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Can't get over over my wife's physical affair with somebody else in the past

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rams1980, Jul 8, 2012.

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  1. GodIsOne

    GodIsOne Gold IL'ite

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    Why do people disappear after posting something?

    Ahhhhhh...I hate it...If you disagree then at least say it...so we will know that you are in fact reading it.
     
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  2. peacetips

    peacetips Silver IL'ite

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    The majority of responses to this thread makes me think: yes this is a feministic forum.

    The OP's wife:
    1. has a 7 year long relationship
    2. Has sex with someone else
    3. Pretends to be docile and innocent, and gets married to the OP
    4. Hides it for 2 long years
    5. Likely she would not have spoken about this on her own unless the OP found out on his own.
    6. there may be more than one ex.

    All I see here is cheating. The majority of the responses here are about how the OP should look beyond past..blah blah. How ..poor his wife is since she is 'loving the OP' now. She had no choice but the leave his ex due to XYZ reason...etc!! Are we not able to feel how traumatic this could be for OP given his lifestyle and upbringing??

    It would have been nicer if we could suggest him some ways to get over the hurt rather than justifying pre-marital sex and how the OP should grow up beyond this issue.
     
  3. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmmm, I see what you are trying to say, but I think the responders (& responses!), in general, make a better impression on me, than they appear to on you.
    Try looking at it this way .... (following your format!):
    (1) Let's say we agree that she 'cheated' him by not voluntarily revealing her past.
    (2) Let's say in a little while he gets over his initial shock and visceral reaction (it is completely OK that the reaction is a reflection of his background, upbringing, expectations).
    What next?
    Divorce? Rapprochement? Enthusiastic renewal of vows? How? How to deal with the long-term consequences of either choice? How to deal with the, admittedly flawed, human being at the other hidden end of this conversation, about whom we know nothing, but he knows much besides the negative?
    These are the questions most responders are trying to grapple with. This may be jumping ahead a bit, but it is still thoughtful and generous!
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Isn't it often the case that spouse's physical affair from before marriage hurts more than a relationship that had not reached the physical stage? In the case of relationsip that has not reached physical stage, it is easier to put it in the past as "oh it did not work out for my spouse, now he/she loves me and that is what matters". A mind or heart that loved someone is easier to handle than a body that has loved someone else.

    And about the "everyting I did to her.." terminology instead of "with her" that OP has used, I think it is mere semantics. Most of us unwittingly think in our mother tongue, and translate to English and type. what if OP had added "and... everything she did to me, she has done to somebody else before". Would that make the "everything I did to her" even? :)

    ---------
    I agree with some of the posters who say that responses here are overly feminist and OP is being expected to be too much of a modern gent. Even in the west, it is fairly reasonable for spouses to know something about each other's past relationships. Then here, we are talking about India, and OP says he is from a highly conservative family.

    I think his wife (or she and her family) did lead him on, lied by omission and hoped he would never get to know about her affair. "Went out in college" "had a boyfriend", "was engaged but it didn't work" is different from hugs,kisses, and physical relationship. OP did not know about her affair, it was an arranged marriage, women are generally expected to be virgins in arranged marriages, the girl was most prolly aware of the conservative man she is marrying...

    He has been cheated, and his choices now are pretty much between the devil and the deep sea. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't stay married to her.
     
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  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    We have no differences here. A previous poster wished to draw a distinction between physical love and deep emotional attachment feeling that the latter would bother him more than a rare physical dalliance . I was merely trying to point out that sex can and often does signify a deep emotional bond. So we agree.
    ---------
    Two thoughts:

    (1) My expectation of the OP is nothing beyond careful thought, and a decision made with a clear, steady mind after the shock is overcome. I took great care to emphasize that the decision is his and did not recommend one path or another. Other posters can weigh in on their own choices and justifications.
    (2) Let me be a devil's advocate and provoke you:
    See IL post by Ragini25: http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/173201-atrocity.html
    Now suppose some Taliban chap, with a conservative upbringing, were to write and say that 'hey, can't expect my buddy to be too much of a modern gent! - like those bloody idol-worshipping Indians who think divorce is enough!"
    Compare and contrast. Papers (3 pages, single-spaced, 12 point font) due by midnight Friday!:)
     
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  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Semantics yes, 'mere semantics' no, but that would be a long discussion.
    Sorry, my curiosity gets the better of me .... at the risk of diverting the thread:
    I can muddle through in multiple languages, but I know of none where the 'to' / 'with' distinction does not exist. Which mother-tongue are you referring to?
    I can imagine cases where the 'to' is weaker than 'with' but not vice-versa....
    Not arguing, just deeply curious ..... I have an interest in language, I would be grateful for examples via pm.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OK. I do realize your post was in conversation with another member.
    Me likey devil's advocacy. :) Seriously though, I am sure you also can see the difference between a Taliban attitude and a "highly conservative... Indian arranged marriage" scenario. The taliban thingie is unacceptable by any human standards, and that along with similar treatment of women is deplorable, in any country. Sharia, its extreme forms, and its unfair treatment of women, in this day and age, ranging from multiple wives, permitted wife beating, clear supremacy of male.. is a topic by itself.

    The scenario here is an Indian male and female from conservative Indian society, who have entered into an arranged marriage. I am no fan of either institution (conservative Indian society, arranged marriage), but once a person is part of that institution(s), by choice or willy-nilly, following the average norms of those institutions is not an unfair expectation from spouse. In this case, a physical affair needed to have been disclosed before marriage, whether or not he asked her, "Didja have any affairs, my dear?"

    I think the man and woman in this thread are from regular Indian conservative/arranged marriage setup, and what happened to the man is unfair and unfortunate.

    On a more hopeful note, given that OP has not shown up since, maybe it is not a true story. Or there is more to it.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Why PM when same can be said here, and for all to read. :) The more the merrier (marrier?)

    By mother-tongue I meant that English is not the mother-tongue of many here, and often we think or at least partly think in our mother-tongue, and then express those thougths in English, so 'lost in translation' is a high possibility, especially when situation is making a person (OP) not think straight and experiencing tightness in the chest etc. For example, English does not have the "aap/meeru" respectful address version. A woman forced to address husband with respect, or a man (from highly conservative family and who had an arranged marriage) who wants his wife to address him thus.... such a person would be hard put to explain their problem without using Indian language terms. :)

    About the specific examples of the "to" vs "with" terminology :) :) student requests permission to leave answer blank. For LOL, it is difficult to even think of to/with in not-English. We are Indians, we think such bad-bad things in English only. :)

    Apologies for the non-answer of one or two specific questions from you. But, have to admit I haven't enjoyed an exchange this much for a while.

    :)
     
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  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    :rotfl This bit about "to" or "with" is very interesting. Actually that is what struck me first about the post. That sentence stuck out like a sore thumb. I chose not to mention it earlier, because I decided to let it go as a language issue. Fine, but like sonkana says, the implication is different. When someone says "what I did to her" implies "inflicted on her" (as in abused her, beat her, battered her self-esteem) and seems to have a negative connotation. Hence used in terms of a physical relationship within a marriage or a mutual relationship, does make one shudder. Anyway, this can be put down to a matter of language differences and be allowed to go at that.
     
  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Talking about supporting OP or not, it is not just a question of feminism. Let me explain. Few decades ago, virginity of women was a "given" and there was no questions raised. She better be. So too, most unmarried, young men were also virgins. So their expectation that the woman should be so was justified. To that extent I agree OP's demand is justified. He comes from a conservative family with traditional values and he being that way, he expects his wife to be so too.

    Now comes the question:

    First let us look at his situation. He has got to know now after so many years and a kid that she did have an affair with someone else before marriage. Obviously, going by the fact that he never suspected it (he has not told us that he did) all these years, one assumes that his wife is faithfully and emotionally bonded to him, which might not have been possible if her mind and heart were somewhere else. So now OP is told "too bad, she cheated you, kick her out and get married again". Does that help? Here he has a wife with whom he apparently has not had any other major problem. He marries someone who is a virgin (any guarantees on that one?) but with whom he keeps fighting everyday over something or the other. Anything gained? What happens to the kid? If the court allows his wife to take the kid, is OP going to be happy?

    Secondly - this is more of a theoretical discussion - today the number of individuals (men or women) who are virgins is definitely not what it was years ago. We are telling so many women that it might not be realistic to expect virgin men (even if there be nothing wrong with the expectation per se) because of changing realities. The same applies the other way round too. So that is all that is being said.

    No one questions that he feels cheated. Yes she should have told him honestly.
     
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