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Can't get over over my wife's physical affair with somebody else in the past

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rams1980, Jul 8, 2012.

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  1. rams1980

    rams1980 New IL'ite

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    I come form a highly conservative family. I never knew a girl before. Never had any kind of affairs, no girlfriend either and never dated any woman all through my life. Ours is an arranged marriage, now into two years.
    But very recently I came to know about my wife's past affair with her classmate during her engineering days. She was involved with him and had an affair for nearly seven years. After questioning repeatedly, she finally agreed and says their affair was limited to kisses and hugs only most of the time and had sex very few times. Saying this, she cried.

    It's nearly two weeks now and my wife talks and behaves normally. I think I am slowly feeling the punch and this is beginning to hurt a lot. Feeling very sad depressed and even at time SCARED .
    Yes, feeling SCARED (about what - I don't know). Scared of everything.. scared of heights, scared of water, scared of traffic... scared of every damn thing.
    Unable to concentrate on work.

    When ever I look at her, I am over whelmed by the feeling of "Everything I did to her, is already done by somebody else in the past" and this is now frequently causing so much pain in the chest....can hear my own heart beating.
    I don't know what's happening to me. I feel completely lost.....Losing interest on everything... hating myself.

    Want to hurt myself badly...

    (Sorry, I poured out my feelings.Not sure if I should post such personal stuff in the forum like this which primarily meant for women.)
     
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  2. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    Dont suffer alone. Take help like counseling. Time does heal. Hurting yourself is a harmful thing and it will pain all your loved ones.
     
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  3. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh I feel sorry for your present condition.I know how hurtful it would be for someone who had totally different expectations from their spouse regarding virginity and sex.

    The value for virginity differs from person to person.So no one has the right to comment whether your expectations are right or wrong.But since you knew your expectations before, you could have cleared all those thing before marriage itself.So now do you think any thing can be changed even if you constantly think or ask about this?
    Please go to councelling or try to control your thoughts.Keeping yourself busy most of the times will definitely help you come over this.Just spend your time with friends and try to forget this.I think you are so much depressed.Time will heal everything is what I hope.let us see what other friends reply.
     
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  4. miscellaneous

    miscellaneous Silver IL'ite

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    Before you make any decisions you should definitely get some help. Please do not think of harming yourself, no good can come out if it.
     
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  5. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry that this had to happen with you. Lets look at it from her angle....Most girls have affairs thinking they will get married,but either her parents dont agree or she is cheated by her lover. Perhaps she wanted to tell you but was stopped by her family.
    Im just guessing...whatever the reason, whats done is done. She cannot go back,neither can you. You should not have gone into details.Details make everything graphic.

    Now that you know...you have the right to be upset or angry. But here you are the one suffering. You feel dejected and depressed. This is not the way to deal with life's ups and downs! We have but one life and it is upon us to choose how we live it. Do you feel you want to be reduced to someone who is scared of everything for NO FAULT of yours???? Your wife must be normal thinking a huge secret is off her chest and here you are...almost on the verge of hurting yourself! My suggestion is to make her realise what she did to you.Stay away from her and see if this affects her. Has she in anyway proved her love for you?
    What do you want from this marriage?Can you start a new life with someone else? It may or maynot be possible. Be practical and think practically.
    I understand this is a tough situation and has no easy solution. The only thing I can say,if you can take it in the right way- Past is past. She should have told you...but she didnt. Now is she truthful? Does she care about your feelings? Did she notice a change in your behaviour? You say you are scared of everything..feel dejected. Has she noticed that? Does she show any remorse. You should not be the only one going through this traumatic episode. She should be supporting you,specially because she put you through this. If she is not, she doesnt deserve you. If she does care for you and has shown her unconditional love for you...you should give her another chance. As a human being,everyone makes mistakes...forgiving makes you a better and bigger person. This period is a test of your love for each other. Also you will emerge a stronger person...whatever be the outcome.
     
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  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    The conservatism of your family is irrelevant - this is between you and your wife. I do see that in the context of our traditional outlook, she lied to you in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” way. From a different perspective, this sort of thing falls under the rubric of 'youthful indiscretion'. Assuming your wife is committed to the marriage, you need to find out whether you are able to get past something that happened before she met you. If you have ever said "I love you" to her, ask yourself what the word 'love' means to you. Is it such a fragile love that it vaporizes at the mere thought of a prior affair? Is it a transaction - "I love you if and only if you love me and have never loved anyone before”? You need to sort this out - what does it mean to you?? Are you carrying the burden of an affair she has set down??
    Consider a thought experiment: You are ticked off, your wife does not measure up to your vision of purity, you divorce her. Now you are ‘experienced’ as well, although within the socially sanctioned context of a marriage. Is it OK for you to marry a virgin now? Is your purity compromised? Would you marry a divorcee? After all: "Everything ‘you’ might do to her, is already done by somebody else in the past" and vice-versa. Assuming you would be interested in marrying again, what mental resource allows you to get over this barrier?
    Our society is in a state of transition. Men and women are mingling more freely, sexual experimentation is more frequent, but our ability to deal with all this lags behind. What does the extreme visceral reaction you seem to be having to this discovery tell you about your own maturity, resilience, strength, mental clarity & acuity, emotional stability?
    I am not advising you to do one thing or another – break-up or resolve this – it’s up to you. My intention is merely to provoke you to stop the panic and find the strength to look deeply into ideas that appear to have remained unexamined. Don’t be a slave to a mirage.
     
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    [JUSTIFY]Dear Ram,

    I totally understand what you are going through. But, under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, you should hurt yourself. None of that happened is your fault. Frankly, even your wife would have undergone a lot of emotional roller coaster to live with those memories and probably was very scared to tell you earlier not knowing how you would react. What you are going through is precisely why she was afraid of sharing that information with you.

    I suggest the following:

    1) First of all try and seek counseling for you to overcome the thought that dominates your day to day life. Counseling is a great way to download your feelings and emotions so that you don't have to carry that heavy feelings inside of you.

    2) Try to share your feelings as it is with your wife even if it involves both of you crying for a prolonged period of time. But do not take extreme measures and the discussions should be in an informal setting with words used not hurting the feelings of your wife. More you carry it in your heart, higher your sufferings will be.

    3) Never discuss what you know with either your extended family or anyone else outside other than in counseling session or with your wife. You need to understand it is your reaction that hurts you more than the information you obtained from your wife. Don't try to react to that situation but respond to that information with love and compassion.

    4) Try to sit on meditation sessions and visualize a white bright light entering your body and cleaning up every black spots in your mind including any anger or hate that remain in your mind. Repeat this exercise at least twice every day. Develop a strong feeling in your heart to forgive your wife and send your unconditional love to her.

    5) Lastly, understand that body and mind that everyone of us have are transient in nature and as we get older, the frame becomes older and the mind becomes slower. The true love that we emote is coming from our inner consciousness or Godhead to another consciousness or Godhead and that was never born and never dies. That is an untainted being and keeps moving from life to life. Assume expression of physical love between spouses is divine with an intent to connect between the Indwellers. This will make you feel lot comfortable.

    Forgive your wife once and for all which would make your heart lighter and remove that overwhelming thought. Forgive yourself also for what you had been through. The Life is a journey inside of us towards our inner consciousness and everything we carry in our mind about others is like heavy luggage that makes the journey that much difficult. Make yourself lighter and your journey will be pleasant. Mostly the sufferings are because we consider our birth as start of our life an death as the end of life. Who we really are permanent and is not restricted by time and space. If we understand that principle, everything that happens around us are very trivial in a large proportion of a journey over many lives.

    Viswa[/JUSTIFY]
     
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  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Here is a famous Zen story that might help you to set down the burden, assuage the panic and work toward a resolution with a clean, steady mind:

    A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her.

    The senior monk carried this woman on his shoulder, forded the river and let her down on the other bank. The junior monk was very upset, but said nothing.

    They both were walking and senior monk noticed that his junior was suddenly silent and enquired “Is something the matter, you seem very upset?”

    The junior monk replied, “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

    The senior monk replied, “I left the woman a long time ago at the bank, however, you seem to be carrying her still.”

    Credit: Two Monks and a Woman–Story « Working with Insight
     
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Sokanasanah,

    I have heard that story many times and it is perfect story to tell for this situation.

    Viswa
     
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  10. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Well said vishwamitra, Sokanasanha.

    Whatever has happened is her past. Now she is your wife. I guess she is commited to u and love you. Thats why she told. If she was any other manipulative kind of person than she wouldnt have tell you. This shows her respect and trust for you. Now dont break her trust.

    She didnt do anything wrong being married and in your presence. In vedas also they say there is no crime in having relationship before marriage.

    Go for counselling. Time will heal.
     
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