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Cannot Feel Love Towards My Mother. Am I Wrong? If Yes, What Should I Do?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ShabnamF, May 12, 2017.

  1. ShabnamF

    ShabnamF Gold IL'ite

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    Really sorry for such a long post. I tried to keep it as short as possible.

    I don't know how to even describe what I want to ask. I am in a fix here and I am too confused as to what should be done. I hope I will find some clarity in the form of replies to this post.

    A few of you know the recent past of my life, my broken engagement, my break-up with my ex-boyfriend and my depression. About an year ago, I was engaged to a guy who was very controlling, possessive and manipulative. I went through a huge amount of mental stress even to come to a decision that I should break my engagement.

    My issue now is that ever since my depression kicked in, I am unable to empathize or feel love or positive feelings towards my mother. I will try to explain about my relationship with my mother.

    When I was 7 my younger brother was born and that made things tougher for my mother as she had to take care of all the household work alone. Whenever we went to my maternal grandparent's place my mother used to complain about how my father never helps and how she has to work as well as take care of everything else. That's when my aunts (my mother's 2 sisters) started pressurizing me that I should help my mother in household work and all that. They made me feel like I was making a huge mistake by not helping my mother. So I started helping her around the house always feeling scared that I might be told off if I do not help her or criticized if my work was not perfect.

    When I was 11 my grandmother passed away and my mother left me at my maternal grandparent's place at the request of my younger aunt to help her with household work. During this time, all focus was on how good was I at sweeping and mopping, cooking, washing utensils, washing my own clothes etc. When my parents came to pick me up, both my aunts had a list of complaints about how I lacked skills and how my mother did not know how to raise kids.

    Once back home, I was again made to help my mother with household work, again always feeling scared that I might be told off if I do not help her or criticized if my work was not perfect. My mother used to make a big deal if I forgot to wash a plate or if she thought my work was not perfect. She used to shout at me and hit me sometimes, not talk to me for days, weeks sometimes. I still remember I once scrubbed and washed the whole kitchen to please my mother and left a note on the stove asking my mother to forgive me for whatever I did and that I would do whatever she said going ahead if she started talking to me again. Most of my teenage was spent like this.

    It did not end there, my mother and father never had a good relationship, always used to fight, and my mother always used to direct her anger and frustration at me. Both my brothers had all the freedom and could play forever and were welcomed with snacks and juices when they came home tired from playing all day and I was expected to stay at home and help out. I used to be told off if I spoke to the kids around my home or if I went out to play with them. I remember being yelled at because my mother overheard me telling my neighbor that I loved music. Still don't know what is wrong with that.
    I was not a very healthy kid, I used to have frequent stomach pains since I was 12 or 13 and the doctors could not find out what was wrong. So, a family doctor suggested that I was doing it for attention. Since then all my pains and complaints about not feeling well were ignored. I found out 11 years after the pain started that I was suffering from Crohns.

    All this made me stop communicating anything on an emotional level with my family, especially my mother. When I grew up and started working, my mother started expecting all that my father could not do for her from me. I played that part too, to please her, to make her happy, because she used to work very hard for us. But nothing ever satisfied her, I always had to do whatever I did keeping her needs in view. If I went out with friends, I used to make sure I bought something for her as she would be in a bad mood bcoz I went out without her. I was always there for her, emotionally, during her ill-health, during her bad moods, but nothing ever seemed to satisfy her.

    Last year after my engagement broke my mother said many things that broke me. Things like, she is done trying to get me married, that I should be happy that my engagement broke because that's what I wanted and stop being gloomy etc. I realized somehow that both my elder brother and my mother thought I should have adjusted and got married. My mother even said that because of the freedom I got in this family I expected that I will get the same after marriage.

    One day my elder brother and I got into an argument, my mother knew very well that I was right and my brother was wrong. My younger brother took my side and told my mother that she is being unfair. She still went on supporting my elder brother and told me to shut it. That's it, something broke in my heart that day and since then I just cannot feel any love towards her. All my life I tried to please her, to keep her happy, helped her financially, supported her emotionally, did everything to fill the gap that my father and elder brother left in her heart. And when the time came for her to support me, she sided with him. After this incident, I have been very distant, closed my self completely towards her. She never asked what was wrong. I just ensure she gets what she needs.

    Now, almost an year after all that happened, she sent me a text message that she is sorry for whatever she did and she wants to be forgiven. Please note, she still does not know why I am so distant with her. My issue here is, I know she needs me on an emotional level. But I also know that no matter what I do, it will never satisfy her. She will complain, crib and cry and I will be left to wonder what the hell did I miss out doing for her. Personally, I don't feel any emotion towards her, I just feel indifferent. I tried a lot to feel something positive, always end up feeling indifferent. Am I wrong? Should I change?
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
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  2. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    You are not wrong and there is no need to change. You are very lucky that you feel no hatred towards your mother, just indifference. So it's not like you are trying to suppress any emotion, whether love or hate. Indifference to our surroundings is the greatest gift God can give us. We suffer because we feel too much. In your case, you have been wounded so harshly and so seriously that you have become numb. Abuse from a mother is particularly unbearable because if there is one thing every child is entitled to, it is their mother's love and affection. Because that was snatched from you, you are suffering even in your adult life. As you said, you are making sure she has what she needs, so you are doing the minimum required of you as a daughter. There is no need to get involved further. Ignore her messages and concentrate only on yourself and making yourself better. I don't know whether you live in India or the West. But, in either case, eat well, sleep well, exercise, take care of yourself and focus on creating a state of happiness, calm and serenity within yourself. These days families have become great burdens that cannot be easily borne.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
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  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you feel nothing toward your mother, or do you just feel resentment for not ever reaching her standards?

    if your feelings lean to nothing, than don't feel guilty for not being able to support her emotionally. That type of support will only develop if you also felt like you can depend on her. You cannot go an give her what she needs without affecting your own life and mental state. I understand your conflict, since she is your mother, but you don't have to change to meet the society's expectations. Do what you can, then just move on. She is part of your life, but that's it- don't let it pull you down.

    Now, If you actually feel resentment, that will hurt YOU more than it will hurt her. Learn to let it go. Holding onto years of resentment, will leave you dead inside and unable to love. You did not get unconditional love from her, so its tough to learn it all on your own.

    It's important to deal with that depression of yours and heal yourself. Have you tried counseling? I know you said that you have tried everything, but I want to make sure. If not, I know that people who have pets to care for, have happier lives. A dog is capable of unconditional love and caring for someone other than just yourself, will help you pull yourself out of depression.
     
  4. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Why did it take so long to snap...good "der aaye dooroost aaye"
    Good that you realize that your mother is good for nothing. Keep her in your life just for a title- mother, so that people can see you have a mother.
    BEcause you have been abused by your mother for so so long, it is very easy for mean people to see through you and try to abuse/ or be mean to you. So, to avoid these bad elements from the society, keep your brothers and mothers in your life, but do not expect anything from them.
    From your story, she did abuse you and it will take a lifetime of effort to heal yourself. Pray, pray and pray to god to send a good guy your way. If you try to find guy without divine intervention, you will attract the unkind ones...based on your inner dialog.
     
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  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I once heard that 'You do not attract what you want, but what you are." Basically, broken people will attract broken people. Help yourself, climb out of that hole, and you will be able to see a better version of yourself. This better version will attract good people that will bring out the best in you.
     
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  6. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    @ShabnamF

    Your mother is from a generation old compared to you. I don't think she has enough education or exposure. I am not saying your mother's behavior is correct, but think once from your's mother's point of view.

    I don't think your grand parents raised her giving the equal opportunities, without showing any discrimination among her siblings. Sometimes the circumstances we grew up shows a great impact on a person's behavior. On top of that after her wedding, she never got that attention, love & affection from your father. May be all these things have played a major role in her life / behavior.

    Anyways atleast now she realized & asking you for an apology. I feel you should sit & talk to her. May be she will open up with you. You are an educated & working woman with lot of exposure which your mother lacks. So thinking style definitely varies. Whatever may be issue, how much ever the gap you feel, but still she is your mother & they are your family. Keep all your negative experiences aside and have an open talk with your mother. I am sure this will bring a positive change.
     
  7. ShabnamF

    ShabnamF Gold IL'ite

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    She is well educated and has worked all her life.

    Not sure about the discrimination but she has told us many stories about how she enjoyed her childhood.

    I agree with this point and that's why I have tried all my life to give her happiness. For many years my goal was to give her happiness no matter what. But she was never satisfied. However, my brothers and I also have the same man as our father and have the same kind of behavior from him. I have never expected my mother to fill in the gap he has created in my life.
    No, she still has no idea why I am being so distant. I have a feeling that she is lonely and that's why she is asking to be forgiven.

    No way. I know her, every time I try to talk about what I feel, it always ends up about how she feels. I once pointed out to her that she is being unfair by behaving bitter towards me if I go out with friends on a weekend. That day she went away somewhere without any of us knowing, she did not answer my calls. My father, my brother and I had to go searching for her all over the city. Once she was back, another big drama took place, it took days for things to come back to normal.
     
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  8. ShabnamF

    ShabnamF Gold IL'ite

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    Normally I don't feel anything. I am not sure about resentment but in some situations I feel irritated with her. For example, when she falls ill because of her own negligence.
    I discussed this with my counselor too, I am not sure if I feel resentment towards her. But yes, I think I am angry somewhere inside.
    I am trying, believe me, with depression taking care of yourself becomes very difficult, especially when you feel that no matter what nothing will ever change. Yes, I have tried counselling but I stopped bcoz it's too far and too costly for me. I have been meaning to look for a cheaper one close to my place but have not been doing it.
     
  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    How about working out? Exercise has improved my mood, though it's tough with life and all.
     
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  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel upset reading your post..you have clearly not had a happy childhood in which you felt secure and loved . While modern medicine and many people insist that depression is chemical imbalance , there is a powerful mind body connection in play here.. you have childhood traumas from which you need to heal. as another poster said its good you don't feel hate, just indifference.. I think you need to maintain a safe emotional distance from your mom. her mind is very conditioned by the society around her and for her your happiness seems to be on a lower priority level. Just casually accept her apology but do not have any expectations from her. You lucked it out on the getting a supportive mother gamble, make your peace with it. op, you have had a great deal of bad experiences, but just think the worst is over. you still can make the second half of your life a happy story .
     
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