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Can't get over over my wife's physical affair with somebody else in the past

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rams1980, Jul 8, 2012.

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  1. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    To be on the safe side get DW checked for any medical problems by a doctor.
    At the end of the day a post-marital affair is more dangerous and done with both eyes open, here your wife was single ! Hopefully she is repentent and not brazen about it, like sprinkling salt on wound .
    Its difficult for any spouse to forgive and forget promiscous behaviour of their life partner , lets not forget that even women hate the idea of DH and his pre-marital affairs.
     
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  2. TexasRanger

    TexasRanger Senior IL'ite

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    I write this at the risk of endangering my macho man persona (in my id):rotfl

    I am not sure why everyone is jumping to the conclusion that OP is fixated on his wife's virginity. What I mean is, it is not the physical thing itself that bothers most people but the fact that she is devoted to someone else for 7 years and shared everything including (most importantly) all feelings that are to be shared with one special person.

    I would have no qualms knowingly marrying some one who had premarital sex as long as long as it is not voluntary or a voluntary but rare occurance. I will never marry someone who had years of relationship with someone else. It would be a different case if I am talking about second marriage...in that case every one is aware it is second for the parties involved.

    Sorry I have no suggestions for your situation, but whatever you do please think twice before you do. If I were you the marriage would be over in 5 minutes...that is with no kids etc...
     
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  3. GMReddy

    GMReddy Silver IL'ite

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    dear op,

    the situation you are facing is a psychological issue in this phase of your life which can be overcome by going into yourself...see what minor/major bad things you did in your life so far...mistakes happen in every one's life...only thing you need to see is whether there is genuine effort on the part of the person to come out of the mistake...

    the simple thing you need to remember is happiness to life lies how easily you forgive others for their mistakes...

    best of luck...
     
  4. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    You have two options
    1. Forgive her past and live with her. Yes it will require a long time for you to overcome this mental turmoil. But you have to make a genuine effort

    Or

    2. You can divorce her for this.

    However if you decide to stay married and yet cling to her past, both of you are going to be miserable.

    I will be offended if I find out that my DH had such an affair and he hid it. The fact that he hid it will hurt me more making me feel cheated.

    If she felt like she did nothing wrong, there was no need to hide it.

    Blaming you that you should have asked about it before marriage is not fair to you. We cannot think of all possible things and ask especially in an arranged marriage.

    Whether I will decide to stay with him or leave him will be dependent on the quality of relationship I had with him post marriage. So you know about your marriage better than anyone of us. So you decide about it.

    Even if you do not want to take a decision now, take some time out and send her to her parents place for a few days and take the time to think.

    One more thing, for the moment, keep this issue between the two of you for the sake of your kid. Any involvement of friends or family might make the kid a witness to some painful words.
     
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  5. Hyral

    Hyral Gold IL'ite

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    I can very well understand how it feels...my DH loved a gal in his teens, not sure what extent their relationship went on...he has never discussed with me but yes it made me feel very insecure...but looking to love and care he gives to me , I remember one thing only that 'He is mine' when he is angry again makes me feel insecure...its nature...
    u should atleast feel lil better that ur wife told you the fact.it requires great guts also...u only have to decide to live with her past that she has left behind...or to stay with love,trust and friendship with her..look forward to life ahead...Good to knwo that u have been clean all ur life ... but what if u too had GF, affairs...it would have been equally tough for gal to accept who is clean in life...just forget it and while loving her just remember one thing that she is ur wife whom u love....the fact is u own her now...not the guy she dated...if required have talk with ur wife.
     
  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Perhaps because the title emphasizes 'physical affair'? And because the statement "everything I did to her ..." etc. (not 'with', not 'we did together') has sexual overtones?
    Barring casual sex, which is a very different discussion, the 'physical act' is not merely physical is it? When people refer to 'virginity' in such a context, they are not referring to the merely physical, but to deepest intimacy shared.
    So yes, sexual intimacy in this discussion a 'proxy' for the 'devotion', 'all feelings shared' and 'one special person' you are referring to.
     
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  7. peacetips

    peacetips Silver IL'ite

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    OP,

    Do not hurt yourself at any cost. Ignore the comments here about your marriage. Only the person wearing the shoes will know where it bites. Yes, it will take lots of time for you to feel normal, and you can make your decision based on your value system and tolerance when the time is right. For now, focus on yourself rather than anyone around you including their past or present. That could be counseling, or taking a break and going some place calm or doing any activity that makes you relaxed.
     
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  8. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Appreciate your honesty, macho man.

    It is the reality, whether the affected person is man or woman or at least the first reaction.
     
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  9. digezt

    digezt Senior IL'ite

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    Appreciate if you could point to any specific reference in the Vedas to back your statement. thanks..
     
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  10. queenie29

    queenie29 Silver IL'ite

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    Firstly, you need not punish or hurt yourself as nothing happened in the past because of you.
    Secondly, most probably she failed in her love(was cheated or parents dint agree) otherwise no girl WILL/CAN EVER MARRY another person when she loves someone else.

    Forget the past as nobody has control over it. Don't punish yourself or her for it.

    Now, Please think of the times you both have spent together - when she was with you, her love, her care, understanding,etc all that towards you. If you know that she has all these feelings for you are genuine - then my friend you are lucky!
    Not many people have a such loving wife/husband. :)

    Please dont spoil both your lifes, sit and talk to her normally like you used to be.
    Have a happy life you guys :)
     
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