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Cant Love my Wife

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by guy1234, Feb 16, 2016.

  1. guy1234

    guy1234 New IL'ite

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    Not sure If i get unbiased suggestions here n sorry for long post. Well.... In my youth I was waiting for the one girl whom I could spend my life with beautifully, love for me was a divine emotion. In college i met that girl, we were really committed she was an angel. I looted all that I had in my heart over her. At that time even if madhuri dixit proposed me i would have rejected her instantly. Every girl apart from her seemed ugly for me. It was bliss, i loved when she smiled, i loved when she was angry, i loved when she stared at me and i loved when she frowned, I was completely in love with her. If I had to meet her the next day i made sure i wrote down some practical jokes so that i could make her smile. her happiness was the moto of my life. she was raised by her mom and had very poor background while i had stable background. her fees was sponsored by a religious institution but the college was where the rich studied and she felt low. Once she had tear in her eyes since she didnt have one necessary gadget, and I was like... how could those tears come in your eyes when all your sadness is mine and all my happiness is yours. Thence I worked at night for months and got her what she needed. Few months later i returned home and there was distance gap. her attitude towards me changed drastically later I found from her phone that she was talking very flirty with another guy. I confronted her and she was like you dont have rights to enter my privacy. She broke with me. I asked her what about the promises we made.. she replied promises are made to be broken. and for few years after taht i constantly tried to contact her she was like dont call me why u troubling me. All her friends tried to convince her and infact her mother herself was sad and tried to convince her saying he loves you a lot. Waited untill she got married.

    Well the wounds remained, the fear of getting into relation was huge. I rejected tons of girls because it was really difficult to trust someone. Finally my parents forced me to marry a girl from a village who they assumed was very good in character. And thats all I wanted, a girl who will be truthful to me n i wasnt looking for a girl who will Love me a lot. I married half heartedly. After marriage i wasnt able to get very close to her and that made her lonely. She had told many lies to me before marriage and moreover She was constantly on phone texting. Just two months after marriage I noticed she is talking sthealthily . I used to be out of town frequently and once i got into her phone to find out she is saying I love u to someone and talking X rated things on phone. She was flirting with like 3 guys, that was disturbing. I confronted her it took months to reconcile. ofcourse she didnt have physical relation earlier. She said i didnt give time and attention to her so she got carried away by a guy she used to talk earlier. She alwasy told she never had anyone in past whle I had told her about my past.

    Now its three years after marriage but I dont have any respect for her. I question my self what profit do I have. She is completely a village girl who completed her graduation at age of 28 , sat in train for first time after marriage, visited airport first time after marriage. Ofcourse she tries to be very kind to me and I too never physicall or verbally abuse her but sometimes i speak things that hurt her. She is ofcourse interested to get things completely normal and I too want it to happen but i want commitment from her not by words but by ACTION. I cant trust words. I am not attracted to her physically and intimacy is a task for me. I dont find her pretty though she is certainly not ugly.

    All I wanted was to see a change in her. she is emaciated and weighed just 38 kg loaded wiht pimples and gnaecological problem. She does not maintain a proper hygiene too. All I wanted from her is she just improves a bit in any way so that I could atleast have lust on her if not love. someone could have accomplished this in just a month or two. But she gives deaf ear n she hasnt accomplished anything till today. Few months back I told her to atleast improve her communication so that if someone talks to her she can atleast reply back. But nothing is done yet. Once i caught her legs and literaly rubbed my forehead on her feet thats when she took little time and learned prayers. i promised her to help her in every way to get to her goal but she isnt doing a bit. I feel completely defeated in life. I dont know how to convince her to get things done.
     
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  2. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    the love which you had for tht girl in college cant come back, because its the age which had been passed for such passion....so if you are looking same passion in your marriage, stop doing that....
    First of all, you married a villgae girl with your consent, so suddenly dont expect her to be smart life city girls....
    give her time and affection...your demanding on her that improve improve and improve is not going to help her.....give her unconditional love and affection then she will try to change herself willfully for you...

    She is completely a village girl who completed her graduation at age of 28 , sat in train for first time after marriage, visited airport first time after marriage. Ofcourse she tries to be very kind to me and I too never physicall or verbally abuse her but sometimes i speak things that hurt her


    it looks like you consider her lower than you because she is from village....stop disrespecting her....you want commitment from her but what commitment you are giving to her???
     
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  3. kimmy

    kimmy Bronze IL'ite

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    You cant change someone, the only person u can change is you.

    She has been a village girl for 28 yrs you think its easy to shed that and be a sexy glam doll u can lust??? No way...

    If u wanted a modern girl you should have married a city bred girl. You cant renovate a person like they are a house ... Women love and respect men who accept them as they are without any conditions

    Accept her, love her, give attention, appreciate her good qualities and she will change for u
     
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  4. guy1234

    guy1234 New IL'ite

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    Well unconditional love is not something you can just give to anyone. Do you think thats really possible. And I dont want her to just improve All I want her is to attempt to improve. She isnt trying a bit to work in that direction. I married her because I respected her, i literally considered her like an devi but then she disrespected me by keeping online illicit relation with other guys. So obviously she has to do something to gain her respect. Marriage is investment from both side and its not just that one person taking the responsiblity for everything.
     
  5. guy1234

    guy1234 New IL'ite

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    Thats too much that you have quoted as glam doll. I dont want a sexy babe. By changing myself what you are suggesting me is to divorce her and marry a girl whom I like? I married her for a reason but that reason was defeated and now i need to search another reason to be with her. All i want her is to try its very disappointing when its only you who takes the responsibility of loving and caring and doing everything.. marriage is not like a bullock cart where the bullock and cart both move ahead but actually its the bullock that pulls the cart but its a combined effort where both the husband and wife take the responsibility and are willing to change for each other regardless of if u like or not.
     
  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Guy1234,

    Life is hell when we compare what you expected life to be and what it really is. If I were in your shoes, I will do the following:

    1) Forget the dream life you could have enjoyed had you married the girl you loved as she rejected you anyway

    2) You married the girl under one condition that she had to be a person of great character. That was the only condition from your end and not the look or education or city background.

    3) You have not given her a normal conjugal life that she expected from you for a long time. She flirted with other guy but when confronted told you the truth. I am not in agreement with her flirting but at least she regretted and ready to lead a normal life with you

    4) Hygiene, exercise, gaining a good shape, etc. can be achieved by her automatically if she knows that her husband loves her dearly. Why can't you have a loving conversation with her that she means a lot to you and hence you are suggesting a number of steps. Making her listen to your request is entirely your ability to talk to her sweetly.

    5) Do you honestly believe that love is based on personal appearance, hygiene and shape of a woman? A commitment to love should happen automatically with all great qualities and shortcomings soon after a marriage. Have you spent time asking her what she likes and dislikes in you? Your post sounds that you are perfect in all respects and you will be very surprised if you were to ask that question to your spouse.

    The attitude that the spouse not up to my expectation provides a great sense of ego which is a deterrent to a fruitful marriage. The love for each other should be mutual unaffected by the status, education, appearance, hygiene and shape.

    Don't waste any more time. Normalize your marital relationship as soon as possible and begin the giving at your end before you expect something from the spouse.

    Good luck for a very happy married life.

    Viswa
     
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  7. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    Do you really think you are doing justification to this marriage and committed to your wife?

    Have you seen her before marriage? Why her appearance is bothering you so much after the marriage, flirting with other guys is not acceptable, but you should have done your part of job to stop her from flirting.....may be she is missing that love from you...

    Down the line after few years, outer beauty will vanish....so the real beauty which remains life long is the love & affection between couple....so try for that....
     
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    op give her money and send her to well known beauty parlor.
     
  9. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    I think its cute that she experienced a lot of first time with you. If her grooming/mannerism is really bothering you, then why don't you hire or ask someone to help her in this matter.
     
  10. guy1234

    guy1234 New IL'ite

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    Years back I have given her my debit card and told her the same thing but she is so reluctant. Earlier she used to grumble that she has household work then i kept a maid for all the work including cooking yet she does not do it. she just sits and watches serials on tv religiously. I can only request her and cant force her.
     

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