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Can you explain this behaviour by parents?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ProReal, Feb 27, 2010.

  1. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Hello
    I come from a family of 3 siblings. I am the youngest and have an elder brother and elder sister. My parents are very cautious about money and we survived our entire childhood on bare minimals (No toys, no parties, no pocket money etc). But they gave us all a good education and we are doing well.

    My sister got married to a relative when I was in final year and the marriage soured a lot of relations as my parents got upset over the dowry they asked (It was not too much and my parents cud afford it, but they thought why are they asking etc). Anyways I got married and I spent most of the money for my wedding. My parents contributed very less.. then my brothers wedding came and my parents spent the wedding expense as my bhabhi is from a very poor family.

    Now, we are all well settled.. my parents have 2 houses and no loans. They have enough investments, jewels etc. I and my husband are doing ok for ourselves and we do not expect anything from my parents. From childhood we all know that the houses etc will go to my brother after my parents. My brother is a very very nice person not at all money minded.

    Now for my sister, she is struggling with her in-laws and has not made any saving because they gave all their money to their in-laws. My parents had a nice piece of land in the city and my sister asked for it, she said she will pay for it. My dad said we dont intend to sell it and finally within one month sold it. My sister and all of us were shocked as me and my brother asked them to give it to my sister. Then they bought 2 small pieces of land for me and my sister (sister's land is bigger). I told them I dont need any land etc but my parents insisted. For my sister they got the land and they asked her to pay the remaining amount which she did.

    Now what hurt me the most is, they have enough money that they gave nearly 1 lakh to my bhabi's parents just like that but went to the extent of getting that same money from my sister. Why would they do that? When they have extra money they decide to buy jewels for my bhabhi or just keep it, but my sister wants to buy a property in the city and cannot afford it. She has given some money to my parents to search but my parents have not even offered that if it is little extra they will pay etc.

    What are they going to do with all the money? I wish I could help my sister, she holds no grudge against my parents but this is something I talk to my DH and for lack of any ideas I thought I will ask here. This is something that I want to understand..
     
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  2. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    we can't understand what actually is in their mind....but its their hard earn money and they can spend it the way they want to....we can not and should not force them.

    if you want to help your sister may be you can help her with your money.

    Just my thoughts.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree with Kinjal, it is their money and properties and they are free to do what they want with it. They should not be forced to distribute it in any particular way, and they should not be penalized in any way for it.

    If they are wasting away their life's earnings on some obviously ill-advised ventures and will become almost destitute as a result, then children may have to step in and advise parents, and check what or who is influencing them to do this. This does not seem to be the case at all here.

    I was a little surprised at the matter of fact acceptance of dowry given for older sister.

    Parents might have given money to bhabhi's parents for so many reasons - possibly not known to you. After we get married, life changes, we start our own families. Parents getting closer to DIL and possibly her family due to interactions or natures matching is not so uncommon. There is also a wisdom popular in the U.S.: Be nice to your DIL, she might have a say in which old-age home you go to.

    -Rihana
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2010
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  4. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    I echo the opinions of kinjal and Rihana to say I have no idea how your parents thought process works or why would they do what they do except its their money and they can do what they please with it LOL Best to ask your parents directly and see what their response is?
     
  5. lotusgirl

    lotusgirl Senior IL'ite

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    i do think i understand why you ask this, though you also must have realised its their hard earned money and their wish how to spend it...
    1 thing struck me.. you mentioned you & your siblings had accepted the fact that the house went automatically to your brother and not to all 3 of you.. why is that so? Does any of their other actions (i mean other than financial stuff) ever imply why this different attitude to the daughters?
    1 thing a friend of mine mentioned to me came to mind.. She said her dad were pretty adamant that once she was married she was no longer part of that family and was part of her husbands family come what may... But her sil when she comes into the family would be considered part of that family...
    So maybe your parents feel when time comes, its only your brother and SIL who would be there for them and yoru parents except them to take care of them in old age if ever the need comes.. So maybe they are trying to get the DIL more attached to them with all these gifts??
    So in retrospect, your parents are the dream ILs for any DIL :)
     
  6. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Is there a chance that your parents feel that if they support your sister, her inlaws family might demand more from them or they might just come to expect them to help whether in need or not/whether asked or not? Just thinking about it from what you have written there about her inlaws asking for dowry and they also being your relatives might have an idea of how your parents are placed and hence your parents don't want to set any expectations for them. It any day is a good idea to get a feeler about it from your parents so that you understand what they are thinking.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2010
  7. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all. I dont want to ask my parents anything about this as I understand it is their hard earned money and it is upto them to decide how to spend it. Me and my mom are very close and we talk every day so whenever such stuff come up my mom automatically tells me and I just casually say things like .. "If you can, you should just tell sister that you can waive off that money etc" .. I know you suggested that I should be able to help her, I would if I can afford it.. TRUST me .. :)

    Actually my brother is in a government job and my SIL is also not working.. So my parents feel that he will need the financial help and like I said we are perfectly fine with it. Even now my brother and his family just depend on my parents for everything financially since they live together. My parents keep asking him to give his salary etc but he gives some money and takes that also back for various reasons. And yes, my SIL is very lucky :rotfl

    I want to somehow hint to my parents that it is ok to spend money .. I do agree that maybe they think that we are 2 gals and hence will not help them in their old age, but my SIL and brother will help types. (I do doubt if my SIL ever will and my brother has directly told me if dad is there after mom you better take care of him ... they dont get along at all).

    I actually got this discussion going in IL because 6 months ago my sister borrowed some money from my mom and she had to go through hell to return it. When we were talking my sister sort of told me that story and I felt bad. So I casually got it up to my mom... for that my mom said "If they borrowed they should return right? whatever scenario occurs". That sort of hurt me .. same day she told me "Dad said we should buy more jewels for my SIL as she has only 50 sovereigns." She dint have anything when she got married as she is very poor and I have like 10 sovereigns maybe .. so that sort of made me sad.
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Maybe your parents are the type who believe that once married, a girl no longer belongs to her old home and family, and hence they don't want to gift you anything because it's a 'waste' on an 'outsider'. Sorry to be blunt, but that's what it looks like to me. Kind of barbaric way for them to think, so I hope I'm wrong!

    But like the other ladies said, it's their stuff, so it's their right to distribute to whoever they want. They don't owe you monetary stuff, just like you don't owe them monetary stuff.

    However, a 'gift' is a 'gift'. Meaning your parents shouldn't be 'gifting' things to your sister and then expecting her to fork over cash for it. Either call it a 'gift' and give it with no strings attached, or just don't buy it at all! What happens if your sister didn't want that land but because of your parents 'gift', got stuck with a bill she couldn't afford? Ridiculous! She should tell them that from now on, she doesn't need anymore gifts like that!
     
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  9. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Pro Real,

    I think your sister is the unfortunate middle-child. What your parents are doing is very hurtful and unfair. Yes, agreed that it is their money and their assets but thing is it is very hurtful to openly demonstrate favoritism. If they want to help their dil and dil's parents then they should be able to to it but just to avoid unnecessarily hurting their daughter, they should do it quietly without publicizing the issue. What is the publicity going to do other than wound their own daughter?

    I do not know where such parents come from. Yes, maybe they are thinking that dil will take care of them in their old age but your brother is already telling that your dad should be your responsibility after your mother's time? This you should tell your mother. If he and his wife and her parents are going to enjoy parents' assets he and his wife should take full responsibility for them too. He cannot just enjoy their properties and then nicely pass on their responsibility to you. Just you make this clear to him and your parents that whoever gets everything should take care of the parents also. You say your brother is not money-minded in first post but your next post contradicts it. He sounds very selfish and entitled. If your mother does go first then he should give over everything he got from them to you two sisters if you end up caring from your father. No pain, no gain. Sorry to put it so materialistically but people like your parents and brother only understand language of $$$$
     
  10. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks.. I know my brother and he is really not at all money minded. He is very irresponsible and that is the only word I can use for his lack of financial commitment to his parents and more so because my parents never pass the bill to him. They drive everything in the house.

    I think this is a good suggestion .. I should tell my parents to do whatever they want to do for my DIL and family without telling my sister. Atleast that way my sister will never know or feel like she is being treated in an unfair manner. Again I want to make it clear that neither or my siblings have discussed this with me and my sister has never told anything about my parents behavior or the fact that they could have helped her etc. This is something I feel as I constantly see them behave this way. I dont bring this up with my sister cos if she hasnt been feeling bad about it, I dont want to bring up this idea to her.

    I helped them a lot monetarily when I was unmarried and infact I was the only child who was working and sent them money every month, so maybe they feel that I have done something for them. They dont behave like that with me, but again I have never had to borrow money from them and my husband is totally against depending on them for anything monetarily. But if they did, I would definitely have told them directly..
     

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