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Can't get over over my wife's physical affair with somebody else in the past

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rams1980, Jul 8, 2012.

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  1. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    People should be truthful to themselves and if virginity/pre-marital relation matters to them, better they discuss it before getting married.
     
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  2. aminroop

    aminroop IL Hall of Fame

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    holding on to what she did years befor she even met you and married you is very foolish.

    time heals. try to move on. as long as she is faithful to you in ur marriage, it shouldnt matter.
     
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  3. Flyhighbluesky

    Flyhighbluesky Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Rams1980,

    I'm so sorry for you being hurt, but you must understand that neither is it yr fault nor under your control!... and this forum isnt just for women its for everyone!

    You say she cried... i think that means she regrets having a past like that... she's acting normal with you means she doesnt want to change a thing about your relationship and that includes sex... she is happy with who u r and what yu do for her n she is happy with the way you treat her...
    u feel scared coz u know its not under your control... and in moments like this we need to remember thatnothing really is in our hands its all in God's hands... we cant even garuntee we'll be alive the next day and yet we plan plan plan until the final hour... Believe that it was God who joined you both and for a reason and trust on him to bless you with a good life!

    Dont EVR compare yourself with that guy there's a good reason why he is out of her life and out of both your lives is where he has to go forever... accept that she too is a human and be glad she dint turn out to be a cheat!

    I would suggest you to open up your feelings of hurt to your wife... hear what is there in her heart and when you find that its filled with you.. you'll be able to get over this situation... The present is what is most important! rebond with your wife with greater trust!

    Wish you a blessed life!
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2012
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Rams,
    Can undestand how you are feeling. Your DW will behave normally as she is feeling light after confessing to her love affair before marriage. She has passed her guilt to you and become free.
    Apart from the regular feelings of hatred and repulsion its also a sense of betrayal.
    Many men boast about their pre-marital affairs and consider themselves macho , manly and experienced. But a girl is supposed to be pure and innocent waiting for her DH!
    Its kind of old fashioned to believe that a girl will have no BFs , relationships in this modern age . What is the gaurntee that another girl will be pure?
    Please don't hurt yourself, you are not guilty so why torture yourself?
    Let them some time pass, stay away from her if you wish.She may feel that you are making a mountain of a a molehill as she has modern views, she had not met you , she was single and maybe thought of marrying the BF.
    Thank God that she is loyal to you now. There are so many married men and women indulging in extra marital affairs nowadays .
    Time is a great healer, go for counselling along with your wife as she has to rebuild the trust which she has lost in your heart.She should regret her past and confirm her love for you.
     
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  5. wizzie

    wizzie Silver IL'ite

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    OP,

    I have three suggestions for you and it's up to you. I'd have done this if I were in your shoes.

    1. Seeking counseling - Its important to seek professional counseling help for matters like these.

    2. Past is past - Never ever grill spouse on things she did before you know her. It's her life and she is free as per society and culture.

    3. Don't punish her - Please don't punish your spouse for things she has done before she met you. It's unfair to be honest!

    Good luck! I know it is a long road but if you seek professional counselor then it will be thing of past for you too :)
     
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  6. SreeSri

    SreeSri Gold IL'ite

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    I still cant understand why does the virginity and sex takes over our will, thought, maturity, the feeling of being beyond the physical even till today.
    She had sex before you. Thats all the issue.
    But what she is for you today? Does she loves you? Does she behaves, shares her life, future, presence like a life partner for you? OR is she sharing the same with some one now? I would like you to be more matured and more thoughtful about the practical life and practically evaluate the present and future life of yours, hers and those who greatly gets influenced by both of you.
    If having sex with the other is the sin to die(or to kill), there may be very few in this world who might have lived around us.
    Since she is your wife, you got a chance of thinking differently. If our sister/someone like that had sex, do we think the same way(sorry, I hate sentiments but need to quote this practical option). Just think that what you are today, who she is today and for your tomorrow.
    In my university, during the ragging time, We used to tease the freshers(guys and gaals) with the question "On your first night, you came to know that your wife(if the fresher is gaal, your hubby) is not a virgin?" Surprisingly.. I personally got all of them answered as "I dont care what happened before.. I would expect him/her to be a nice wife/husband in our married life".. PRACTICALLY this should be the answer from YOU also..

    Just free up your mind, help your wife to get more courage and more confidence. She must be feeling low on day by day of guilt by observing you being down each hour and minute. Both of you are collectively working on messing up the today's situation further lower. Please ignore the past, you or she had no control on it at this moment to make THAT PAST BETTER. There is a better tomorrow which you both can brighten with your humble noble and more matured thoughts, instead of a feeling of sin and guilt. We are born to be more matured.

    I always repeat this line of my favorite song from back street boys album "I dont care who you are, where you are from and what you do... as long as love me..."

    Good luck...
     
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  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Very beautiful posts Sonkanasanah and Vishwamitra. Very well said.

    @Ram, I have one more perspective you could think over.

    Every love affair could have a positive or a negative outcome. For that matter even arranged matches could fall apart before ever setting foot near the altar. Does that mean we refuse to entertain thoughts of marrying a person either ways? You might say, well, they need not have a physical relationship. I cannot refuse to understand that. But fact remains that the world has changed, realities have changed. In today's age and era, the chances of meeting someone who has had a physical relationship before marriage are only going up. Do you know there are many arranged matches, where the man insists on a physical relationship before marriage on pain of walking out if the girl refuses? What should the girl do? If she goes ahead, and then the marriage does not materialize, she is taking a risk. If she does not agree, and the man walks out on some pretext or the other, it is likely her future match would say she has a broken engagement and refuse to marry her. So many possibilities exist.

    Talking of virginity, the word is used to indicate someone who is "pure" or "clean". You must certainly be reading threads here of married men and women getting mentally or physically involved with others. They might well have been virgins before marriage. So which is better? A husband/wife with a past who has now left it behind and is faithful to the marital relationship or someone who was a virgin before marriage but no longer faithful? So virginity or lack of it means absolutely nothing.

    Again to tell or not to tell is not a black and white situation. It could have happened that you did not get to know of your wife's past and continued to live happily with her. What if she had told you before marriage? Maybe you would not have married her at all. But she ran the risk that if she told you and you married her, you could have held her past against her at a future date. I am not saying this would have definitely happened, but there are infinite permutations and combinations.

    So do spare a thought to all the aspects and then take a decision.
     
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  8. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,
    First seek emergency counseling services. If you have a trusted (and calm) frien, let the person know of your self injurious thoughts...so he/she can watch over your safety when you feel impulsive. You don't have to tell them the whys and whats. Tell the person to make your environment safe for you by removing or guarding access to sharp implements and poisonous materials and medicines-all of which are found in abundance in a normal home.

    Secondly, talk to a professional. People's expectations are different and only you will be able to make a decision about what is right or wrong for you. But a counselor will be able to guide you as you explore your stand-and will watch out for your safety. you may find that your views may alter (or not) but the resolution will be yours and your wife's- a professional will not interject personal belief systems. If you involve the elders or family members it will be about their ideas and expectations and their sense of what is due.

    Stay safe.
     
  9. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    I do understand, how the OP feels. Your DW trusted you so much to share the information and that means, she can't hold it or hide the truth from you, any more. Be a bigger person to forgive her. Only, time can heal the wounds. It is easier said than done.

    If you feel, it is suffocating you, please walk away or send DW to her parents place for few weeks. Being in the same place, may make you feel worse day by day. Mean while, you can go for the professional counselling to clear your mind.
     
  10. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I know how tough it is..but the very fact of she sleeping with you, being normal with you proves that she loves you and does not want to dwell in the past. Please stop thinking about her past and move on.
     
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