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Canceled An Alliance....right Or Not.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SeekingMind, Sep 15, 2016.

  1. SeekingMind

    SeekingMind Silver IL'ite

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    My relative is 31yrs old, good looking and having a good career. She lives in India. Quite a smart, young, independent woman she is. About 3yrs back her dad saw a suitable match on matrimonial website and suggested that to her. Both sides Parents exchanged photos, other required information and the girl and boy saw each other over IPAD, Skype and chatted online and over phone. They saw each other only online. Finally, liked each other so the parents from both sides met, there was a small party arranged for close relatives only and date/time of marriage, dowry etc was all discussed and fixed. It was kind of like engagement party but without groom. He could not make it as he was abroad and did not get leave. Girl, since she was in the same place, was present. Marriage was scheduled 4 months later. After the engagement, the groom's mom used to call the girl regularly. One day, I heard that the alliance was cancelled.

    I came to know that whenever his mom called she would ask her go join a gym and exercise etc., And, she would call her again to just enquire if she joined a gym or not. She would say you live in a city you have so many facilites, you should take advantage of those. Go to gym, go to beauty parlor. You should be active. My relative is sort of overweight. She said whenever she saw this woman's call coming she would become nervous. She told her mom about it.
    Her mom got furious and called up the other lady and bashed her. Even my uncle called up the groom's uncle and told that the lady is crossing her limits. The groom called up my relative and asked whats wrong in what my mother said? You are over reacting, your whole family is over reacting.
    The girl's mom said if before marriage this woman is like this, no decency, commenting on her body, trying to dictate, then imagine my daughter's life after the marriage. And, also the boy did not stand up for my daughter, he sides his mom, just think what my daughter's fate would be after marriage. That is why we decided to cancel the alliance.
    Relatives kept saying you are foolish, don't spoil the girl's life by canceling it for petty reason. It will be difficult for you to find another suitable boy for her as she is nearing 30yrs, etc etc.,
    After the alliance got canceled, they tried to distance themselves from the rest of the relatives.
    I know that she is not yet married.

    I was wondering did the boy's mom really cross her limits and talk? Or did my cousin's mom couldn't accept the fact that her daughter had an issue (was overweight) and grew insecure over react?

    Share your thoughts too.
     
  2. viki123

    viki123 Silver IL'ite

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    @SeekingMind
    The girl might be overweight as per her would be MIL and she calling her asking every time is not good. It she has issue with weight they should not have made the alliance.

    Coming to the mother, i would say she was 100% correct.

    I think its better to remain unmarried than getting married and suffer with these kind on people.
     
    sindmani, bron, PhoenixAwoken and 2 others like this.
  3. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    I am surprised you being a woman is even asking this question. Imagine anyone badgering you to go to gym it would be annoying. This lady (before marriage) is trying to dictate this girls life imagine after the wedding. It was good they stood by their daughter and cut it off, as well the fact that her future husband did not stand up for her speaks volumes. They initially accepted her the way she is and have no right to tell her to change her body.
     
    sindmani, cheenu123, bron and 3 others like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    This kind of confusion happens when the traditional arranged marriage routine meets more modern developments and lifestyle interactions. What the man's mother told the woman would have been earlier conveyed by middle-parties.. "They like the girl.. just a little concerned about ..." I vividly recall an alliance in which we knew the man, and the woman's family were our neighbors. The boy's side said yes, but 'a little concerned about girl's complexion' Now this was 30 years ago. So don't get all worked up. The girl's mother one day brought fruit from their garden (literally in her two palms held together!, like an offering), and told my parents, older sibling to tell the guy's side that girl is washing her face everyday with haldi, besan. OK OK.. don't' kill me,... I am only the messenger, and it is a 30 yr old incident. : ) Anyway, they got married, and happy life.

    Coming back to the situation described - such things happen in arranged marriage or when men and women in late 20's have parents involved in the matchmaking and wedding process. After engagement, each side feels the would-be DIL or son-in-law is already their DIL, son-in-law. And some comments get made, some suggestions get delivered....... If the alliance is good enough, these are better to be ignored if possible. The comments about parlor, gym could have been dealt with in a tactful way. The calls frequency could have been reduced.

    When the match is not a pure modern thing with man and woman making most of the decisions independently, and when the older arranged marriage method has been utilized, it is better to leave things like "man didn't stand up for the woman" modernities aside.

    Now the guy's mother can say that "Before marriage, girl's mom is bashing me for suggesting good things, after marriage...".. No end to such exchanges. The matter could have been handled in many other ways.. it was not a sudden unexpected comment from the guy's mother. It happened over days... One way is to use humor.. the gal could have mentioned something about the guy growing or shaving off his moustache in preparation for the wedding while she goes to gym/parlor. Or casually hint that engagement has happened without looking at guy in person....

    And.... if a young woman is not going to the parlor, gym... a suggestion to do so, is not a bad one. Don't kill me.. I am just an online opinion giver. : )
    .
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2016
  5. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    I support your cousin's discission. Body image is one of the major complex issues women deal every day.
    Yet to be MIL is not wrong is saying to lose weight or take care of health once or twice during a conversation. But badgering/following up your cousin every time during the call is ridiculous. If the groom family were, concerned about your cousin's weight/health they shouldn't have gone for her to begin with.
    You cousins should be proud of her parents for supporting and standing up for her.

    Body, health, and diet is one such topic that even spouses can't bring their partners to change or adapt. The change has to come within.

    Please don't think it is a small thing that yet to be MIL did and your cousin could have adjusted. Nope, in the long run if your cousin had adjusted she might have succumbed to be in bad mental state questioning why her H chose her or worse hating her body.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2016
    bron, NeetaR and guesshoo like this.
  6. anehstar

    anehstar Silver IL'ite

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    I totally agree with @Rihana
    This is quite common in arrange marriage scenarios. They would agree initially but later on start commenting on how one should look and what changes to be made. Most of the matrimonial ads starts with "looking for slim, beautiful...." etc etc. This doesn't mean that plumpy girls dont get good alliances, but the choice initially everyone keep is for slim girls.
    Coming to the issue, I agree constantly asking to reduce weight and joining gym irritates and causes to bring low self esteem but I feel this could have been sorted out. She could have told her future mil that yes Ill join the gym , but please don''t keep pushing me for it. She should have communicated the same to the guy as well. She should have clearly asked the guy if he likes her the way she is or he would marry her only if she reaches some XY weight. If she felt he is also on the same page as his mom and is behind her to look a certain way, then what her mom did was absolutely right.
    If not, then she should have taken it sportingly. As you say, she is overweight, so she could have joined a gym and tried to maintain her weight. Whats wrong in that. Being fit is the key to health. These days everyone gives great emphasis on being healthy, regular exercise and gym. Even if you visit a doctor, he ll ask you how many days a week you exercise. Its for health reason.
    Most of the girls join gym, go to the beauty parlor and get several facials before their D day to look best. So if this was the only issue, then I feel they should have talked calmly and solved.
     
  7. viki123

    viki123 Silver IL'ite

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    @Rihana @anehstar
    Yes, it's is quite common in arranged marriage to get these types of suggestion for IL's i would like to point following mentioned by OP.

    Just imagine how a mom would feel when she sees her DD getting nervous by call. Also advising about reducing weight is good, but the tone is also important. Since the girl is getting nervous, i am assuming the girl is either very sensitive or MIL is very rude. In any case her mom would become protective and take steps accordingly.

    I have seen a case with my friend. She is doctor and very soft spoken. She will think twice before speaking and would not hurt any one. She had a marriage settled and the guy was rude to her that it effected her self-esteem so bad that she broke the engagement and was very depressed at that time. This happened 10 years ago, and till date she not married and is not even planning to get married due to the experience with that relation.
     
    sindmani and guesshoo like this.
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    A scene sometime before the alliance was fixed.
    Guy:But maa,she is over weight.

    maa:But sonny ,she has a good job, family is good age is right....don't worry ,I will tell her to lose weight after the alliance is fixed.

    Guy:sure maa? Okay then fine...but you will do it na?
    Maa: Of course my baby.

    ..................................................
    After alliance is fixed.
    Guy:Maa did you,did you ask...maa di you ask her .Maa please ask.
    Repeat day and night.

    Maa:(to girl)Why don't you join gym ?
    Repeats day and night.
    ............................................................................
    The guy saw her.He should have been clear to the girl that he was expecting some wt loss.
    The girl's family was right .They saw her the way she was.She could have lost some weight. But she would have put some more back during pregnancy.Some women never lose all the pregnancy wt.
    If she was not acceptable now....she would have had a lot of problem with her husband accepting her .She would have ended with a broken heart.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The daughter in question is 30 or 31. The "steps accordingly" would be teaching the daughter how to deal with such comments tactfully. Not the mother calling up daughter's future MIL and bashing her, and the girl's father calling up the groom's uncle, adding to confusion.

    Here are a few home truths: 31 yrs female age is old for the arranged marriage market. Choices get fewer. Girl's side still has disadvantage in many arranged marriage situation. Finding an alliance after one breaks, is hard.

    In arranged marriage, one needs to have a little bit of this strategy in the approach: "Let the wedding take place, the rest can be dealt with later"

    HOpe it all works out for the girl, and she finds a good match.
     
  10. anehstar

    anehstar Silver IL'ite

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    Well covered @Rihana My thoughts are in sync with what youve written
    There could be different possibilities @viki123 . May be the girl is too sensitive and she doesnt like someone pointing her about her weight or may be the tone was too harsh for her to land up feeling nervous seeing the call. Yes Moms protective nature for her is justified but then calling and bashing his mom for this reason alone sounds a bit of over reaction. She could have also advised her daughter to join gym and get fit not to look good for them, but to feel good and confident for herself.
    The girls age also doesn't bring in many choices. If there was something like dowry or something, breaking was justified but this issue didnt look like a red flag. This could have been sorted out instead of breaking it.
     

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