that I feel may help you out.

    1) Stop thinking of how MIL treats co-sis. Its difficult and sometimes nearly impossible not to. But you should understand that co-sis does not live with MIL. So constantly focusing on how your MIL is with co-sis is not going to change anything. If I ask you "so, you want MIL to treat co-sis horribly too? Will that make things better?", your obvious answer is going to be 'No, I want her to treat ME the way she treats co-sis" , which obviously is never going to happen. ACCEPT that part .MENTALLY affirm to yourself that how much ever you beat your head , your MIL will never treat you the way she treats co-sis and its not your fault and its not in your control.Stop thinking of MIL and Co-sis . That is their equation, take yourself out of it.

    2) I know you cannot forget what your DH did 6 yrs back when he joined hands with BIL and MIL. Forgive him, but never forget . The point being- the more you have expectations of fighting this war FOR you, that is never going to happen. He will never be able to be your trusted lieutenant, the one who defends your name openly and burns down cities to protect your honor . He most probably has forgotten everything that has happened 6 yrs back, just wants to let things go, does not want to be pulled into unnecessary drama and is already thinking "in a year, no one will remember this, so just let it go". Of course he wont stand up to MIL or BIL, of course he wont see that his own mom is at fault. So what can you do? Accept this truth. Your DH is not on your side , and probably never will be. So all those tears you waste on the sob stories are wasted effort. Stop doing that , right now. No more complaining to him about MIL and BIL. Just maintain silence and just let all that go.

    3) IF you look at it objectively, what is your actual issue now. You and MIL are not fighting over anything major. You are angry (and reasonably) that she makes breakfast for cosis, you are the maid etc. etc. Now that you have realized that this is not going to change and leaving your DH is not an option, focus on YOURSELF. Make YOU a priority . Start taking care of yourself. Do yoga, read a book ,pursue a hobby - just make sure that your life does not revolve around these idiots in whose life you are not a priority. Dont waste your positive energy on them. Go about livng life happily and believe me, THAT will piss them off. THAT is the best revenge you can give them. KARMA will do the rest.
     
    Afresh and radv like this.
  3. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    @winterhue ,
    Thank you for a detailed reply and suggestions. I agree with every line of yours.
    Its not only with cooking, MIL emotionally tortured me and abused me verbally to some extent in the early days.
    She drained out all the confidence in me. She expected all the Sasuma Felicitation from my mom, even when my father was suddenly bed ridden and she was unable to look into anything other than taking care of my dad.
    My each and every move was ridiculed, taunted what not. This went on for almost 3 years in the beginning untill one day I yelled on her on top of the roof. From that day I am labelled a bad DIL.
    And to my DH I was portrayed a bad wife too. My H was blind through one eye then as he was seeing only their version and became judgemental with their statements. MIL and BIL made it very clear that whatever DH buys (be it car/electronics, any small fancy items for that matter) is their familys and not mine and I have no rights on anything.
    Fastforward 2 years, BIL gets married and all this nonsense is no more valid to them. DH was not allowed to stay at moms house. BIL can stay for days together. Cosis can always boast about her family. I was abused that my chords are not cut from my family. BIL did not attend our daughters function and its okay. Cosis doesnt even lift an extra spoon and that is okay.
    Even today the same scenario. Once they left she is again the same. Fuming all around.
    Except that me shouting back at her when she picks up on me nothing has changed.
    My DH who on the other hand, observes everything and doesnt say a word and expects me to not to raise voice or concerns over anything wrong that happens even with him.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Looks like you were writing what I went through sometimes back in my life.

    Yes, I had a horrible past with PILs. H & BILs & PILs joined hands together against me, and made my life like a living hell - which is still causing me immense pain.
    But life changed the moment my H sensed their cunning smells, and chose to stand by me after 5 years.
    They slowly came back, projecting a nice face - My H was the first one to forgive them, and he eventually forced me to leave the past behind for a beautiful future.
    I moved on, and the relationship with PILs were supper cool since then. That was around the time when both of my BILs were about to marry.
    Their weddings happened, and the co-sisters joined the family.

    We 3 co-sisters became very close to each other like sisters, and we had a lot of similarities in manythings that united us.
    MIL was our joint enemy and looked like she did the same cunning drama in each of our lives in the past.

    Both BILs sensed our closeness, and fueled the fire by showing their venom down my H's throat. He stood by them, and some fights started afterwards.
    Meanwhile, I came to know all the bad talks MIL uttered about me, my family, my kids and H through co-sisters; thus I realized the fact that a leopard doesn't change its spots.
    MIL can't change her enmity towards me, and she was just wearing a cool mask for whatever the reason to act as if everything is normal between us.

    I was angry, not just for MIL's cunning & nasty comments about me - that too after having spent some good times together. Also I was angry that my H started believing them, and taking his bro's sides.
    So, I gave my H an ultimatum.
    Because I could not go back to the past, and could no longer suffer the pain of losing all my good days.
    It affected my mental health, physical health, career and what not. I don't want to risk my life and that of my kids again with this.

    So, I told my H to either chose us - the family he created or them - the family he came from IF he can not balance the both.
    Balancing means, making sure both parties are unaffected. Because given this situation, I am terribly affected and he did nothing. I gave him 2 chances to be my H (to give that security and protection). He failed, so I decided my ways and firmly announced him.

    He chose me. The rest is the history.

    MIL is still angry.... Just talks with H, and no more relationship with us.
    FIL is cool, and he as usual visit us.
    BILs and Co-sisters are as usual, and we are happily together.
    H is happy, and life is supper happy since then.

    Find the answers from my experience, as it is close to what you are suffering now
     
  5. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    I think my answer would also be on the lines above; You just have to stop expecting that they or anyone else is ever going to give you a good treatment that you expect! its all about expectation management and it starts with managing your own expectations.
    Once you get used to not expecting anything positive from them, you'll learn to make yourself a priority and to fill your life with experiences that would make you hapyy.
    If youcan't control your expectations, you have to hoodwink yourselves into believeing that you have given up o nthem, just repeat that to yourself daily and get ahead with your day. Stop wondering about how they behave with others and check yourself when you start thinking about those thoughts too
    Take each day at a time and come to your zen time :)
    Be only good to people who are good to you
    It starts with you yourself
    All The Best
     
  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Call family meeting and tell clearly your feelings to mil and bil. Don’t fight with dh. He himself must be victim. Tell your mil in front of bil if you like them please go and live with them. U have to speak up. All this stress even for few days will push u to depression for rest of your life. I have been there and now I regret for not taking strong stand 20 years back. I regret for keeping quiet for sake of earning respect from in laws, giving respect to elders etc. but it cost me life long pain. Whenever mil badmouth or show u grumpy face catch that moment to speak up there and there. Be strong.
     
  7. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    @SGBV ,@Afresh , @ProudIndian ,
    Thank you so much for bringing this thread again.
    Here are the updates of the situation now.
    Seeing all the nonsense happening in the house, I fought with DH quite a number of times. He agrees things are worst at home but he is not in a position to take any decision or bring this issue up with MIL and BIL.
    It seems he has told BIL that the way he is behaving at home is wrong.
    BIL and Cosis where so much to themselves when they were here. Even though she doesnt like what MIL does she remains friendly and nice with MIL and MIL is supersweet with her.
    While I was fighting my own battles within myself and with H, cosis and BIL have discussed something about us internally and she has stopped talking to me and so is BIL with DH.
    Just before going back to abroad, they had come here for few hours and that day I just spoke formally to cosis. MIL was super friendly with her and tried to give that extra cushioning to her. Not sure if that was to provoke me.

    Now the situation though DH stands by me, he doesnt want to discuss all the bad happened to me and him with his mom or bro. He says time will answer everything. He doesnt talk to BIL and MIL.
    On the other hand MIL is also super furious. She got all the groceries she needed through maid rather than asking DH for it.
    When I pick this topic he just listens without responding. He says whatever happened in the past to me is bad. But whatever BIL, MIL said or did to me was just happened in the heat of the moment, but not with bad intentions.
    Though he says this he knows whatever happened is not right. I am just waiting for him to take some step
     
  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    it’s in your best interest not to get affected by this negativity. All these incidents and bad memories will make you negative or depressed. So better you change yourself. When someone hurt you, immediately you talk loud and clear they are hurting you. Don’t nag husband. He is already in sandwich position. Tell brother in law in front of mil to taker his mother for few days. Talk sweetly she also need change and it will be nice for bil co sis to have her with them since they all get along. Remove fear from your mind. It’s your house and you are doing all housework alone. Be loud clear And confident.
     

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