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can we walk that extra mile?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by manu2009, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. manu2009

    manu2009 Silver IL'ite

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    hi friends,
    a very happy new year to all!

    was wondering....
    we have been in different roles:
    daughter
    sister
    wife
    sister-in-law
    mother
    most importantly daughter-in-law

    sure we have put in our best to enrich the family relations
    but today, when few of us may/are on the verge of turning into a mother-in-law,
    can we walk that extra mile to convert ourselves into mothers instead of mother IN LAW?
    finally you reap what you sow.....
    please share your thoughts on this...

    manu
     
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  2. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    I did not want to be the first one to post here as mine is a contrarian opinion, but here are my thoughts:
    Why should mother-in-laws try to be mothers i.e try to be what they are not and can never be ? Is it not enough just to be a good mother-in-law ? Someone who is kind, broad-minded, honest in intentions and knows her limits ?

    I would never want my MIL to try to be my mother because that would be like usurping the rightful place of my mother. Same goes with my FIL.
    Do we ever give our spouse's place to anyone ? Just as we have one spouse, we have one and only one mother and one and only one father and their place in our lives is sacrosanct and nobody should be greedy or naive enough to usurp that place.

    If all women who are on the verge of becoming MILs, just turn out to be open, honest in their intentions and non-interfering as a MIL that would be more than enough. And if they want to go that extra mile, I guess being friends with DIL is what they should think of, but never profess to be mothers because if the DIL and son are in trouble, son would always be the priority - this is natural human tendency. BLOOD is thicker than water.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2014
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  3. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    I would agree with persecuted DIL that a mother-in-law should never try to become a mother. She should be a good mother to her son but not judge the DIL.
    She should just let her son and DIL live their lives -without interfering/judging/passing any snide remarks.
     
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  4. manu2009

    manu2009 Silver IL'ite

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    very true prosecuteddil, but wouldn't our mother behave just as you have mentioned? not interfere, be open and honest, sharing and caring, so when the mil behaves similarly wouldn't we be in a similar relation as with our own mother?

    not everyone is same but if the tag of "in-law" is set aside from the relation, what remains is daughter and mother....

    and when that happens, there is no bias between son and daughter(in-law)....
     
  5. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    Some people in our lives are IRREPLACEABLE - mother, father, child, spouse.

    Parents are the one and the only cause of you coming to this world, then how can anyone even think of taking their place in an individual's life ?

    And one question for all those who are of the opinion that parents-in-law can be substitutes for one's parents. Is being an in-law such a bad thing that one wouldn't want to be called a MIL or FIL ?
    If no, then why step into someone else's shoes.
    If yes, then one must introspect and extirpate the root cause instead of changing the superficial form.

    Sorry Manu2009, we are poles apart in our thinking. So, we cannot have a common ground on this point.

    LoL, my username is PersecutedDIL not ProsecutedDIL !
    Not sure if this was intentional :p

     
  6. arch1209

    arch1209 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think when it comes to relationships one cannot have absolutes. Every mother shares a different relationship with their child. I have friends that talk every single day with their mom, and I sometimes don't call my mom for fortnights. Whereas I have to call my mil without fail, every weekend. That doesn't mean that I am more close to my mil than to my mom.

    I think relationships are like water and rather than defining them in water tight compartments one should let them have a natural flow and see where it leads. I don't think my mil can replace my mom, she will always be my mil, that is a role that is reserved for her. I think it is the characteristics that we associate with the roles, mom = non interfering (which my mom is so not), non - judgmental (another virtue my mom does not possess), sharing and caring (that she is ), whereas somehow negative words are in general associated with in-laws.

    I think if we try to not live up to the stereotypes associated with mils and dils then the term "in-laws" or "extended family" would not have such a stigma associated with it.
     
  7. manu2009

    manu2009 Silver IL'ite

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    hi,

    so sorry about your id, it was definitely not intentional...sorrysmiley

    I had real an article by a reformist in my early days of marriage where she had put up this idea. it struck me as out of box and have been thinking since then so thought of sharing it with all of you.

    also, this is nothing about stepping into someone's shoes. NO ONE CAN BE REPLACED OR SUBSTITUTED....but how about making a daughter (in-law) more comfortable and homely...finally she has left all her near and dear ones and walked into your life and home ON INVITATION (a marriage proposal is an invitation!) so why cant we try to make her feel at home instead of "in-laws" place? hubby is and has to more caring and protecting but if the mil talks and behaves with her dil as she would do with her own daughter, then the dil will no longer remain a dil, she will be a daughter....ONLY DAUGHTER.

    I remember you trying to walk the extra mile when you took your in laws for a vacation, unfortunately for them, THEY HAVE LOST A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER that you were trying to be!

    sorry once more about your id persecuteddil surrendersmiley
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2014
  8. manu2009

    manu2009 Silver IL'ite

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    hi,
    I agree with arch1209...relations should not be like water tight compartments they should flow and flow naturally...
    unless we get out of the box we wouldn't know how beautiful the world is outside the box!
     

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